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Covert Sexual Abuse

TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL ABUSE, RAPE.

So I posted on facebook a little while ago to get an idea of what people understood to be covert sexual abuse.

It didn’t seem as though many knew what I meant by it, but it certainly piqued the interest of some.

So this blog is going to set out to explain that to you. Please make sure you are in a safe space when you read this, as you may not realise that the content relates to you until it’s too late.

Okay.

Here we go.

What is covert sexual abuse?

Well, the best way to first answer that, is to perhaps consider what we thing of as ‘overt’ sexual abuse.

Overt sexual abuse can be described as anything that has an obvious sexual intent. For example molestation, rape (which includes forced oral sex and sodomy) and anything else you might consider as obviously sexual. (As a side bar, rape is typically about power more than sex but that’s another blog).

Therefore, anything that does not have an obvious sexual intention, but nevertheless leaves a victim feeling violated or that ‘ick’ feeling, could be regarded as covert sexual abuse.

It might look like the family member who squeezes just a bit too tight when they hug you, pressing against your breasts. Or they stroke your thigh a little too high up for comfort, but not quite touching your genitals. Perhaps they press their body against yours holding your waist as they ‘squeeze’ past. It might look like a parent not allowing you privacy for a bath or shower, far beyond an appropriate age.

Or not leaving the room when you ask them to so you can change, dismissing your concerns. In some cases it might look like asking to check your development to make sure you’re ‘healthy’, rather than trusting you to come to them if needed.

It might be discussing your body with others without your consent, for example your period starting, your bra size, your sexual experiences, your wet dreams, your masturbation habits.

It’s this kind of exchange:

‘please can you leave, I’m want to change’

‘Don’t worry, I don’t care, I’ve seen it all before, you’ve got nothing to show anyway’

Or maybe overhearing your parent talking to a friend

‘Oh did I tell you I Tom started getting pubic hairs, I wonder when the wet dreams will start?’

It leaves you feeling violated and confused but without really understanding why, and should you be brave enough to complain, you will likely be dismissed, possibly mocked, and devalued.

The impact of covert sexual abuse is one that leads to a detachment from your physical self, because you haven’t been taught your body is ‘yours’. The abuser has taken ownership of your physical being.

As a result, you might struggle to assert, or even know your physical boundaries, allowing others to decide them for you.

For example in relationship you may find it difficult to say no to sex with your partner because you don’t feel as though you have a right to do so. You haven’t been taught to listen to and respect your physical needs.

And worst of all, because this subject is so little understood, you may not know why you have these feelings, and you may not have had them validated by anyone around you. Because this is what we call ‘little t trauma’ and not ‘big T trauma’, it’s harder to pin point. It’s harder to explain and it’s harder to process the feelings with it.

And yet the impact of it will reach far into your life if you don’t recognise and process it, and reset the boundaries you weren’t allowed when you were a child.

If you’ve read this and are feeling a bit shocked and stunned because it relates to you, take a moment.

Sit.

Feel the feelings and reflect.

Write down incidents you can think of that relate to this.

And get into therapy, making sure the therapist really understands the subject. Covert sexual abuse is insidious, nuanced and the impact is far reaching into adulthood. It should not be downplayed or dismissed. It should be taken as seriously as overt sexual abuse, and understood as well as that.

It wasn’t right, It wasn’t fair, and it wasn’t you. It was them.

Thank you for reading, and please take great great care of yourselves.

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Good enough is good enough

Raising kids is really really hard.

There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly, not to mention an attempt to retain some identity other than X’s Mummy.

So here are a few things I want to tell you about attachment theory:

If they cry when you leave, it’s a good thing. If they come to you when you return it’s a great thing.

The best thing we can do for our children is go away and come back. When they are old enough (6months plus perhaps) to understand; we mind map for them, explain what we are doing and why and that we would rather be with them and will be back as soon as we can.

Validate and mirror their emotions, reassure and listen and we build a secure attachment style.

Winnicott said that the good enough mother was good enough, and another statistic shows we only need to get it right 32% of the time to establish a secure attachment in our child.

Good enough means showing your children that mistakes are permissible.

Good enough means setting an achievable bar.

Good enough means allowing opportunity to model apologies and responsibility.

