Tag: support

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How to choose a therapist

Choosing a therapist.

Entering therapy can be really scary. It’s a bit like going to the dentist. We don’t want to, we know it’s going to hurt, but we also know that we have to look after ourselves and we sometimes can’t do that alone.

So how do we go about picking a person who’s going to hear our deepest darkest secrets and thoughts? How do we know who to trust or who will be best equipped to help us?

The first thing to do is work out what you want to gain from therapy. What do you want to be different? How will you know when you’ve achieved that? If your first thought is along the lines of ‘I would be better’, work out what better means. What does it look like? How will you know you’re better?

Okay. So let’s say you want to treat anxiety and only anxiety. Your best bet would initially to find a CBT therapist who will work with you to challenge and alter behaviours and subsequently symptoms. However they won’t work with the root cause of anxiety, that’s something a talking therapist would do. Someone like me.

I’m an integrative therapist, which means I draw from lots of different schools to help work with you to unpick and understand what’s happening.

There are also therapists who work exclusively in their school, so perhaps Psychodynamic, Jungian or Gestalt.

So how do you know who to go for? (Obviously my bias is in integrative, so I’m going to own that and try and bracket it!)

First of all, you need to look at qualifications. It is an absolute disgrace that in this country, anyone anywhere can pop a sign on their door and be a counsellor. With absolutely not one minute of training. Not a single one.

So look for qualifications. And look for a regulatory body. There are a few bodies, but generally the main ones are BACP, and UKCP, and COSRT is for psychosexual therapists (ideally a COSRT therapist would be a member of one of the other bodies too).

If you’re looking for a psychologist, look for the BPS.

Okay. So we have a regulatory body. Now back to training. Those bodies have a minimum requirement before they support membership for practicing counsellors. The minimum requirement is level 4 qualification. For comparison I’m a level 7, and a PhD would be level 8.

Then look at insurance. Are they insured? Then DBS, if that’s important to you.

Then look for their speciality. Are they experienced in the area you want help in? Are they trained in something you want?

Then comes the most important bit. Conversation.

Finding a therapist is like shopping for new shoes. They’ve got to be comfortable and a good fit, because you’re going to walk a lot of mile in them.

So take your time. Speak to a few, ask what their experience and knowledge is of your presenting issue. Ask them all the questions you can think of.

Most importantly trust your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, move on. A good therapist won’t take that personally. They may even help you find someone else. A good therapist will ask if it’s anything they’ve done or could do differently and support you in the experience of saying no. They will use it as an opportunity to learn.

Therapy is about you and your growth, it Is your choice and you can decide whether that therapist is right or not.

Any questions?

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Why can’t they see the poison?

It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.

Especially in narcissistic families, when the scapegoat realises the parent is abusive it can be isolating and frustrating that others in the same family can’t or won’t acknowledge how unhealthy the behaviour is.

The same applies when someone is in an abusive relationship, and they keep accepting obvious and transparent lies, or emotional or physical abuse, without disengaging from the relationship.

It’s because the unknown, or rather the thought of the unknown is MUCH more terrifying than the current reality, however toxic and abusive it might be.

Adult children on narcissistic parents often ask ‘why can’t my sibling see it? Why do they think it’s okay?’

It’s such a heartfelt question and has so much pain attached to it that it can be overwhelming for the client. Naturally it touches me too.

Here’s the thing. We repeat patterns we know because they’re comfortable. Change is something everyone struggles with, and drastic dramatic change, such as leaving a partner or refusing to be abused in a toxic family system, is terrifying.

How can you help? Don’t judge, allow their process, occasionally notice behaviours you don’t agree with, but refer to self rather than them. When we try and prise someone’s eyes open, they merely shut them more tightly, most likely blocking us out too.

Hold that person in their space, and move at their speed. And when they finally open their eyes, you can be there to help them understand the new way of seeing.

