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Instrumental Parentification

One of the things that I hear repeatedly in therapy is the parentification of children from a young age, particularly children of narcissists. It’s something that parents need to be very careful not to do to children, so as to avoid the impact of that behaviour, which I’ll explain later.

So, I guess the first thing is to establish what it is.

There are three types of parentification. The first is Instrumental Parentification, the second is Emotional Parentification, and the third is Narcissistic Parentification.

Because this topic is big, I’m going to break it into individual blogs for each one, so I can do them each justice.

I’ll start with Instrumental Parentification (I suspect most of you want to know about Narcissistic Parentification, so sorry if I’m disappointing in the first two instances!)

This is when, a parent burdens a child with too many of the household chores and responsibilities. A child who is asked to look after a sick relative, or other children in the house, who is made to cook or clean more than is appropriate for their age. A child whose natural social development is inhibited by the responsibilities at home.

One example of that inhibition might be where a teenager is repeatedly required to stay home to look after younger children instead of joining their friends to go to the shops or for sleepovers etc. Once a month or every couple of months yes, but every weekend? No. It’s not appropriate for a child to raise children they didn’t have themselves.

So, finding the line between appropriate and inappropriate might be hard, but ultimately, it comes down to asking a child to do something that is beyond the scope of their years, and takes too much of their personal time.

For example, a 10 year old can unload the dishwasher and feed the dog every day, but they can’t hoover and mop the floors every day too. They can put the bins out for the rubbish lorry with some assistance, but they aren’t responsible for emptying all the bins and carrying all the bags outside. They can sit with their younger sibling for 10 minutes, but they can’t be left with them for hours without adult support and supervision. They aren’t responsible for cooking every day, or bathing smaller children.

Good parenting means teaching your child life skills such as cooking, cleaning and laundry, but it isn’t about making them wholly responsible for those chores, and punishing them when they get it wrong or if they aren’t ‘up to standard’.

Part of family life is pitching in, but finding the balance between teaching and holding responsible for is vital.

The impact of Instrumental Parentification is one where the child grows into an adult who feels they are responsible for much more than they are. Have difficulty asking for help, could have problems with perfectionism, anxiety, control. They may struggle with boundaries and being able to say ‘no’, even when completely overwhelmed and unable to complete the tasks they already have. They may be the complete opposite of that too!

They may feel their only contribution is to help others and not be able to accept help from others at all. They will seem strong and independent.

Please don’t misunderstand this. Children need to help around the house and learn what it takes to look after themselves, but they also need to be a kid and learn about balance and fun and joy in being young.

To help guide on what’s appropriate for the varying ages for household chores I have attached an image to explain. I cannot emphasise enough that, just because they are capable, it does not become their exclusive responsibility, merely something they do to help their parent.

As ever, please feel free to ask any questions.

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Toxic Masculinity

Okay, I’m going to try and venture into this topic. It’s contentious. I truly believe it’s a thing, and I also believe that it’s as damaging to men as it is women.

What is toxic masculinity?

You all gave such interesting answers; answers that gave me food for thought, and also helped me understand how women connect with the concept. Some responses were (rightly) angry. They referred to the privilege that comes with being born male. They referred to the sense of entitlement that seems to be taught to boys from a young age. They referred to misogyny, chauvinism; boys will be boys, oppression of women.

All of those are right in my humble opinion.

Here’s what it means to me.

Toxic masculinity is where a boy is taught to protect and defend his ego against every dent or damage above all else. Toxic masculinity is where a boy (who later becomes a man) is taught that to display emotion is weakness, need is weakness, a desire to be loved is weakness, to be rejected is weakness, to be less than a woman in any way is weakness.

Toxic masculinity is the societal belief that men are the superior gender, and that by the power of penis they somehow deserve more, command more respect, and are entitled to more for less effort.

So what happens when toxic masculinity plays out?

Well, in extreme circumstances it facilitates psychopathy, murder and rape. How many male serial killers have you heard about exacting their revenge on one individual by murdering other similar looking individuals (usually but not always women). How many women suffer as a result of toxic masculinity due to domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse?

And how many men suffer domestic, emotional and financial abuse because they’ve been taught that to be abused means they’re weak. To be in distress is weak, to have an EMOTION is weak.

Toxic masculinity comes in phrases such as ‘man up’, ‘be a man’, ‘don’t be such a girl’, ‘boys will be boys’, ‘ ‘boys don’t cry’, and so forth. Any phrase that shuts down a man’s right and ability to connect with his emotional response can be considered such a phrase.

Toxic masculinity no doubt has a hideous manifestation for women, but something that often gets lost in conversation is the impact it has on men.

The gender construct that means to be a ‘man’ demands that men shut off all emotional responses apart from anger. You may remember the blog I did a while ago about anger, (it’s here if not!) I stated that anger is ALWAYS a mask for pain. When someone shows me anger, I know they are hurting. They will often deny that, but usually come back to me a few weeks later saying they realised that it was rejection, disappointment, fear, loss or any other number of feelings.

So men can only express anger and have that emotion accepted. Now. I have spoken before about how a healthy sense of self is developed in childhood when the parent accepts and mirrors the emotional responses in their child. That way the child knows and accepts their own emotions. So when society teaches us that boys aren’t allowed to cry, be sad, hurt, dejected or any other emotion, so they get angry. (And then get punished for that, but not typically told they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be it)

The highest suicide rate in the UK in 2017 was for men aged 45-49 (Source) men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women. Three times.

So toxic masculinity incites entitlement, the absolute belief that they as male are totally within their rights to help themselves to whatever they want, be it career, women, presidencies 😉 or other, but it also oppresses men too.

I have seen many conversations on social media where a teenage boy has been raped by his female teacher, and largely men are suggesting he would have enjoyed it, that they would have loved a teacher like that har har.

So let’s flip the roles. If it was a teenage girl and her older male teacher we would be horrified. Why is it alright for a boy to be raped and not a girl? Toxic masculinity. The idea that men are only motivated by sex, that they all want to be getting it as much as they possibly can from the age of about 12 is toxic masculinity and it’s not right.