Good enough means empowering children by letting them question authority without fear.

Good enough means modelling acceptance of the fallibility of each and every human being including themselves.

Good enough fosters healthy boundaries and good self awareness, protecting mental health and relationships.

Good enough is good enough and gives everyone a break, especially the parent.

Ultimately what I’m saying is this.

Relax
Reassure
Validate
Mirror
Retreat
Return.

And your babies will be just fine ❤️

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The complementary moral defence.

The Complementary Moral Defence

Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection. That when someone has a problem with the narcissist’s behaviour, it is THEIR problem, not that of the narcissist.

It can be the most frustrating thing about interacting with a narcissist, they never accept responsibility, they devalue, discard, and smear the criticiser, and deflect from the main issue.

As adults that is hard enough to deal with, but what happens when that happens in a parent child relationship?

The child of a narcissistic parent develops something called ‘the complementary moral defence’.

Now hang on in there, this is going to get a bit technical, but I’ll do my best to keep it accessible!!

Daniel Shaw describes it thus:

‘the assertion on the part of the parent…usually implicit, and sometimes explicit, that one owns exclusive rights to “the goodness” …and the child therefore is the locus of any “badness” that arises.

The complementary moral defence is an intrapersonal response from someone in an interpersonal relationship with an abuser. In my instance, I’m applying it to the relationship between the child and the narcissistic parent. This is because, in this situation, it becomes a conditioned response to every relationship where someone disagrees with said child.

What happens is this. When a child is raised by a narcissist, they are not allowed to criticise or reject the narcissistic parent’s personality, behaviour or need. As the narcissist believes they are the whole of all things good, they will refuse and deflect any responsibility around wrongdoing, in whatever format that might take.

When we are children, our parents are meant to represent a secure base from which to explore the world. A place of safety to which we can retreat if scared or unsure about our surroundings and relationships. This is called attachment. The attachment relationship is the most precious and idealised thing for a child. They will go to any and all lengths to maintain it, including accepting responsibility for all that is wrong in a relationship, which is what happens in the narcissistic parent/child relationship.

And that is what the complementary moral defence is. It is where a child will understand that in order to avoid rupturing their attachment with their narcissistic parent, they must hold ALL that is bad or wrong in the interpersonal relationship, and as such internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed and broken.

They then take this belief and translate it to all the relationships they experience moving forward, until they have a huge amount of therapy and understand that it isn’t possible for only one person to be bad, and that relationships are co-created, and that parents are fallible humans, and in fact parents need to recognise and own their own flaws before projecting them onto their child, as a matter of urgency, and children don’t understand the shades of grey around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as adults do.

The complementary moral defence carries with it an omnipotent power over the emotions of others, where the sufferer will believe they have an unrealistic influence over how others think, feel and behave, because they have been told repeatedly sentences that start with the words ‘you make me……’

The adult child with this symptom of narcissistic abuse will struggle to say no to others, to hold others accountable for negative behaviour, and will feel huge guilt when they try and assert their need over someone else’s. They will need reassurance and support above that of someone who hasn’t experienced this, and will also feel guilt and shame for this too.

It’s hideous. The impact of this reaches into all other relationships, and makes the sufferer vulnerable to other abusers, believing them when they say ‘it’s your fault, you made me do it’.

Breaking out of this behaviour requires therapy, and thought challenging techniques. It requires the unpicking of learned messages and behaviours, and painful realisation that the parent wasn’t perfect at all, but possibly more flawed than most.

It’s painful, it’s shocking, but holy moly it’s healing. By unpicking, it allows the establishment of boundaries, and a relief from the omnipotent power and responsibility over others.

Ultimately, it’s worth it.

Any questions?
H

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Strict parent v Boundaried Parent

This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.

Rather than creating a human who is able to know themselves, know their self worth, use their voice, trust those in authority and most importantly turn to their parent in times of difficulty; they create a hyper vigilant person. A person who lives in survival mode terrified of stepping a foot out of line but who has no idea where that line is.

They create someone who internalises and hides their thoughts and feelings, especially when they contradict those of a parent. They create someone who relies on other people to tell them they are ‘good enough’ rather than knowing it within their own core belief system.

