Tag: pathological narcissism

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.

There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.

Society is shifting towards an understanding and awareness of mental health issues and conditions. There’s a growing acceptance that people struggle emotionally in all kinds of ways and as such we should still our judgement and increase our compassion and tolerance.

And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It’s amazing. It warms my heart and I’m so grateful that we are starting to normalise it.

But there’s a but.

What can get mixed up in that is that toxic behaviour can be assigned to mental illness. And it’s just not true. Lots of people have depression or anxiety, and aren’t toxic. However in narcissism, it is toxic behaviour that characterises the condition.

Here’s the thing. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know how to ‘play’ you. They know how to create the trauma bond. They know what their manipulative behaviours do to you.

They cannot be excused their abusive behaviours on the ground of their mental illness because they KNOW. (I have research to back this up if anyone wants the article name)

When we know we are using an unhealthy behaviour, even if it’s something that we’ve been using to survive emotionally, we have a responsibility to correct that behaviour.

Back in the day I did a law degree. In criminal law, the defence of innocent by reason of insanity is only upheld when a person is unaware that what they’ve done is wrong. So for example, when someone murders someone else and hides the body, the act of hiding the body indicates they knew what they had done is wrong.

If they know what they’re doing they’re responsible.

Narcissism is borne from extreme abuse, neglect or smothering, where a child has to develop the idea that they are okay in the world for themselves because their parent doesn’t mirror that for them. To survive they develop narcissism. That isn’t their fault. But it is their responsibility.

What I’m trying to say is that you can hold people accountable for toxic manipulative abusive behaviour, even if they have a mental health issue.

Because the first time they do it might be about survival, but if they don’t take responsibility and they don’t change the behaviour, it’s toxic. End of.

You do not have to tolerate abuse because there is a mental illness. ❤️

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The complementary moral defence.

The Complementary Moral Defence

Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection. That when someone has a problem with the narcissist’s behaviour, it is THEIR problem, not that of the narcissist.

It can be the most frustrating thing about interacting with a narcissist, they never accept responsibility, they devalue, discard, and smear the criticiser, and deflect from the main issue.

As adults that is hard enough to deal with, but what happens when that happens in a parent child relationship?

The child of a narcissistic parent develops something called ‘the complementary moral defence’.

Now hang on in there, this is going to get a bit technical, but I’ll do my best to keep it accessible!!

Daniel Shaw describes it thus:

‘the assertion on the part of the parent…usually implicit, and sometimes explicit, that one owns exclusive rights to “the goodness” …and the child therefore is the locus of any “badness” that arises.

The complementary moral defence is an intrapersonal response from someone in an interpersonal relationship with an abuser. In my instance, I’m applying it to the relationship between the child and the narcissistic parent. This is because, in this situation, it becomes a conditioned response to every relationship where someone disagrees with said child.

What happens is this. When a child is raised by a narcissist, they are not allowed to criticise or reject the narcissistic parent’s personality, behaviour or need. As the narcissist believes they are the whole of all things good, they will refuse and deflect any responsibility around wrongdoing, in whatever format that might take.

When we are children, our parents are meant to represent a secure base from which to explore the world. A place of safety to which we can retreat if scared or unsure about our surroundings and relationships. This is called attachment. The attachment relationship is the most precious and idealised thing for a child. They will go to any and all lengths to maintain it, including accepting responsibility for all that is wrong in a relationship, which is what happens in the narcissistic parent/child relationship.

And that is what the complementary moral defence is. It is where a child will understand that in order to avoid rupturing their attachment with their narcissistic parent, they must hold ALL that is bad or wrong in the interpersonal relationship, and as such internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed and broken.

They then take this belief and translate it to all the relationships they experience moving forward, until they have a huge amount of therapy and understand that it isn’t possible for only one person to be bad, and that relationships are co-created, and that parents are fallible humans, and in fact parents need to recognise and own their own flaws before projecting them onto their child, as a matter of urgency, and children don’t understand the shades of grey around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as adults do.

The complementary moral defence carries with it an omnipotent power over the emotions of others, where the sufferer will believe they have an unrealistic influence over how others think, feel and behave, because they have been told repeatedly sentences that start with the words ‘you make me……’

The adult child with this symptom of narcissistic abuse will struggle to say no to others, to hold others accountable for negative behaviour, and will feel huge guilt when they try and assert their need over someone else’s. They will need reassurance and support above that of someone who hasn’t experienced this, and will also feel guilt and shame for this too.

It’s hideous. The impact of this reaches into all other relationships, and makes the sufferer vulnerable to other abusers, believing them when they say ‘it’s your fault, you made me do it’.

Breaking out of this behaviour requires therapy, and thought challenging techniques. It requires the unpicking of learned messages and behaviours, and painful realisation that the parent wasn’t perfect at all, but possibly more flawed than most.

It’s painful, it’s shocking, but holy moly it’s healing. By unpicking, it allows the establishment of boundaries, and a relief from the omnipotent power and responsibility over others.

Ultimately, it’s worth it.

Any questions?
H

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Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.

I love the words in this image, because we repeat what we know even if that means ending up in abusive situations.

The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.

Narcissistic parents create a world view, and as such will repeatedly tell their children that the childhood they had was amazing. And of course the children believe them.

Whenever someone tells me their childhood was perfect, I’m always wary. My spidey senses flare. And so far they’ve been right.