So, the big question. How do we fight it? If you are a parent of boys, teach them that all their feelings are valid. Teach them that they’re urges are natural; teach them they can be abused and that they can be sad. Teach them to be accountable, to take responsibility for their behaviour. Teach them that women are wonderful and equal to them. Teach them to judge on merit not gender. Teach them they are emotional beings who are allowed to exist outside of a social construct created to determine their gender.

 

Teach them they’re human.

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Addiction….not a dirty word

I’ve been wondering what to write about lately. Lots of my blogs are informed by client work or observations I’ve made, or even conversations with friends. This one isn’t so much, but it is something personal to me that feels important to share.

When I decided I wanted to become a therapist, I started out expecting to work within addiction, but as life does, I’ve moved away from that as a particular focus, although I obviously face it in the therapy space fairly regularly, and I welcome it. Here’s why:

Addiction is something that sparks great controversy. Whenever the subject arises, I brace myself for comments that are derogatory, unkind, judgemental, and dismissive. And sadly, I’m usually right to do so.

Addiction is something this country seems to be plagued by. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, work, fitness, food, whatever, if there’s a dopamine response, you can bet someone who is struggling with emotion will use the activity to supress their emotion.

And that’s what addiction is. It’s avoidance. It would really be better to call it that rather than addiction, so that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

When someone is in avoidance, whatever their substance or behaviour, they can be VERY challenging to be around. It is absolutely your right to put in strict boundaries that meant you aren’t taken advantage of, but it doesn’t mean you have to let go of compassion all together.

If you are in avoidance, it is hard to see, because those behaviours are keeping you SO safe. They help you function day to day, or at least you think they do, and it’s impossible to break out of the behaviour, because you to do so is to face the thing you are avoiding, and that is not only hideously painful, but also incredibly scary.

When in avoidance, everything becomes about maintaining that position. Everything. In avoidance, you heartily swerve anything that may make you look in the mirror to see your pain. In avoidance, you may hurt those around you to maintain that state. Unfortunately, that capitalises on your avoidance, because now you have to avoid the pain and guilt of hurting those you love.

When someone is in avoidance, rather than judging, or directing, or insisting they stop avoiding, perhaps it is more helpful to say you are there when they are ready to face what they are avoiding. Perhaps it is more helpful to ask them how their behaviour is helping them, and to listen to the response with compassion. Perhaps it is about saying ‘I won’t help you avoid, but I will help you heal’.

People in avoidance don’t need to be isolated further, they need to be embraced and sheltered from the storm inside their own bodies. People in avoidance are in pain and their pain needs to be held until they can look at it without wincing. (Please be clear, I am not asking you to suffer for someone else’s pain, you MUST keep yourself safe before anything else.)

I have never met someone in avoidance who hasn’t experienced a horrific trauma, or abuse, or particularly painful bereavement. I haven’t met someone in avoidance who has experienced emotional stability and been given emotional resilience in childhood. Every single person I have met (and there have been a fair few) who is in avoidance does not have the emotional tool kit to deal with the horrors they have experienced.

So please, when you see someone is destroying themselves and those around them with their avoidance, acknowledge their pain, keep yourself safe, don’t enable, but do try and offer them compassion.

Avoidance doesn’t discriminate, nobody is immune.

If you’ve been affected by avoidance, please get in touch with the wonderful Drugfam You can do so by clicking on their page.

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Genuine v Fake Apologies

Okay, so here it is, the blog I’ve been promising on apologies. It’s going to be long, so grab a drink, find a comfy spot and get ready!

Apologies are tricky. Have you ever had someone apologise, but it doesn’t really feel right? Like it’s left you feeling as though somehow they don’t really feel sorry, even though they’ve said they are?

It might be because it was a fake apology.

What makes a genuine apology?

Well, first it starts with ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I apologise’. Then there should be some expression of remorse. ‘I feel really bad for hurting you’ or ‘I wish I could go back and do it differently’.

Then, there needs to be acceptance of responsibility ‘I shouldn’t have done that, it was unkind of me’ or ‘I should have done things differently, and that’s my fault’.

Then there should be some kind of amend making, ‘I will try and make it up to you to earn your trust and respect back’.

Finally (or so they say) a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

That sounds really simple doesn’t it? Except so often, that’s not how people apologise. When someone is offering a fake apology, none of those steps happen, although it seems like it does, but we are left feeling deflated and defeated, and sometimes guilty for ‘making’ the other person feel bad for their wrongdoing. How on earth does that work!?

How do some people manage to walk away from apologising without actually having apologised, and how do we spot a fake apology?

Well for me, it comes down to four things. Acceptance of responsibility, or lack of, justification, deflection, and behaviour change.

Acceptance of responsibility:

When someone starts their apology with ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, or ‘that wasn’t my intention’, it’s fake. They aren’t taking responsibility. This can come down to boundaries, after all, I talk all the time about how we aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, but when we know we’ve screwed up (and we all do it from time to time) we don’t get to tell the other person they aren’t hurt. We acknowledge the pain we’ve caused and we accept what we did was wrong. We don’t make excuses, or turn it back on them, we own our behaviour and we take responsibility for it.

On a side note, sometimes when we are being apologised to, we have to accept responsibility for our part in things too. It can go a long way to help resolving a situation when we offer that to the apologiser. When we can look at a situation and say ‘thank you for your apology, I should have done X differently too’, we are not vindicating someone, but merely showing we know where our part lies.

Justification.

I mentioned not making excuses. That is what’s called justification. When someone starts justifying, I know immediately that they know they’re in the wrong, but they’re incapable of taking responsibility. When ever someone starts an apology with ‘I’m sorry, BUT….’, I know they don’t mean their apology.

When someone uses the word ‘but’, everything before it becomes irrelevant (Name that show 😉 ). When we justify ourselves, we are excusing our behaviour on some flimsy basis. We are exonerating ourselves of responsibility due to external circumstances.

And that is not okay. It is not an apology, it is an excuse for behaviour, and does not go any way to making amends.

Another thing that can happen when someone is making a fake apology is deflection. Deflection is when the apologiser tries to divert attention from their behaviour to another subject. They may raise a past incident where you behaved in a way that upset them. They may even use this deflection as justification. When that happens, I would probably walk away and say ‘until you are ready to focus on the issue at hand, I won’t engage in further discussion’.