They value the beliefs, emotions, needs of others before their own. And that requires a TON of therapy to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong. Boundaries in parenting are vital. But there’s a huge difference between telling a child what their boundaries should be, and allowing them to develop and discover their own.

Helping children develop boundaries starts when they’re tiny. Allowing them to make choices and to say no to their caregiver. Allowing them to say what they need and hearing and considering it before accepting or rejecting it.

That also means modelling good boundaries for them too. Showing them what it is to have and to hold a boundary around self worth/respect/esteem allows them the knowledge that they can do the same too.

By doing so we can teach our children to leave us, and to do so with a knowledge they will be okay in the world.

Equipping children with roots and wings is the most important thing parents can do.

By giving a child autonomy, the courage to leave the comfort of home, and the knowledge of their place being held there is the greatest gift you can give a child.

And we achieve that through minding our own boundaries and teaching them to find theirs too.

❤️

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Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.

I love the words in this image, because we repeat what we know even if that means ending up in abusive situations.

The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.

Narcissistic parents create a world view, and as such will repeatedly tell their children that the childhood they had was amazing. And of course the children believe them.

Whenever someone tells me their childhood was perfect, I’m always wary. My spidey senses flare. And so far they’ve been right.

The problem is that you don’t know any different. You’ve been taught that everything the narcissistic parent has said and done, or the way they treat you or expect you to behave is completely normal. And because a lot of narcissistic abuse doesn’t involve physical abuse in the ‘traditional’ sense, a child doesn’t know the way they are being treated is wrong. We don’t get taught about emotional abuse in schools.

As a child you have no other point of reference, so whilst you might not have liked it very much, and maybe even rebelled against it now and again (or a lot!) you will have been taught that YOU are the problem. Nobody else, just you.

And so children of narcissists come to view themselves as fundamentally flawed and that they are lucky if anyone loves them at all, even if that love is abusive.

It’s called ‘the complementary moral defence’, and means the child of the narcissist has to absorb all the wrong in the relationship so as to maintain the attachment, because if challenged the narcissist will withdraw their ‘love’ as a punishment. To a child that isolation is catastrophic.

That complementary moral defence plays out over and over again in other relationships as the child grows, ultimately establishing itself in the adult love relationship.

It leaves children of narcissists vulnerable to abusive relationships and it’s why it’s SO important to understand all the ways in which you’ve been affected and educate yourself around all the different behaviours.

And that’s where hope lies. Because on the other side of that understanding and education are healthy relationships, self respect, self worth, self LOVE, self esteem, boundaries and so many other positive affects.

Going through and weeding out every unhealthy behaviour attributed to you is the only way to be free of the pattern but oh my goodness it’s worth it.

I watch clients go through this process and blossom into their true selves and it’s magical to see.

Be kind in the process, but process ❤️

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Autism Awareness – Communication 3/3

Okay, so today is all about Autism and communication.

I’m mildly optimistic that this won’t be terribly long, because in parts one and two, I have addressed non verbal cues, social cues, and meltdown behaviour.

In children autism is often indicated by a verbal delay, but from my experience, this isn’t always a strong indicator. I know many autistic children who have hit every milestone or even been way early on them.

What I have experienced, and which is also an indicator, for High Functioning Autism (formerly called Aspergers) is the ‘mini professor’ type of speaking. A vocabulary and turn of phrase usually attributed to adults.

For those further onto the ‘spectrum’ verbal communication may be non-existent (known as non-verbal), or may they may exhibit something called ‘selective mutism’. This means they choose or are unable to communicate verbally in certain situations.

If you are with someone who is non-verbal, or has selective mutism, never for a moment think they aren’t communicating. As a wise speech and language therapist friend said to me, ‘everyone is communicating all the time, whether they are speaking or not.’

It seems so obvious, but certainly my clients will tell you that I often notice to them a look that’s flashed across their face, the jiggle of their leg, their crossed arms, even a smile or a giggle, and ask what is happening in that moment.

Those non-verbal cues clients give me are telling me that there’s something they’re not saying. And often what they’re not saying is really really important.

So when you meet someone who has difficulty communicating verbally, look at the bigger picture and try and notice what they’re not saying. Remember the bit about stimming? Well, if you notice someone using a stim, perhaps they’re feeling anxious and need the environment or conversation to change.