 

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Self Care isn’t just wine and bubble baths…

Tonight, after spending a lovely day with family, driving 2 hours there and back, I stood at my ironing board and faced my least favourite household chore.

I’m not an ironer, I consider myself more of an ‘aggressive folder’, and when the creases finally defeat me, I throw the offending item onto the ironing pile and ignore it for at least 6 weeks. I’m terrible for it.

But tonight, I stood there and ironed everything that’s been waiting for my attention, and as I lamented the curse I had bestowed upon myself, I realised that this was actually my Sunday Self Care.

You see, here’s the thing. This week is manic. Everyday I’m doing something that means my down time is seriously limited, and as such, my down time is going to be crucial. By clearing my washing and ironing pile this weekend; by making sure every item of clothing I need is clean and in the right place, I’m self-caring for future me.

I’ve talked about this before, I know, a brief comment on how I was looking after future me, and here’s why.

Future me has a lot on her plate. Tons of responsibilities, inside and outside of client work. I’m SO lucky to be in that position, but the danger is if I don’t keep a handle on things, I will burn out. I will wake up one morning and the idea of getting up and ready will seem like an Everest task, rather than a molehill. I’m always trying to keep my tasks like molehills.

I’m not always successful, and that’s okay, I do what I can in the moment to help future me, or Wednesday me. For example, on a Thursday, I see clients until 8pm. I then do notes and tidy the room and get home about 9pm. That’s super late, and leaves me little time to chill out before I need to go to bed. So, I cook dinner in the morning, and I make sure I have everything in place, so all I have to do is walk in, eat, and zone out watching re runs of whatever box set I’m bingeing on Netflix.

So ironing on a Sunday night, or cooking dinner on a Thursday morning is self-care. Self care isn’t always a bubble bath and a scented candle, it’s making sure that morning you will thank evening you and vice versa for the job that we didn’t have to do when we were already stretched thin.

So when you think about self care like that, what do you do for future you?

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Suicide Part 2.

Suicide, part two.

When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore. I was describing what I can only describe as honest suicide.

As I wrote it, I knew I was missing a big piece of the story around suicide out, and it made me uncomfortable because it is big, it is vital to talk about it and I knew it was wrong not to bring it up. So here I am.

Very very often, emotional abusers will use suicide as a tactic to manipulate and control. They will threaten it, even attempt it to coerce and convince someone not to leave, because an empathic person will do anything to avoid the feeling of responsibility bestowed on them by the abuser.

Narcissists are well known for suicide attempts. In narcissists, suicide rates are higher than in general population. It’s thought that this is because eventually a narcissist will be ‘found out’, and the level of shame that this exposes them to provokes suicide.

It could however be argued that suicidal ideation is the best defence mechanism in the world for a narcissist/abuser. Because what person would criticise someone recovering from a suicide attempt? When attention is taken from a narcissist they will go to extreme lengths to pull the attention back on to them, including threatening or attempting suicide.

The point of this post is this. Whatever reason someone has for killing themselves, ultimately, that is THEIR choice. It’s the ultimate choice really, and their right to execute it with free will. I know there are legal situations where people have been pushed and provoked into suicide, so I exclude those.

We all have a responsibility for the choices we make, and choosing suicide lies entirely with that person.

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Suicide Part One.

I want to talk about suicide. It seems so current that I really feel like I need to voice some thoughts about it. I also suspect I’m saying something controversial that may not be well received. But I know those who are suicidal will relate to this, and I hope they will be grateful to be recognised, so this is for them.

There’s a comment I’ve heard SO many times around suicide that I find so deeply misguided and misunderstanding of what it means to suicidal that it feels important to correct it.

‘Suicide is SO selfish’.

No. Just no.

Suicide is not selfish; in the mind of the victim it is selfLESS.

People with suicidal thoughts and feelings often feel like they are a burden on everyone around them. Not just bothering people, but a millstone around the neck of every single person they’re in contact with, and an obelisk for those who love them.