Basically by saying that, I’m not allowing the apologiser to shift blame for their behaviour onto me, and I’m not allowing the apologiser to distract me from their behaviour by dragging up past hurts. This only leads to escalation and removes the focus from their wrongdoing. Not okay.

And finally behavioural change. I said at the beginning that the final part of an apology is a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

For me, that isn’t enough. It has to be demonstrated. The best form of apology in my opinion is behavioural change. It’s showing how sorry we are by never repeating the thing that caused the hurt in the first place.

If for example, someone says to you, ‘I find it really difficult when you criticise my hair’ (random I know!), you apologise for causing hurt, you admit it wasn’t kind of you, and you never ever criticise their hair again. Ever. Not even once.

And it is that, that change in behaviour, that shows that the apology is genuine, heartfelt, and intentional.

Another thing to remember is how to accept an apology. I always think it’s best to say ‘thank you for your apology’ rather than ‘it’s okay’. That’s because when we say ‘it’s okay’ linguistically it could sound as though we are saying ‘your behaviour was acceptable, you can do it again’. By saying ‘thank you’ we acknowledge and accept the apology with the behavioural boundary in place. Hope I’ve explained that properly, I might come back to it!

Anyway, remember, when someone apologises, they do these things:

1. Start by saying sorry or a variant of.

2. They take responsibility for their part in the incident.

3. They make amends

4. The change their behaviour.

I hope you’ve had a good Christmas, and are looking forward to the New Year. Next Friday, I’m going to do a video on making change and how to stick to it.

As always, take great care, be kind to yourselves,

Helen x

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Why can’t they see the poison?

It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.

Especially in narcissistic families, when the scapegoat realises the parent is abusive it can be isolating and frustrating that others in the same family can’t or won’t acknowledge how unhealthy the behaviour is.

The same applies when someone is in an abusive relationship, and they keep accepting obvious and transparent lies, or emotional or physical abuse, without disengaging from the relationship.

It’s because the unknown, or rather the thought of the unknown is MUCH more terrifying than the current reality, however toxic and abusive it might be.

Adult children on narcissistic parents often ask ‘why can’t my sibling see it? Why do they think it’s okay?’

It’s such a heartfelt question and has so much pain attached to it that it can be overwhelming for the client. Naturally it touches me too.

Here’s the thing. We repeat patterns we know because they’re comfortable. Change is something everyone struggles with, and drastic dramatic change, such as leaving a partner or refusing to be abused in a toxic family system, is terrifying.

How can you help? Don’t judge, allow their process, occasionally notice behaviours you don’t agree with, but refer to self rather than them. When we try and prise someone’s eyes open, they merely shut them more tightly, most likely blocking us out too.

Hold that person in their space, and move at their speed. And when they finally open their eyes, you can be there to help them understand the new way of seeing.

 

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Self Care isn’t just wine and bubble baths…

Tonight, after spending a lovely day with family, driving 2 hours there and back, I stood at my ironing board and faced my least favourite household chore.

I’m not an ironer, I consider myself more of an ‘aggressive folder’, and when the creases finally defeat me, I throw the offending item onto the ironing pile and ignore it for at least 6 weeks. I’m terrible for it.

But tonight, I stood there and ironed everything that’s been waiting for my attention, and as I lamented the curse I had bestowed upon myself, I realised that this was actually my Sunday Self Care.

You see, here’s the thing. This week is manic. Everyday I’m doing something that means my down time is seriously limited, and as such, my down time is going to be crucial. By clearing my washing and ironing pile this weekend; by making sure every item of clothing I need is clean and in the right place, I’m self-caring for future me.

I’ve talked about this before, I know, a brief comment on how I was looking after future me, and here’s why.

Future me has a lot on her plate. Tons of responsibilities, inside and outside of client work. I’m SO lucky to be in that position, but the danger is if I don’t keep a handle on things, I will burn out. I will wake up one morning and the idea of getting up and ready will seem like an Everest task, rather than a molehill. I’m always trying to keep my tasks like molehills.

I’m not always successful, and that’s okay, I do what I can in the moment to help future me, or Wednesday me. For example, on a Thursday, I see clients until 8pm. I then do notes and tidy the room and get home about 9pm. That’s super late, and leaves me little time to chill out before I need to go to bed. So, I cook dinner in the morning, and I make sure I have everything in place, so all I have to do is walk in, eat, and zone out watching re runs of whatever box set I’m bingeing on Netflix.

So ironing on a Sunday night, or cooking dinner on a Thursday morning is self-care. Self care isn’t always a bubble bath and a scented candle, it’s making sure that morning you will thank evening you and vice versa for the job that we didn’t have to do when we were already stretched thin.

So when you think about self care like that, what do you do for future you?

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Grandiosity in Narcissism

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be writing to describe the way each of the core traits of narcissism presents interpersonally. That is to say, how the trait will act out when the narcissist is with others.

One of the core traits in narcissism is Grandiosity. Grandiosity is experienced either overtly or covertly. That means the grandiose belief is either obvious, or hidden.

What is grandiosity? Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority, with no basis in reality. For example the person who believes they’re a medic, despite never having done any training, and garnering knowledge from T.V. shows or articles. Grandiosity is believing that they are better than others and should be treated as such.

In narcissism, grandiosity is considered pathological when it comes at a cost to others, when someone’s belief in their superiority results in interpersonal dominance and antagonism. It’s hard to distinguish grandiosity from entitlement, but the main difference would be that entitlement is much more interpersonal and grandiosity is more intrapersonal, meaning that it does not necessarily need others to fulfil the belief.

When overtly presented, grandiosity might look like someone who likes fast cars and big houses, who dominates conversation with the belief that they’re the only one who knows everything, or that they’re the one who knows best.

When covertly presented, it might be that the individual believes they are better than others, but keep it well hidden, only excluding those who don’t comply with that belief system.

Grandiosity is thought to be a self-enhancement, used to regulate self-esteem, and allows the individual the power to deny any characteristic flaws, and also gives the person unrealistic high expectations. When those expectations aren’t met, or the character flaws aren’t deniable, this can provoke what’s known as ‘narcissistic rage’.