Yesterday I explained that autistic people struggle with social filters and that when we give an instruction, we need to strip away all the unnecessary detail so they can process it better.

This also applies when we ask questions or are in conversation with them. Autists sometimes have difficulty processing information in order to give the necessary response, and neuro typical people often make the mistake of thinking they haven’t understood, so either repeat the question, or pose a different question, unwittingly doubling the task of processing, and overwhelming the autist with too much information to filter through.

To help someone with this, you can just wait. Allow them time to filter and process so they can answer. Get comfortable with the silence, and give them space. It’s such a little thing, but it will reduce the chance of meltdown and overwhelm.

Another co morbid trait is something called Echolalia. This is were someone repeats words from another person or a programme or film, by way of contributing to a conversation. It’s thought to be a coping mechanism and another way of communicating. Specifically to communicate intent to converse/contribute, or just because the repetition of the word or prhase makes the autist feel better, much like a stim.

So there we go. Some traits of autism explained. What’s most interesting for me is that they are presented so differently in each Autist, and just because we know one autist, it doesn’t mean we know them all.

Next week, I’m going to continue this series, looking at how to be a friend to a parent of an autistic child, the differences between girls and boys in autism,

Have a great weekend everyone, see you on Sunday for some self care

 

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Autistic Traits – Social Interaction. Part 2 of 3.

Me again! So yesterday I posted about the behaviours that might be considered autistic traits and how you can help accommodate them and help the autistic person. Today’s blog is about social interaction and how that impacts an autistic person.

As yesterday, please remember that within the diagnosis of autism, every single person is unique and may present in a different way.

As far as I can understand and see, social interaction is one of the biggest issues for autistic people. There’s often a belief that autistic people like to be alone, and don’t care whether they have friends, but that couldn’t be further from the truth for many.

Being able to relate to others is considered one of the most important factors when developing an emotionally healthy and meaningful life, so what happens when you find relating really hard?

Loneliness, confusion, isolation, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, low self-esteem and more.

So by understanding the following traits, you might be able to be a better friend/partner/colleague/parent to an autistic person.

  1. Non-verbal communication.

Neuro typical have this magic way of communicating by looking at each other. They can tell if someone is happy, angry, sad, disappointed, just by the way in which someone’s facial features are arranged.

Autistic people often can’t do that. Which makes life VERY hard, when someone makes a comment, and there is an implied context held within facial features! So when someone says something that seems mean but is actually sarcastic, the autistic person just hears mean. Or a deadpan/dry sense of humour can leave an autistic person feeling bewildered because they take it seriously.

The neuro typical non-verbal communication can be extremely confusing, and leave an autistic person feeling excluded, humiliated and stupid.

To help an autistic person, try avoiding being sarcastic, or being so over the top with the delivery they find it easy to interpret. If you’re in conversation and notice someone struggling to understand context, don’t draw attention to it, but perhaps make a joke ‘oh John, you’re so sarcastic sometimes!’. That way you will have communicated what’s happening to the autistic person without shaming them.

  1. Social Filters

Neuro Typical people have these inbuilt filters that allow them to function in social situations by filtering out the noise and environment, read the non verbal communication, and know when and what to say.

This is something Autistic people can really struggle with. They can be very straightforward, to the point of rudeness, although they won’t understand they’re being rude. (There’s a whole side bar here about empathy and the difference between cognitive and relative empathy, but that’s a different blog!!)

They can also get very overwhelmed by all the noise and lights surrounding them as we saw in the first blog, and so have a hard time focusing on the important parts of the conversation. This overwhelm can and often does lead to meltdown. In fact it’s also another reason autistic people can often struggle with executive function.

It’s long been understood that if you say to an autist ‘go upstairs, to room C, get the papers about the ground work from Sally, take them to Bob so he can read them and sign them off and then come back down and do 50 copies of this paperwork on drainage’ they will be totally overwhelmed, will be unlikely to complete all the tasks, and may get triggered into meltdown.

It would be more helpful to say ‘room C, Papers from Sally, give to Bob. 50 copies of this paperwork’.

See how much unnecessary information I’ve filtered for them? Even better, would be only giving one or two tasks at a time, and even better than that would be to ASK them what they need/can cope with.

