Tag: teaching boundaries

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Covert Sexual Abuse

TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL ABUSE, RAPE.

So I posted on facebook a little while ago to get an idea of what people understood to be covert sexual abuse.

It didn’t seem as though many knew what I meant by it, but it certainly piqued the interest of some.

So this blog is going to set out to explain that to you. Please make sure you are in a safe space when you read this, as you may not realise that the content relates to you until it’s too late.

Okay.

Here we go.

What is covert sexual abuse?

Well, the best way to first answer that, is to perhaps consider what we thing of as ‘overt’ sexual abuse.

Overt sexual abuse can be described as anything that has an obvious sexual intent. For example molestation, rape (which includes forced oral sex and sodomy) and anything else you might consider as obviously sexual. (As a side bar, rape is typically about power more than sex but that’s another blog).

Therefore, anything that does not have an obvious sexual intention, but nevertheless leaves a victim feeling violated or that ‘ick’ feeling, could be regarded as covert sexual abuse.

It might look like the family member who squeezes just a bit too tight when they hug you, pressing against your breasts. Or they stroke your thigh a little too high up for comfort, but not quite touching your genitals. Perhaps they press their body against yours holding your waist as they ‘squeeze’ past. It might look like a parent not allowing you privacy for a bath or shower, far beyond an appropriate age.

Or not leaving the room when you ask them to so you can change, dismissing your concerns. In some cases it might look like asking to check your development to make sure you’re ‘healthy’, rather than trusting you to come to them if needed.

It might be discussing your body with others without your consent, for example your period starting, your bra size, your sexual experiences, your wet dreams, your masturbation habits.

It’s this kind of exchange:

‘please can you leave, I’m want to change’

‘Don’t worry, I don’t care, I’ve seen it all before, you’ve got nothing to show anyway’

Or maybe overhearing your parent talking to a friend

‘Oh did I tell you I Tom started getting pubic hairs, I wonder when the wet dreams will start?’

It leaves you feeling violated and confused but without really understanding why, and should you be brave enough to complain, you will likely be dismissed, possibly mocked, and devalued.

The impact of covert sexual abuse is one that leads to a detachment from your physical self, because you haven’t been taught your body is ‘yours’. The abuser has taken ownership of your physical being.

As a result, you might struggle to assert, or even know your physical boundaries, allowing others to decide them for you.

For example in relationship you may find it difficult to say no to sex with your partner because you don’t feel as though you have a right to do so. You haven’t been taught to listen to and respect your physical needs.

And worst of all, because this subject is so little understood, you may not know why you have these feelings, and you may not have had them validated by anyone around you. Because this is what we call ‘little t trauma’ and not ‘big T trauma’, it’s harder to pin point. It’s harder to explain and it’s harder to process the feelings with it.

And yet the impact of it will reach far into your life if you don’t recognise and process it, and reset the boundaries you weren’t allowed when you were a child.

If you’ve read this and are feeling a bit shocked and stunned because it relates to you, take a moment.

Sit.

Feel the feelings and reflect.

Write down incidents you can think of that relate to this.

And get into therapy, making sure the therapist really understands the subject. Covert sexual abuse is insidious, nuanced and the impact is far reaching into adulthood. It should not be downplayed or dismissed. It should be taken as seriously as overt sexual abuse, and understood as well as that.

It wasn’t right, It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t you. It was them.

Thank you for reading, and please take great great care of yourselves.

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.

There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.

Society is shifting towards an understanding and awareness of mental health issues and conditions. There’s a growing acceptance that people struggle emotionally in all kinds of ways and as such we should still our judgement and increase our compassion and tolerance.

And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It’s amazing. It warms my heart and I’m so grateful that we are starting to normalise it.

But there’s a but.

What can get mixed up in that is that toxic behaviour can be assigned to mental illness. And it’s just not true. Lots of people have depression or anxiety, and aren’t toxic. However in narcissism, it is toxic behaviour that characterises the condition.

Here’s the thing. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know how to ‘play’ you. They know how to create the trauma bond. They know what their manipulative behaviours do to you.

They cannot be excused their abusive behaviours on the ground of their mental illness because they KNOW. (I have research to back this up if anyone wants the article name)

When we know we are using an unhealthy behaviour, even if it’s something that we’ve been using to survive emotionally, we have a responsibility to correct that behaviour.