Narcissistic rage involves the individual going to extreme lengths to gain revenge, and therefore rebalance the perceived power imbalance. If someone has in anyway contradicted or exposed the narcissists grandiose beliefs to be the hollow shell they are, that person will come under extreme attack from the narcissist, in the form of devaluing and discrediting, also known as the smear campaign.

Furthermore, when the narcissist feels threatened by attack, they will themselves attack as a form of defence. Grandiosity gives the overt narcissist the courage to keep ploughing their agenda, even when presented with contradicting evidence; and it might even be said the same of the covert narcissist, although it will appear much more subtly and passive aggressively.

The grandiose trait is one that doesn’t have an awful lot to say about it, other than a person with the pathological trait will believe they are better than others with not evidence to suggest why, and as such will probably avoid people who may indeed be better than them.

Whilst grandiosity doesn’t seem so harmful, in a family system, where others are an extension of the narcissist, if the partner or children do not comply with or fulfil the grandiose need, the narcissist will exclude, attack or smear campaign that person. It means children will be expected to achieve higher than anyone else, and will exist to please their narcissistic parent, and any signs of autonomy of failure will be met with one of those responses described above.

The exposer of this and any trait will likely be met with the narcissistic rage, and ultimately exclusion and isolation.

Next time, I will write about entitlement and exploitation together. 45640751_1946860695362663_6624783326601281536_n.jpg

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Suicide Part 2.

Suicide, part two.

When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore. I was describing what I can only describe as honest suicide.

As I wrote it, I knew I was missing a big piece of the story around suicide out, and it made me uncomfortable because it is big, it is vital to talk about it and I knew it was wrong not to bring it up. So here I am.

Very very often, emotional abusers will use suicide as a tactic to manipulate and control. They will threaten it, even attempt it to coerce and convince someone not to leave, because an empathic person will do anything to avoid the feeling of responsibility bestowed on them by the abuser.

Narcissists are well known for suicide attempts. In narcissists, suicide rates are higher than in general population. It’s thought that this is because eventually a narcissist will be ‘found out’, and the level of shame that this exposes them to provokes suicide.

It could however be argued that suicidal ideation is the best defence mechanism in the world for a narcissist/abuser. Because what person would criticise someone recovering from a suicide attempt? When attention is taken from a narcissist they will go to extreme lengths to pull the attention back on to them, including threatening or attempting suicide.

The point of this post is this. Whatever reason someone has for killing themselves, ultimately, that is THEIR choice. It’s the ultimate choice really, and their right to execute it with free will. I know there are legal situations where people have been pushed and provoked into suicide, so I exclude those.

We all have a responsibility for the choices we make, and choosing suicide lies entirely with that person.

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Suicide Part One.

I want to talk about suicide. It seems so current that I really feel like I need to voice some thoughts about it. I also suspect I’m saying something controversial that may not be well received. But I know those who are suicidal will relate to this, and I hope they will be grateful to be recognised, so this is for them.

There’s a comment I’ve heard SO many times around suicide that I find so deeply misguided and misunderstanding of what it means to suicidal that it feels important to correct it.

‘Suicide is SO selfish’.

No. Just no.

Suicide is not selfish; in the mind of the victim it is selfLESS.

People with suicidal thoughts and feelings often feel like they are a burden on everyone around them. Not just bothering people, but a millstone around the neck of every single person they’re in contact with, and an obelisk for those who love them.

When someone famous (or not) dies by suicide, we often hear how those around them had no idea how low they were. Sure, they had been fighting depression, but she/he had seemed so positive recently. How they were happy and smiling merely hours before. That they never complained and no one would ever have known they were suicidal.

That’s possibly because they didn’t want to increase the burden they perceived themselves to be. Or sometimes when the decision is made to complete suicide the person finds relief and is relieved of their own burden and so is at peace knowing their own suffering and the perceived suffering of others around them will be over soon.

It is never ever a selfless act. It is never done because you weren’t good enough. It is more likely they thought you were TOO good for them. Too good to be imposed upon by them in any way shape or form.

You and I both know they’re wrong, but for them it’s an absolute truth. Suicide is not selfish. It hurts those around them. It causes untold damage on those who love them, but my experience shows me that it is an act of horribly misguided kindness on those they wish to free from the burden of their own pain.

I’m not advocating suicide. Merely suggesting that we have to stop and look at the people around us. There are constant messages that someone who is suicidal should reach out and ask for help. How can they possibly? How can someone who feels like a huge 50 ton weight on people ask to add more weight?

We have to look up and really see those around us. Check in with people. Ask ‘how are you feeling?’ Because when you ask ‘are you ok?’ There’s an unintended agenda for the response to be yes. Leave space for someone to share their true thoughts.

You may have notice I have not said ‘commit suicide’. That’s intentional. Suicide is no longer a crime and for families where suicide exists there’s a stigma attached to the word ‘commit’, so therapeutic parlance excludes that word. We now either say ‘killed themselves’, ‘completed suicide’, or ‘died by suicide’. It both removes the dismissiveness and criminal element attached to suicidal actions.

All this being said. If you’re feeling suicidal here are some contact details for various areas. Please feel free to message me and I will do what I can to find you help nearby. You will NOT be a burden on me. Suicide is often very present in my therapy room. And I welcome it in and sit with it comfortably. You are not alone. Please share this post. Without being overly dramatic; it may save a life.

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 010 195 202

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000

Hungary: 116123

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

USA: 18002738255

#suicide #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #itsokaynottobeokay #therapy #counselling

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Active v Passive Support

I have just seen a devastating post on facebook about a little boy who has died unexpectedly. In the comments was the statement ‘know that you can message me any time of night or day and I will be here for you’.

Now don’t get me wrong, that’s so clearly heartfelt and sincere, but it made me eye roll a bit.

‘that’s not very kind of you’ I thought to myself, ‘why did you do that?’

Ah. I see.

It’s because it’s the kind of passive support that sounds great but doesn’t actually do a lot. Because here’s the thing. When someone is in the depths of despair, when they are grieving a loss, of whatever kind, when they are suicidal, alone, lonely, broken and wounded, they are unlikely to have the mental strength to reach out to someone and ask for help. They may even feel ashamed of doing so. So when you put the burden of support on the sufferer, it’s not as helpful as taking the burden of support on yourself.