The problem is that you don’t know any different. You’ve been taught that everything the narcissistic parent has said and done, or the way they treat you or expect you to behave is completely normal. And because a lot of narcissistic abuse doesn’t involve physical abuse in the ‘traditional’ sense, a child doesn’t know the way they are being treated is wrong. We don’t get taught about emotional abuse in schools.

As a child you have no other point of reference, so whilst you might not have liked it very much, and maybe even rebelled against it now and again (or a lot!) you will have been taught that YOU are the problem. Nobody else, just you.

And so children of narcissists come to view themselves as fundamentally flawed and that they are lucky if anyone loves them at all, even if that love is abusive.

It’s called ‘the complementary moral defence’, and means the child of the narcissist has to absorb all the wrong in the relationship so as to maintain the attachment, because if challenged the narcissist will withdraw their ‘love’ as a punishment. To a child that isolation is catastrophic.

That complementary moral defence plays out over and over again in other relationships as the child grows, ultimately establishing itself in the adult love relationship.

It leaves children of narcissists vulnerable to abusive relationships and it’s why it’s SO important to understand all the ways in which you’ve been affected and educate yourself around all the different behaviours.

And that’s where hope lies. Because on the other side of that understanding and education are healthy relationships, self respect, self worth, self LOVE, self esteem, boundaries and so many other positive affects.

Going through and weeding out every unhealthy behaviour attributed to you is the only way to be free of the pattern but oh my goodness it’s worth it.

I watch clients go through this process and blossom into their true selves and it’s magical to see.

Be kind in the process, but process ❤️

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Why can’t they see the poison?

It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.

Especially in narcissistic families, when the scapegoat realises the parent is abusive it can be isolating and frustrating that others in the same family can’t or won’t acknowledge how unhealthy the behaviour is.

The same applies when someone is in an abusive relationship, and they keep accepting obvious and transparent lies, or emotional or physical abuse, without disengaging from the relationship.

It’s because the unknown, or rather the thought of the unknown is MUCH more terrifying than the current reality, however toxic and abusive it might be.

Adult children on narcissistic parents often ask ‘why can’t my sibling see it? Why do they think it’s okay?’

It’s such a heartfelt question and has so much pain attached to it that it can be overwhelming for the client. Naturally it touches me too.

Here’s the thing. We repeat patterns we know because they’re comfortable. Change is something everyone struggles with, and drastic dramatic change, such as leaving a partner or refusing to be abused in a toxic family system, is terrifying.

How can you help? Don’t judge, allow their process, occasionally notice behaviours you don’t agree with, but refer to self rather than them. When we try and prise someone’s eyes open, they merely shut them more tightly, most likely blocking us out too.

Hold that person in their space, and move at their speed. And when they finally open their eyes, you can be there to help them understand the new way of seeing.

 

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Grandiosity in Narcissism

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be writing to describe the way each of the core traits of narcissism presents interpersonally. That is to say, how the trait will act out when the narcissist is with others.

One of the core traits in narcissism is Grandiosity. Grandiosity is experienced either overtly or covertly. That means the grandiose belief is either obvious, or hidden.

What is grandiosity? Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority, with no basis in reality. For example the person who believes they’re a medic, despite never having done any training, and garnering knowledge from T.V. shows or articles. Grandiosity is believing that they are better than others and should be treated as such.

In narcissism, grandiosity is considered pathological when it comes at a cost to others, when someone’s belief in their superiority results in interpersonal dominance and antagonism. It’s hard to distinguish grandiosity from entitlement, but the main difference would be that entitlement is much more interpersonal and grandiosity is more intrapersonal, meaning that it does not necessarily need others to fulfil the belief.

When overtly presented, grandiosity might look like someone who likes fast cars and big houses, who dominates conversation with the belief that they’re the only one who knows everything, or that they’re the one who knows best.

When covertly presented, it might be that the individual believes they are better than others, but keep it well hidden, only excluding those who don’t comply with that belief system.

Grandiosity is thought to be a self-enhancement, used to regulate self-esteem, and allows the individual the power to deny any characteristic flaws, and also gives the person unrealistic high expectations. When those expectations aren’t met, or the character flaws aren’t deniable, this can provoke what’s known as ‘narcissistic rage’.

Narcissistic rage involves the individual going to extreme lengths to gain revenge, and therefore rebalance the perceived power imbalance. If someone has in anyway contradicted or exposed the narcissists grandiose beliefs to be the hollow shell they are, that person will come under extreme attack from the narcissist, in the form of devaluing and discrediting, also known as the smear campaign.

Furthermore, when the narcissist feels threatened by attack, they will themselves attack as a form of defence. Grandiosity gives the overt narcissist the courage to keep ploughing their agenda, even when presented with contradicting evidence; and it might even be said the same of the covert narcissist, although it will appear much more subtly and passive aggressively.

The grandiose trait is one that doesn’t have an awful lot to say about it, other than a person with the pathological trait will believe they are better than others with not evidence to suggest why, and as such will probably avoid people who may indeed be better than them.

Whilst grandiosity doesn’t seem so harmful, in a family system, where others are an extension of the narcissist, if the partner or children do not comply with or fulfil the grandiose need, the narcissist will exclude, attack or smear campaign that person. It means children will be expected to achieve higher than anyone else, and will exist to please their narcissistic parent, and any signs of autonomy of failure will be met with one of those responses described above.

The exposer of this and any trait will likely be met with the narcissistic rage, and ultimately exclusion and isolation.

Next time, I will write about entitlement and exploitation together. 45640751_1946860695362663_6624783326601281536_n.jpg