When socialising with an autist, try to be as straightforward as possible. If they say something you consider rude, perhaps quietly explain to them what they said and why it was rude.

It is filters that can also prevent autists to be able to feel comfortable in a group situation, and as such means they can be very overwhelmed trying to follow lots of different conversational threads.

If you notice this happening for someone, perhaps suggest a breath of fresh air, or maybe just talk to them for a moment so they don’t have to battle to join in the group.

  1. Rules

Ahhh rules. Well. Rules are here to keep us safe aren’t they, and due to the black and white thinking of the autistic brain, some autists can be VERY rule abiding and find it very difficult when someone around them breaks the rules. In children this can be particularly difficult, because you’re not the most popular person if you tell on others every time they commit a small infraction. In adults the same applies.

It’s difficult to say how to help someone in this instance, perhaps it’s about telling them they don’t need to worry about it because it won’t affect them, maybe it’s showing them that there are shades of grey in some rules, or maybe it’s just saying ‘yes you’re right, but it might make it more difficult for you if you tell someone else’.

Perhaps showing an autist the consequence of their own response helps them start to understand why it’s best to leave things alone.

  1. Social cues.

I’ve already talked about non-verbal communication, but this can go a bit further into social cues. The autist may struggle to know when you are bored of the conversation, meaning they don’t know when to stop talking, they can’t read a room, or know when they shouldn’t say a specific thing.

Being very clear with them, about your own needs, gently, explicitly but not unkindly can help them feel more secure with you and their ability to relate to you.

I’ve waffled on for ages now, so feel I should stop writing, even though I feel like I’ve missed out REAMS of stuff (sorry if you’re reading that and feel I’ve missed something vital, just pop it in the comments below!) but before I do I want to share this. Autistic people often struggle to form and maintain meaningful relationships, particularly friendships. This is thought to be largely due to the way in which they communicate socially, for all the reasons I’ve given above.

For me, that says, just as an autist is starting to feel safe and secure with someone, they trip up socially and are excluded/rejected.

Repeatedly. Every few years.

So if I can ask you anything at the end of this mammoth blog, it would be this. If you are upset or exhausted or struggling with someone socially who is possibly autistic, please talk to them and tell them. Explain clearly what you need to change so they can meet that need without feeling like they are foundering in the dark.

As ever, just, very simply, be kind.

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Autism Awareness – Behaviour