Putting the burden of support on the sufferer, or what I think of as ‘Passive Support’, relies on the injured party reaching out.

When you take the burden of support, or ‘Active Support’ upon yourself, you give space and room for the injured party to feel comforted without having to ask for it.

In grief it can sometimes feel as though you ‘should be over it by now’, and it is then that it is probably hardest. Being an active supporter, you would be the one reaching out consistently. Not always saying ‘I’m here if you want to talk’, but just a ‘how are you doing?’ or sending a funny picture, quote or story. Active is support is being in the background saying ‘I haven’t forgotten about your pain, I’m still here’, without reminding them constantly they have pain.

Active support is suggesting a walk, a coffee, a quiet place where tears won’t feel shamed into submission.

Active support is strong and silent but there. Active support isn’t rescuing, fixing or overwhelming, it’s respectful, holding and peaceful.

Reach out to those around you. Just a ‘how are you?’ can be so well timed that you may help without ever knowing. Please don’t expect someone who is struggling to tell you, don’t be passive, be active.

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Telling the truth….

The most frustrating thing for children of narcissists is represented in this image.

Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.

One of the questions on the AMA was ‘how can a family look so perfect from the outside, but be so toxic inside?’.

The truth of the toxicity is most fragile in those first few moments when the light begins to dawn on the hideous landscape you’ve been living in. There is a huge amount of self doubt, questioning, denial, minimalising and fear. The sense that things aren’t right but the fear of what it will mean to acknowledge that. The instinct is to hide. Pretend it isn’t real, and squash the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface. The cost of acceptance is so high it’s unfathomable. The potential loss of family, the scope of relearning, the inevitable pain and anger around this new fragile knowledge starts to take hold.

Imagine being in that position and trying to make sense of it. Imagine not knowing what’s real and what isn’t, whether your motivations, desires, pleasures are yours or theirs, how much you’ve missed out on because of their conditioning, rules, control. And then trying to tell someone.

Someone who responds ‘ah but your mum/dad are lovely’. Or ‘yeah but all parents are difficult’, or ‘well, it’s not that bad, they didn’t beat you or anything’.

Can you imagine? The dismissal? The dismissal of your emotion, much like has been done to you historically by your parent? The reinforced message of ‘don’t question us, we are your parents?’ The confirmation that once again you’re overreacting, over emotional, over sensitive.

That’s why it’s so hard to convince people. It’s not tangible. It’s constant messages of not being good enough, not meeting impossible expectations, not being helped, supported, loved unconditionally. The narcissist plays the perfect parent in public, only to make the child pay behind closed doors.

Convincing someone might need lists, of behaviours, of incidents, of conditioning, of criteria the parent meets. You may need to arm yourself, but you may find that someone is so well defended they can’t hear, because they are not ready to breathe yet. That’s on them. Not you.

It is not your job to convince someone of your truth. It is your job to know it.

If someone tells you their parent was difficult, simply respond with ‘I’m sorry, would you like to tell me more?’

Give space to people to find their feet in the new world, free from the fear of judgement or question.

You’ll be giving them a massive gift ❤️

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Anger.

Let’s talk about anger for a minute. I hear people saying ‘don’t be angry!’, ‘don’t make me angry!’ ‘I don’t want him to be angry with me!’.What I’m hearing there is an avoidance of anger. We are conditioned as a society to avoid and suppress anger ALL THE TIME.

Guess what?

That makes me angry!!

We are taught that anger is an emotion to be feared and avoided; that we must hold it in and avoid provoking it in other people. Sometimes we are taught it’s makes us or someone else looks silly. We are taught that anger is bad. Well I don’t think it is.

Anger is a really healthy and valid emotion, and one it’s important to make peace with because suppressed anger manifests in other ways, from anxiety, depression, self harm, addiction, eating disorders and many other psychopathologies. The avoidance and dismissal of anger is incredibly unhealthy, so it’s REALLY important to get in touch with our own anger, and understand what anger in other people provokes in us.

Apart from the damage internalised anger can do to our mental health, there’s another very good reason too.

Anger is often used by abusers to manipulate and control people into doing things they want them to do. Anger is used to provoke fear in others allowing the abuser to maintain a position of authority and dominance.

Anger is used by bullies in the same way.

Anger is set up to be a very powerful emotion, whereas, in fact, it’s not much different from any other emotion. One of the difficulties with anger is that we fear what we might do when angry, when the red mist comes down, we can’t control ourselves, and that seems scary. What if I told you that anger issues come from suppressing anger? That I believe that people who lose control in anger are doing so because they haven’t processed a root cause to their anger and so project it elsewhere and everywhere they see a trigger.

So how do we make peace with anger (oooo I love an oxymoron!)

Think back to when you were little. What happened in your family when you got angry? How did they react? Did they embrace it? Did they say they understood why you were so angry? Or did they dismiss it, looking at you as silly, mocking you, telling you you had no right to be angry?

When we understand the family narrative around an emotion we can start reframing it to a place we want it to be, and make friends with it.

The first thing to remember about anger that it is always a mask for another emotion. It is a defence emotion that helps us in survival mode to fight flight or freeze (or any of the other ‘f’s’).

So when we are trying to make friends with anger, we have to look carefully underneath it to see what’s actually going on.

Think back to a time you got angry. Perhaps you were overlooked for a promotion that you had been working really hard towards and now you’re angry that you haven’t got it. Why are you angry? Because it’s unfair? Because you’ve worked so hard? Or because it’s a rejection, and rejection hurts? Because it’s embarrassing to have been turned down and all your colleagues know? Because it feels shameful and humiliating to be left where you are and someone else chosen above you? (Which is ultimately rejection)

Once you know those feelings, you can start looking at them. How do you experience justice? Or more importantly, rejection?

If you are the opposite and find it difficult to connect with anger, try thinking about where anger sits in your body, and if it moves or grows as it gets stronger.

If you’re creative, try drawing it, give it a shape, colour, texture, size. If you don’t want to draw, describe it in writing. Tell the story of your anger and how you feel about being angry.

Find power in your anger. Not in a way to dominate or control, but in a healthy appropriate place where your anger helps you find your true feelings, and helps you set boundaries with others, because after all, it’s all about the boundaries!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this,

Helen

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I don’t have a choice…. Or do I?