When someone famous (or not) dies by suicide, we often hear how those around them had no idea how low they were. Sure, they had been fighting depression, but she/he had seemed so positive recently. How they were happy and smiling merely hours before. That they never complained and no one would ever have known they were suicidal.

That’s possibly because they didn’t want to increase the burden they perceived themselves to be. Or sometimes when the decision is made to complete suicide the person finds relief and is relieved of their own burden and so is at peace knowing their own suffering and the perceived suffering of others around them will be over soon.

It is never ever a selfless act. It is never done because you weren’t good enough. It is more likely they thought you were TOO good for them. Too good to be imposed upon by them in any way shape or form.

You and I both know they’re wrong, but for them it’s an absolute truth. Suicide is not selfish. It hurts those around them. It causes untold damage on those who love them, but my experience shows me that it is an act of horribly misguided kindness on those they wish to free from the burden of their own pain.

I’m not advocating suicide. Merely suggesting that we have to stop and look at the people around us. There are constant messages that someone who is suicidal should reach out and ask for help. How can they possibly? How can someone who feels like a huge 50 ton weight on people ask to add more weight?

We have to look up and really see those around us. Check in with people. Ask ‘how are you feeling?’ Because when you ask ‘are you ok?’ There’s an unintended agenda for the response to be yes. Leave space for someone to share their true thoughts.

You may have notice I have not said ‘commit suicide’. That’s intentional. Suicide is no longer a crime and for families where suicide exists there’s a stigma attached to the word ‘commit’, so therapeutic parlance excludes that word. We now either say ‘killed themselves’, ‘completed suicide’, or ‘died by suicide’. It both removes the dismissiveness and criminal element attached to suicidal actions.

All this being said. If you’re feeling suicidal here are some contact details for various areas. Please feel free to message me and I will do what I can to find you help nearby. You will NOT be a burden on me. Suicide is often very present in my therapy room. And I welcome it in and sit with it comfortably. You are not alone. Please share this post. Without being overly dramatic; it may save a life.

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 010 195 202

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000

Hungary: 116123

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

USA: 18002738255

#suicide #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #itsokaynottobeokay #therapy #counselling

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Active v Passive Support

I have just seen a devastating post on facebook about a little boy who has died unexpectedly. In the comments was the statement ‘know that you can message me any time of night or day and I will be here for you’.

Now don’t get me wrong, that’s so clearly heartfelt and sincere, but it made me eye roll a bit.

‘that’s not very kind of you’ I thought to myself, ‘why did you do that?’

Ah. I see.

It’s because it’s the kind of passive support that sounds great but doesn’t actually do a lot. Because here’s the thing. When someone is in the depths of despair, when they are grieving a loss, of whatever kind, when they are suicidal, alone, lonely, broken and wounded, they are unlikely to have the mental strength to reach out to someone and ask for help. They may even feel ashamed of doing so. So when you put the burden of support on the sufferer, it’s not as helpful as taking the burden of support on yourself.

Putting the burden of support on the sufferer, or what I think of as ‘Passive Support’, relies on the injured party reaching out.

When you take the burden of support, or ‘Active Support’ upon yourself, you give space and room for the injured party to feel comforted without having to ask for it.

In grief it can sometimes feel as though you ‘should be over it by now’, and it is then that it is probably hardest. Being an active supporter, you would be the one reaching out consistently. Not always saying ‘I’m here if you want to talk’, but just a ‘how are you doing?’ or sending a funny picture, quote or story. Active is support is being in the background saying ‘I haven’t forgotten about your pain, I’m still here’, without reminding them constantly they have pain.

Active support is suggesting a walk, a coffee, a quiet place where tears won’t feel shamed into submission.

Active support is strong and silent but there. Active support isn’t rescuing, fixing or overwhelming, it’s respectful, holding and peaceful.

Reach out to those around you. Just a ‘how are you?’ can be so well timed that you may help without ever knowing. Please don’t expect someone who is struggling to tell you, don’t be passive, be active.