Hello!
So as I said yesterday on facebook, I wanted to run a series of blogs about Autism to raise awareness and understanding. Today’s blog is all about the traits we commonly see in autistic people, and how we can help people who face these challenges living in a world which is dominated by neuro typical thinking.
Autism is a wide condition (I struggle with the label disorder, as I think, especially for those classed as ‘high functioning’, it is largely a different way of operating and experiencing in the world, and on top of that, the word disorder implies it can be cured, which it can’t) and as such, the first thing to note is that everyone who exhibits autistic traits will be unique within their presentation. Not all people who have diabetes have the same problems, and the same can be said for autistic people.
So what are the autistic traits? Well, it might be easier to break the traits down into three sections. Behaviour, Social Interaction and Communication.
Let’s start with Behaviour.
Autistic people may have behaviour that neuro typical people find unusual or confusing. A lot of these behaviours are being used to self soothe, and calm the autistic person, and if you seem someone using them, it would be best to allow that person to continue what they are doing, as they are likely trying to cope with overwhelm, and avoid a meltdown.
As a quick aside, a meltdown is VERY different to a tantrum. Meltdown’s do not end because attention is withdrawn, whereas tantrums tend to. It is VERY dismissive and disrespectful to call a meltdown a tantrum, because the meltdown is there to release huge emotion and overwhelm. If you see someone in meltdown, or a parent/carer coping with someone in meltdown, ask what you can do, if anything at all. Parent’s especially face huge judgement around meltdowns in public places, such as supermarkets, because the assumption is the child is being denied something rather than the noise and lights are too much to bear on top of the other things that have happened that day.
Right. Rant over, on with the blogs!
The behaviours you might see are:
1. Repetitive body movements such as hand flapping, spinning, rocking, or what look like tics. These movements are often referred to as ‘stimming’, which is short for self-stimulatory behaviour. They are used to help calm the individual down. If you’ve ever found yourself jiggling your leg, tapping a pen or other repetitive behaviour, that would be considered stimming too. Sometimes autistic people need to stim in public, and whilst children may be able to do it with out consciousness of others, adults might find themselves doing it subtly so as not to draw attention to it.
If you notice someone stimming, please don’t ask them to stop, perhaps ask them if they need anything, or if something is making them uncomfortable, although that sort of question should be asked discreetly.
2. Typically, autistic people like things to be predictable and stable, and as such will prefer routines to be solid, doing things in a particular and exact order in order to meet that need. If you work with someone autistic, or if you are a friend, parent or carer to an autistic person, you could help them by giving enough warning if the routine is going to change. For example, if you have a meeting at 9.30 every morning, and one morning it will be moved to 10.30, you could give them a few days notice to get used to the idea. It would be best to ask them themselves how much notice they need to get used to change.
3. Another indicator of autism is intense interest in specialist subjects. When an autist finds their subject they will become very very focused (known as hyper focused) on it, and find it very difficult to move away from the subject when they are engaged. If you remember my post yesterday, I shared an image explaining tendril theory. Tendril theory explains what it’s like for an autistic person when you ask them to stop what they are doing without any warning. As I explained above, change is difficult for autistic people, and therefore as much preparation as possible should be given. As a fair warning however, sometimes too much notice can actually have the opposite of the intended affect, and cause an increase in anxiety. It’s a difficult line, but with adult autistic people, please just ask them what their specific need is.
4. Autistic people can experience sensory stimuli very differently. For example, eye contact, noise, pain, smell, textures and touch can be very overwhelming. I know of a child who walked around on a broken leg for 2 weeks before mentioning his leg hurt. That’s because he experienced big pain differently to neuro typical people. That same child also screamed bloody murder when they got a paper cut, for the same reason.
Autistic people find eye contact very challenging, because they are not able to process and filter the verbal communication at the same time as the visual communication. Temple Grandin wrote a brilliant book about the autistic brain, and in it she has a brain scan. The findings (which you can Google or buy the book!) showed that the nerves that process vision were much more enhanced or developed than the control brains. This explains both her brilliant vision, and her difficulty holding eye contact.
Many clothing stores are now bringing out autism friendly clothing, because they recognise that seams, labels, buttons and materials can trigger huge sensory overload, and making sure that autistic people have access to this type of clothing makes living in a neuro typical world a lot easier.
Helping someone with sensory overload means allowing them to retreat if they need to. In schools there is often a safe space created so the child can calm themselves down and I feel like this should be available in all communal spaces. Avoiding hand driers, cleaners, obligatory touching (such as handshakes) are all helpful to avoid sensory overload. In adults, the boundaries are somewhat different, because as in children this is all unique to the individual, but in adults, somehow they are often expected to put their autism aside and meet the needs of neuro typical people.
Given how much distress that causes, it’s not very fair is it?!
I started this blog intending to cover all three aspects, but I’ve written so much about behaviour, and because I don’t want to cut any out, I’m going to separate this into three blogs. So tomorrow, I will explain about social interaction in autism. Whilst I’ve touched on it here, it’s a big subject on it’s own, and as such deserves more space.
As ever, please don’t hesitate to ask questions, and please remember to respect the experience of others <3
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Narcissistic Parentification

So, here I am, the last in the instalments about parentification. Today’s offering is on Narcissistic Parentification. Grab a drink, a snack, and get comfy, because not only could this be long, but I suspect for some of you this might be painful, and I really want to ask you to keep yourselves safe in reading this.

Before you start reading, please make sure that you have some grounding techniques to hand for any anxiety it might trigger, or PTSD responses. This is a very concerned trigger warning.

Okay. Ready? Let’s go.

What is Narcissistic Parentification?

Well, if you’ve read the other blogs about instrumental and emotional parentification, it’s all those together and more. What makes Narcissistic Parentification unique is the ‘projection’ of the parent’s ideals onto the child.

This means the child lives out all the things the narcissistic parent idealises about themselves OR all the things the narcissistic parent loathes about themselves. It’s one huge ego trip, and results in defined family roles, that positions the child in either ‘golden child’, or ‘scapegoat’.