‘I have to go to a family event this weekend. I would rather stay at home, but I don’t have a choice.’

How often have you heard someone say something like that? How often have you yourself actually said it?

When we think like that, what we’re really saying is ‘I don’t want to confront a situation where I will feel guilty for meeting my own need’.

You see, there is ALWAYS choice.

In his amazing book ‘Mans Search for Meaning’,  Viktor Fankl writes about his harrowing experience of being in Nazi Germany, Auschwitz, and other concentration camps.

He says this:

‘Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’

Even as people went to their known deaths, he observed a choice in the way they met that.

We always have choice. When we deny our choice, we disempower ourselves, and deny our need and authenticity. Sometimes we don’t want to make the difficult choice, because we perceive the cost of it to be high, and in order to avoid that truth, we deny there is choice in it.

Ultimately though, we are the ones that pay the price, whether emotional, physical or financial, it is us who suffers when we don’t meet our needs.

Being honest about the choices we have and making peace with the ones we take allows us to live a more genuine life, one that empowers us, and allows us to set boundaries. It prevents anxiety, overwhelm, exhaustion from meeting everyone else’s needs above our own.

A while ago I wrote about how ‘No’ is a full sentence. How we do not have to justify the choices we make. If you say no to someone and they are cross about it, or they change the way they view you, that is their issue, not yours.

Emotionally healthy, boundaried people will not need you to explain why your need is more important than theirs. They will accept your answer without question, and allow you to put yourself first as and when you need to. They will not attempt to guilt you, bribe you, coerce you or manipulate you into meeting their needs, and they will not hold it against you.

Sometimes making choices is hard, but perhaps it is easier to ask yourself

  1. Why do I HAVE to do this?
  2. What is the cost to me?
  3. What is it about this relationship that demands I ignore my own needs?
  4. Is that okay with me?

Often when we are little we haven’t really been given the chance to exert our will or choose for ourselves, so it’s not something that comes naturally. Over time however with practice, you will find it gets easier.

The next time someone asks you to do something and you feel a little tug of disappointment, dread or fear, pause and reflect briefly. If you need more time to decide, ask for it. Because as Frankl also says:

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Go out and grow! Take care,

Helen

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Toxic People

Dealing with toxic people is highly unpleasant, but sadly a likely part of life. Today I’m going to explain what makes someone toxic and how to identify them. Tomorrow I will explain how to deal with them.

A toxic person will be someone who you might identify as draining. They will always be central to a drama, but always as the victim or perhaps as a rescuer who then becomes a victim. They will never take responsibility for their mistakes, and they will always need to be right. Usually they will only have unkind things to say about others, but it will be shrouded in a cloak of positivity; ‘Oh Celia is SO clever, I’ve no idea why she’s still single’ or ‘Gosh, doesn’t Celia work hard, shame her poor kids never see her’.

A toxic person won’t let things go, they will be evasive, lying, twisting and manipulating the truth to suit their agenda. Overwhelmingly however, they will be selfish. It will always be their needs that are met above and beyond anyone else’s and they won’t understand why yours even matter.

Remember those boundaries I talked about? They will ignore them completely. It is toxic people who will be most upset when you start enforcing them. The difficult thing about identifying a toxic person is that at the beginning they will make you feel like you’re the best thing that ever happened to them. They will be all over you like a rash, eager to be with you and push their way into your life.

You might feel flattered, but I can bet you feel one of those ‘tugs’ I’ve talked about. Again, listen to your gut, if something tells you something doesn’t seem right, you’re probably right, don’t ignore it based on visual evidence, think about it. What seems off? Why have you got that feeling? What do they do that seems unusual? Do they talk about other people in a bitchy way? Do they have a long string of ex friends? Do they talk about themselves a lot? Do they want to know private information about you?

If you answer yes to those questions, you will need to look carefully at the situation and maybe distance yourself. Tomorrow I will talk about how to use the grey rock method to deal with toxic people. (It was meant to be today, but understanding toxicity seemed an important step!!)

Thank you

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Projection

Projection: Psychological defence mechanism that people use to deny behaviours they perpetuate, by accusing others of doing the same things.

For example, the cheating husband accusing the loyal wife of having an affair (or the other way round!) when it is in fact him who is doing it.

Projection is essentially blame shifting, and exonerates the perpetrator by openly or subtly accusing another of their own behaviour.

We naturally project all the time. If we have a bad experience with a dog for example, the chances are we will attach that experience to all dogs.

However, projection is used by abusers and manipulators to control, gaslight and dominate the victim. The abuser accuses their victim to the point the victim may even start believing it about themselves. The abuser uses projection to deflect responsibility and undermine confidence.

So how do we protect ourselves against projection?

First off, we have to build our self awareness so we don’t get into a projection war. If you were once bitten b a dog, you know that the reason you are afraid of dogs is because of that. Now you know that it is not the fault of the dog in front of you, and the feelings might be better managed.

Then we look for the evidence. You know what is true. You have to trust your knowledge. You counter the accusations with ‘where’s the evidence?’.

That is REALLY hard to do when you are being subjected to it all the time. You may not even realise it’s happening.

So if you’re reading this and you think it might be happening to you, just stop and breathe. Try and recollect a time you were accused of something totally untrue, but you believed they must be right. What is true in their claims? Anything? Because the really clever ones will put a tiny little kernel of truth in to really confuse you.

Identify the truths and lies. Own your truth, by doing so you will be more resilient against the lies. Don’t allow them to bully you by their shouting louder. Be the grey rock.

Know your truth.

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The Winner’s Triangle – The antithesis to The Drama Triangle.

I had some feedback from a group I’m in that the post about the drama triangle seemed victim shaming. It’s easy to see why, but it isn’t. It’s about accountability. When we are sucked into these conflicts by toxic people, how we respond can either perpetuate or end the situation. By understanding our own behaviour, only then can we change it. So it was never my intention to shame anyone, but merely to explain how vital it is to step back and ask how and if we are contributing to any of these roles, and ‘what I can do differently?’.