Back in the day I did a law degree. In criminal law, the defence of innocent by reason of insanity is only upheld when a person is unaware that what they’ve done is wrong. So for example, when someone murders someone else and hides the body, the act of hiding the body indicates they knew what they had done is wrong.

If they know what they’re doing they’re responsible.

Narcissism is borne from extreme abuse, neglect or smothering, where a child has to develop the idea that they are okay in the world for themselves because their parent doesn’t mirror that for them. To survive they develop narcissism. That isn’t their fault. But it is their responsibility.

What I’m trying to say is that you can hold people accountable for toxic manipulative abusive behaviour, even if they have a mental health issue.

Because the first time they do it might be about survival, but if they don’t take responsibility and they don’t change the behaviour, it’s toxic. End of.

You do not have to tolerate abuse because there is a mental illness. ❤️

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DNA doesn’t equal a right to abuse.

You do not have to tolerate abuse or toxicity from anyone. ESPECIALLY those you share DNA with.

In fact. I would offer that rather than being more ready to ‘forgive’ someone from your blood family, perhaps they should have to work harder to earn your presence and trust.

Because it is within the bonds of blood where we are supposed to feel safest, most loved, most accepted, most wanted, and most needed. And when someone betrays that bond, it is a much deeper betrayal than that from someone whom you aren’t related to. After all. Those we love the most hurt us the most.

To be loved is a huge power and privilege, and therefore should be revered and respected. To not do so demonstrates the character of a person.

So put your boundaries in. Keep yourself safe. Don’t accept anything that doesn’t make you feel valued and accepted.

DNA doesn’t give someone the right to abuse you.

Blood doesn’t offer a gateway to toxicity.

And Boundaries are enforceable against everyone.

Whatever their position in your life ❤️

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Good enough is good enough

Raising kids is really really hard.

There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly, not to mention an attempt to retain some identity other than X’s Mummy.

So here are a few things I want to tell you about attachment theory:

If they cry when you leave, it’s a good thing. If they come to you when you return it’s a great thing.

The best thing we can do for our children is go away and come back. When they are old enough (6months plus perhaps) to understand; we mind map for them, explain what we are doing and why and that we would rather be with them and will be back as soon as we can.

Validate and mirror their emotions, reassure and listen and we build a secure attachment style.

Winnicott said that the good enough mother was good enough, and another statistic shows we only need to get it right 32% of the time to establish a secure attachment in our child.

Good enough means showing your children that mistakes are permissible.

Good enough means setting an achievable bar.

Good enough means allowing opportunity to model apologies and responsibility.

Good enough means empowering children by letting them question authority without fear.

Good enough means modelling acceptance of the fallibility of each and every human being including themselves.

Good enough fosters healthy boundaries and good self awareness, protecting mental health and relationships.

Good enough is good enough and gives everyone a break, especially the parent.

Ultimately what I’m saying is this.

Relax
Reassure
Validate
Mirror
Retreat
Return.

And your babies will be just fine ❤️

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Strict parent v Boundaried Parent

This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.

Rather than creating a human who is able to know themselves, know their self worth, use their voice, trust those in authority and most importantly turn to their parent in times of difficulty; they create a hyper vigilant person. A person who lives in survival mode terrified of stepping a foot out of line but who has no idea where that line is.

They create someone who internalises and hides their thoughts and feelings, especially when they contradict those of a parent. They create someone who relies on other people to tell them they are ‘good enough’ rather than knowing it within their own core belief system.

They value the beliefs, emotions, needs of others before their own. And that requires a TON of therapy to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong. Boundaries in parenting are vital. But there’s a huge difference between telling a child what their boundaries should be, and allowing them to develop and discover their own.

Helping children develop boundaries starts when they’re tiny. Allowing them to make choices and to say no to their caregiver. Allowing them to say what they need and hearing and considering it before accepting or rejecting it.

That also means modelling good boundaries for them too. Showing them what it is to have and to hold a boundary around self worth/respect/esteem allows them the knowledge that they can do the same too.

By doing so we can teach our children to leave us, and to do so with a knowledge they will be okay in the world.

Equipping children with roots and wings is the most important thing parents can do.

By giving a child autonomy, the courage to leave the comfort of home, and the knowledge of their place being held there is the greatest gift you can give a child.

And we achieve that through minding our own boundaries and teaching them to find theirs too.

❤️

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