what is projection – Liberation Therapy

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

Projection

Projection: Psychological defence mechanism that people use to deny behaviours they perpetuate, by accusing others of doing the same things.

For example, the cheating husband accusing the loyal wife of having an affair (or the other way round!) when it is in fact him who is doing it.

Projection is essentially blame shifting, and exonerates the perpetrator by openly or subtly accusing another of their own behaviour.

We naturally project all the time. If we have a bad experience with a dog for example, the chances are we will attach that experience to all dogs.

However, projection is used by abusers and manipulators to control, gaslight and dominate the victim. The abuser accuses their victim to the point the victim may even start believing it about themselves. The abuser uses projection to deflect responsibility and undermine confidence.

So how do we protect ourselves against projection?

First off, we have to build our self awareness so we don’t get into a projection war. If you were once bitten b a dog, you know that the reason you are afraid of dogs is because of that. Now you know that it is not the fault of the dog in front of you, and the feelings might be better managed.

Then we look for the evidence. You know what is true. You have to trust your knowledge. You counter the accusations with ‘where’s the evidence?’.

That is REALLY hard to do when you are being subjected to it all the time. You may not even realise it’s happening.

So if you’re reading this and you think it might be happening to you, just stop and breathe. Try and recollect a time you were accused of something totally untrue, but you believed they must be right. What is true in their claims? Anything? Because the really clever ones will put a tiny little kernel of truth in to really confuse you.

Identify the truths and lies. Own your truth, by doing so you will be more resilient against the lies. Don’t allow them to bully you by their shouting louder. Be the grey rock.

Know your truth.