With that in mind, I wanted to explain The Winner’s Triangle. It was developed by Acey Choy in 1990. It shows us how we can still have a normal human experience, where we can help people, feel sad for things that have happened for ourselves, or actively get our needs met. The difference is the boundaries. The three roles are:

1. Vulnerable

2. Responsible

3. Potent/Assertive

Vulnerable:

The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resource and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.

The skill a vulnerable person has learnt which distinguishes them from a victim role is problem solving.

Responsible:

A responsible person is a caring individual but rather than enabling dependent behaviour, they will encourage empowerment. They will recognise that their help is most effective when showing someone in a vulnerable position that they’re able to stand on their own two feet. They will be able to set healthy and respectful boundaries, being honest about their own needs, and being able to meet them within the responsible role.

The responsible person is able to listen, and allow a vulnerable person the space and room to find their own way.

Potent/Assertive.

The potent/assertive position is someone who actively meets their own needs and drives, but unlike a persecutor, they won’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else. They will be good problem solvers and negotiators, finding a way to meet their needs, without shaming, belittling, or picking on others.

Knowing these two theories allows us to shift into healthier relationships, take responsibility for our own behaviour and feelings, and meet our needs without guilt or manipulation.

Any questions or additions?

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The Drama Triangle

The drama triangle is one of my favourite concepts. It certainly helped me understand some of my own unhealthy behaviours and lead me to be able to employ much more solid boundaries as a result.

So what is it?

Created by Stephen Karpman, it looks at how personal responsibility and power in conflicts are connected and what roles people can take or be put/drawn into when interacting with others.

There are (unsurprisingly!) 3 roles.

The Victim

The Rescuer

The Persecutor

The victim is someone who will constantly cry ‘poor me!’ whilst simultaneously avoiding taking any responsibility for their own part in their victimhood. I would say the victim is usually (but not always) the catalyst to all drama triangles. If a victim is not able to point the finger at a persecutor, they will fabricate one, maybe blame the system for example. The victim will look for a rescuer to enable their negative feelings and behaviours, whilst crediting them with being their saviour.

The rescuer is an enabler. They will offer to help, but will move from helping into rescuing. The difference is when we help someone we empower them to stand on their own two feet, and when we rescue someone we prevent them from standing on their own two feet. Interestingly, quite often the rescuer becomes the persecutor when the victim starts feeling frustrated by the disempowerment, and ends up unwittingly, and unintentionally becoming the victim, however for a long time the relationship between the victim and the rescuer is one of co-dependency as each are getting the ego strokes needed from the other.

The persecutor is anyone who calls the victim out on their behaviour. They will be saying ‘it’s your own fault’, or ‘stand on your own two feet’. They will be cast as a villain for not perpetuating or enabling the victim’s behaviour. Sometimes a persecutor is intentionally persecuting and can also start a drama triangle by enlisting others into conflict they start.

The drama triangle is fluid, participants move between roles, as described above when the rescuer can become the victim by being cast as the persecutor. Does that make sense!??!

To remove ourselves from the drama triangle takes rock hard boundaries, self awareness (where did I learn this role), and ownership. It can be hard to admit to ourselves we have been participating in these behaviours, but once we do, we can be freed from them and the constant dramas we find ourselves in as a result and move into a healthier place from where to have relationships.

Can you relate to any of this?

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Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1940’s stage play and later film, Gas Light. In the story, the husband convinces his wife, and those around them, that she is insane by changing things in their environment and convincing her that she is mistaken or has misremembered things. One of the things is convincing her that she is wrong when she notices to him that the gaslights in their apartment have been dimming. In reality he is in the flat above looking for jewellery of a woman that he murdered, and his use of the lights up there causes the lights in their flat to dim.

Gaslighting therefore, is a term to describe an abuser’s attempt to control and undermine someone’s perception of reality. It would be classed as emotional abuse.

What gaslighting does then, is to lead victims to second-guess themselves, not trusting their instinct or the facts they KNOW they know.

Gaslighting occurs in all kinds of relationships, I think the most prominent and obvious ones are marital or romantic partnerships, parent and child, and bully and victim. It’s even been used to describe certain politicians who deny facts or their own words when presented with them, and even statements they’ve clearly made via social media or in interview.

An example of gaslighting might be a child remembering an event which doesn’t show the parent in a favourable light. If the parent has pathological narcissistic tendencies, they may outright deny the event, blaming a child’s youth as a reason for misremembering, or even suggest the child is fabricating the entire story for attention.

Another might be a cheating partner caught out by texts, and instead of owning his or her behaviour will turn it back on the other partner, and suggest they are overreacting and oversensitive, or even imagining the whole thing.

Signs within us that we are being gaslighted are:

1. The inability to make decisions

2. Second-guessing what we know to be true about events both past and present.

3. Feeling confused and at the edge of reality.

4. Apologizing for things that we have no need to apologise for.

5. Feeling misunderstood.

6. Referring to the abuser for clarification/understanding/validation of your emotional response.

7. Feeling afraid to express your emotions for fear they will be dismissed/mocked/used against you.

Tactics a Gaslighter might use:

1. Minimising – suggesting you are over sensitive, over reacting, and taking things too seriously.

2. Denial – Acting like things either didn’t happen, or you must have imagined it.

3. Avoidance – By refusing to discuss the subject, moving conversation away from the things you’ve raised until you’re talking about the supermarket shop and not the fact s/he’s cheated on you.

4. Confidence – By brazening out and acting so sure of their truth and opinion that it makes you question yours.

5. Discrediting – Suggesting to others you’re over emotional, irrational, crazy, paranoid, psychotic.

6. Twisting – Again, suggesting you’re over reacting ‘I barely touched you’ when in fact you’re in hospital from the beating. Or that you’ve remembered things wrong; and you’re wrong not them.

So how do we fight back against gas lighting? It seems so flippant and dismissive to say ‘trust what you know’, but that’s what there is. Look for evidence, how do you know you’re right? How do you know you’re wrong even?

Pay attention. Look to see who is making you feel confused etc. It’s so subtle that you may have to look hard for the evidence. You’ll possibly have noticed it well the first couple of times, but have stopped questioning it as it’s worn you down. Talk to someone you trust. Try and disassociate from the gaslighter.

As ever, trust your instinct. If something feels off, it probably is.

Any questions?

