strict parents – Liberation Therapy

Raising kids is really really hard.

There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly, not to mention an attempt to retain some identity other than X’s Mummy.

So here are a few things I want to tell you about attachment theory:

If they cry when you leave, it’s a good thing. If they come to you when you return it’s a great thing.

The best thing we can do for our children is go away and come back. When they are old enough (6months plus perhaps) to understand; we mind map for them, explain what we are doing and why and that we would rather be with them and will be back as soon as we can.

Validate and mirror their emotions, reassure and listen and we build a secure attachment style.

Winnicott said that the good enough mother was good enough, and another statistic shows we only need to get it right 32% of the time to establish a secure attachment in our child.

Good enough means showing your children that mistakes are permissible.

Good enough means setting an achievable bar.

Good enough means allowing opportunity to model apologies and responsibility.

Good enough means empowering children by letting them question authority without fear.

Good enough means modelling acceptance of the fallibility of each and every human being including themselves.

Good enough fosters healthy boundaries and good self awareness, protecting mental health and relationships.

Good enough is good enough and gives everyone a break, especially the parent.

Ultimately what I’m saying is this.

Relax
Reassure
Validate
Mirror
Retreat
Return.

And your babies will be just fine ❤️

Strict parent v Boundaried Parent

This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.

Rather than creating a human who is able to know themselves, know their self worth, use their voice, trust those in authority and most importantly turn to their parent in times of difficulty; they create a hyper vigilant person. A person who lives in survival mode terrified of stepping a foot out of line but who has no idea where that line is.

They create someone who internalises and hides their thoughts and feelings, especially when they contradict those of a parent. They create someone who relies on other people to tell them they are ‘good enough’ rather than knowing it within their own core belief system.

They value the beliefs, emotions, needs of others before their own. And that requires a TON of therapy to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong. Boundaries in parenting are vital. But there’s a huge difference between telling a child what their boundaries should be, and allowing them to develop and discover their own.

Helping children develop boundaries starts when they’re tiny. Allowing them to make choices and to say no to their caregiver. Allowing them to say what they need and hearing and considering it before accepting or rejecting it.

That also means modelling good boundaries for them too. Showing them what it is to have and to hold a boundary around self worth/respect/esteem allows them the knowledge that they can do the same too.

By doing so we can teach our children to leave us, and to do so with a knowledge they will be okay in the world.

Equipping children with roots and wings is the most important thing parents can do.

By giving a child autonomy, the courage to leave the comfort of home, and the knowledge of their place being held there is the greatest gift you can give a child.

And we achieve that through minding our own boundaries and teaching them to find theirs too.

❤️