For the golden child, it sounds as though they get an easy ride, and in some ways that might be true, they certainly escape the worst of the abuse. But from where I sit, as a therapist, I sometimes think that as the scapegoats are more likely to escape the narcissistic abuse, in some ways they’re the lucky ones. Because at some point, they’re going to start questioning why it is they are always blamed for everything, or punished more severely, or excluded, or criticised more than their sibling. Because one day, they’re going to wake up and realise that they deserve more than being the vessel of their narcissistic parent’s self hatred, they will fight against the narrative they’ve been given, and they will figure out who they are, not who they’ve been TOLD they are.

My experience shows that the golden child is unlikely ever to do that. I’ve come across it once. Someone who knew they were the golden child, and were able to protect their sibling in adulthood. It stands so freshly in my memory because it is something I have never heard of before, and never come across since. I’m sure I will again, I’m sure it has happened, it’s just excruciatingly rare (in my experience).

As a result, the impact of narcissistic parentification for the golden child is just as big. The golden child will adopt the role of idolizing and defending their parent against all and any criticism (because as the projective object, they’re also defending themselves). They will likely become co dependent, possibly narcissistic themselves, and as a result be unable to self-actualise. This in turn will possibly cause depression and anxiety, unhealthy relationships, and an inability to break away from the image projected onto them by the parent.

The golden child will be moulded to hold everything good about the parent (as the parent sees it in themselves) the parent will likely ignore any wrongdoing or behaviour, and when the golden child offends, hurts, inflicts or does anything wrong towards the scapegoat, it will somehow become the scapegoat’s fault. The golden child will be exonerated from all responsibility and the scapegoat will be made to hold it all. So the golden child may never be able to form any kind of healthy relationship. It may seem like they have the blessed life in many ways, but they will be miserable, unable to sustain relationships, and unlikely to find their way to a place of health because the cost of recognising that they or the parental system are the problem is too high.

That’s why I feel sad for the golden child. And that’s why I think the scapegoat is the most likely to win in the horror that is a narcissistic family system.

So what about the scapegoat?

The scapegoat may also develop significant mental health issues, as a result of a crippling insecure attachment due to the barrage of abuse and criticism, the scapegoat may attempt to hold themselves to a level of perfection in order to gain any scraps of love or affection, but they will never be good enough. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships before therapeutic intervention, and may repeat the relational pattern of abuse. They are more likely to get involved with a narcissistic partner due to the relational pattern. They will likely be isolated and excluded if and when they start to fight back against the negative projection from family.

The scapegoat is the escape artist. The scapegoat has most chance of breaking the cycle.

So what else happens in narcissistic parentification?

Well, the narcissistic parent will rely on triangulation to divide and conquer their children (where there is more than one child). They will use Idealisation and Devaluing behaviours to do this. They will give with one hand and take away with another. The idealisation behaviours may extend as far as comparing one child to the other e.g. ‘why can’t you be clever/funny/pretty/lovely etc. like your sibling?’. They will use shame, blame, criticism and fear as a way to control both golden children and scapegoats. They will gaslight everyone around them especially the children. ‘I didn’t mean it like that’, ‘you’re being oversensitive’, ‘that’s not what happened’, ‘it’s your own fault because you did xyz’.

Basically, in a narcissistic family system, no one escapes unscathed. It is too easy to resent the golden child for the elevated position they inhabit, but their elevation is also their isolation. They know somewhere in their psyche that their position comes at a cost, that they must toe the line so as to remain in favour. The risk of the attachment rupture is too great to step away from their role.

The scapegoat faces such hideous emotional abuse; they are at real risk of developing significant attachment disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder. Should they attempt to break free from the abuse they are subjected to smear campaigns, and even in their absence will hold the position as the vessel that carries all the family dysfunction.

They can enforce boundaries, heal, build new healthy relationships, but they will never have what they need; a healthy parent.

The impact of narcissistic parentification is so high that it’s impossible for me to capture it all in one blog. But if I can ask you to remember something, it would be this:

Whatever happens in the narcissistic family, no one escapes the horror. Not even the golden child.IMG_3119.JPG

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Instrumental Parentification

One of the things that I hear repeatedly in therapy is the parentification of children from a young age, particularly children of narcissists. It’s something that parents need to be very careful not to do to children, so as to avoid the impact of that behaviour, which I’ll explain later.