(Picture copyright of Liberation Therapy)

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Trauma Bonding

Have you ever wondered why you, or your loved one can’t leave the person who hurts them? Whether physical or emotional, it can be impossible to understand why someone won’t leave, and sometimes we can feel judgemental of that, which is understandable, even if it makes us feel bad for feeling that way.

We’ve all most likely heard of the term bonding. When done healthily, it allows us to love our children, parents, partners and friends with abandon, to trust our feelings and theirs, as well as our relationships. When there is a cycle of abuse, something called ‘Trauma Bonding’ can occur.

Trauma bonding is created when an abuser uses love, fear, sex, and excitement to essentially weave a toxic web around a person. Sadly, if you have grown up in an abusive family you’re more likely to find yourself trauma bonded to an abusive partner.

The intensity of abusive relationships is incredibly overwhelming. The belief that no one else either understands you, or your partner, or the relationship between you is intoxicating. The idea that you belong to something that others just can’t or won’t experience sets you apart and allows your brain to justify the abuse, because the good times are SO good that you get hooked on them, and are willing to tolerate the bad times for those good times.

So how do we escape trauma bonding? It’s the 64 million dollar question I’m afraid, but it is possible.

The first thing to do is to try and gain an outside perspective.

1. Write the story of your relationship in the third person, from the very beginning to the very end. Be totally honest about all the good, and all the bad. Include as much detail as possible. If you’re in therapy, share the story with your therapist, but if not, with a friend. It can help to think ‘what would I tell my friend if she/he told me this?’

2. Now write a story about the partner you would like. How would they make you feel? How would they treat you? What do I bring to a relationship? What do I do well, and what do I not do well? Is my current partner living up to those hopes? Do I want things to stay the same or change?

3. Being very honest with yourself, write down the pros and cons of the current situation.

4. And then write down the pros and cons of leaving your current situation.

5. Ask yourself, how will I feel in a year if nothing has changed?

6. Look at your attempts to change your partner. Have you tried to? Have you had to explain to them how their behaviour affects you? Has it had any impact? The only person we can control is ourselves, and recognising that we have no influence on someone’s ability to change is half the problem solved.

7. Own your part in it. No one has any right to abuse another, in any way shape or form. However, we have to acknowledge what we do to contribute to, or rather, allow the behaviours towards us. This statement may feel very victim shaming, although it is in no way intended to be. This is about separating our behaviour from theirs, and owning ours so we can facilitate change. Why didn’t we walk away the first time they hit us? Why did we tolerate verbal abuse? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no? Understanding that can be a huge part of recovery, and prevention from getting into another abusive relationship.

8. Acknowledge your feelings. Often when we have experienced emotional/physical abuse whether from childhood or adulthood, we become very adept and practiced at avoiding or supressing our feelings. We squash them down so they become so buried we don’t even know what they are anymore. Often, they will manifest in other ways, through self sabotaging behaviours, or more than likely, anxiety and depression. Try writing them down, even if you can’t put a name to them, say how they make your body feel, and describe them in terms of colour, shape and texture. I will regularly ask clients to draw their feelings in an attempt to help them connect to them. Another thing that is really helpful is the word wheel which I have attached to the blog. Using that to understand our feelings can be very powerful and releasing.

9. Self care. Be kind to yourself. You are trying to undo something intangible and insidious, and it takes a lot of time. Find things that bring you joy, and allow yourself the time to indulge them.

10. Finally, finding a really good therapist with knowledge and understanding of trauma bonding is vital to recovery. A neutral person with no agenda in your relationship will help you understand yourself and help you establish strong resilient boundaries.

Please take great care of yourselves, and feel free to message or leave a comment if this has resonated with you.

Thank you

Helen

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Owning emotion.

There are times when we will tell someone ‘you make me feel…’.

Unwittingly, we have given them power and relinquished responsibility of our feelings.

There are certainly situations that provoke emotions, there’s no denying that, but even in those situations the emotion is ours and ours alone.

The secret is understanding that certain situations trigger certain emotions for us. So where someone being rude might not affect the person next to us, we might feel anger, or humiliation, or fear, or tearful.

So why does one person feel one thing, and another feel a different thing?

It all comes down to experience. Experience informs our emotional knowledge.

For example. When a car backfires, someone who has been exposed to gunshots might think they’re under attack and react accordingly. They may look for where it’s coming from, they may freeze, they may run. (Fight flight freeze etc.)

Someone who has spent their life around cars may know exactly what it is and not react at all.

Someone who has no idea what’s going on may just be curious and quickly forget about it.

So a car backfiring could trigger a PTSD flashback or nothing at all.

The same is true for all emotion. If you feel guilty saying no to someone, that may be because you were taught as a small child to meet the needs of others before your own. ‘Don’t be selfish, share your toys, do what mummy or daddy or teacher says’.

So when you come to say no as an adult, you feel guilty for doing so, for meeting your own needs.

In that situation we once again come back to boundaries. Who’s need is more important right now? If you meet their need over yours how will you be left feeling? Is that feeling okay with you? If you say yes, what is the cost?

What I’m saying is not to blame someone else for your feelings. That’s not to say you are somehow at fault, it’s saying take responsibility. Own what is yours and what is theirs. Define the boundary. Inevitably someone will do something that upsets us, so when that happens, we have to take responsibility for what we feel and they should take responsibility for their own ‘stuff’.

For example. Your partner behaves badly at a public event. How do you feel? Embarassed? Ashamed? Angry?

You may have said ‘you made me so embarrassed!’ As a result, but what you’re doing is blaming them to justify what you’re feeling. Instead of saying ‘you made me feel’, try rephrasing it to ‘I feel embarrassed/angry etc.’

As a result of being honest with ourselves and owning our emotions, we can manage our emotions. We can approach things more healthily, and set sturdier boundaries around how other people’s behaviour impacts us and how we respond to those behaviours.

To be clear, I’m not condoning bad behaviour or exonerating abuse, but asking you to be truthful with yourself about the fact that your emotions are yours alone, and owning them will empower you to respond actively and decisively. It will give you the clarity you need to step out of a place of victimhood into a resourced and emotionally independent place of pro activity.

It’s a difficult concept to explain, so please feel free to ask me questions!