So, I guess the first thing is to establish what it is.

There are three types of parentification. The first is Instrumental Parentification, the second is Emotional Parentification, and the third is Narcissistic Parentification.

Because this topic is big, I’m going to break it into individual blogs for each one, so I can do them each justice.

I’ll start with Instrumental Parentification (I suspect most of you want to know about Narcissistic Parentification, so sorry if I’m disappointing in the first two instances!)

This is when, a parent burdens a child with too many of the household chores and responsibilities. A child who is asked to look after a sick relative, or other children in the house, who is made to cook or clean more than is appropriate for their age. A child whose natural social development is inhibited by the responsibilities at home.

One example of that inhibition might be where a teenager is repeatedly required to stay home to look after younger children instead of joining their friends to go to the shops or for sleepovers etc. Once a month or every couple of months yes, but every weekend? No. It’s not appropriate for a child to raise children they didn’t have themselves.

So, finding the line between appropriate and inappropriate might be hard, but ultimately, it comes down to asking a child to do something that is beyond the scope of their years, and takes too much of their personal time.

For example, a 10 year old can unload the dishwasher and feed the dog every day, but they can’t hoover and mop the floors every day too. They can put the bins out for the rubbish lorry with some assistance, but they aren’t responsible for emptying all the bins and carrying all the bags outside. They can sit with their younger sibling for 10 minutes, but they can’t be left with them for hours without adult support and supervision. They aren’t responsible for cooking every day, or bathing smaller children.

Good parenting means teaching your child life skills such as cooking, cleaning and laundry, but it isn’t about making them wholly responsible for those chores, and punishing them when they get it wrong or if they aren’t ‘up to standard’.

Part of family life is pitching in, but finding the balance between teaching and holding responsible for is vital.

The impact of Instrumental Parentification is one where the child grows into an adult who feels they are responsible for much more than they are. Have difficulty asking for help, could have problems with perfectionism, anxiety, control. They may struggle with boundaries and being able to say ‘no’, even when completely overwhelmed and unable to complete the tasks they already have. They may be the complete opposite of that too!

They may feel their only contribution is to help others and not be able to accept help from others at all. They will seem strong and independent.

Please don’t misunderstand this. Children need to help around the house and learn what it takes to look after themselves, but they also need to be a kid and learn about balance and fun and joy in being young.

To help guide on what’s appropriate for the varying ages for household chores I have attached an image to explain. I cannot emphasise enough that, just because they are capable, it does not become their exclusive responsibility, merely something they do to help their parent.

As ever, please feel free to ask any questions.

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Toxic Masculinity

Okay, I’m going to try and venture into this topic. It’s contentious. I truly believe it’s a thing, and I also believe that it’s as damaging to men as it is women.

What is toxic masculinity?

You all gave such interesting answers; answers that gave me food for thought, and also helped me understand how women connect with the concept. Some responses were (rightly) angry. They referred to the privilege that comes with being born male. They referred to the sense of entitlement that seems to be taught to boys from a young age. They referred to misogyny, chauvinism; boys will be boys, oppression of women.

All of those are right in my humble opinion.

Here’s what it means to me.

Toxic masculinity is where a boy is taught to protect and defend his ego against every dent or damage above all else. Toxic masculinity is where a boy (who later becomes a man) is taught that to display emotion is weakness, need is weakness, a desire to be loved is weakness, to be rejected is weakness, to be less than a woman in any way is weakness.

Toxic masculinity is the societal belief that men are the superior gender, and that by the power of penis they somehow deserve more, command more respect, and are entitled to more for less effort.

So what happens when toxic masculinity plays out?

Well, in extreme circumstances it facilitates psychopathy, murder and rape. How many male serial killers have you heard about exacting their revenge on one individual by murdering other similar looking individuals (usually but not always women). How many women suffer as a result of toxic masculinity due to domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse?

And how many men suffer domestic, emotional and financial abuse because they’ve been taught that to be abused means they’re weak. To be in distress is weak, to have an EMOTION is weak.

Toxic masculinity comes in phrases such as ‘man up’, ‘be a man’, ‘don’t be such a girl’, ‘boys will be boys’, ‘ ‘boys don’t cry’, and so forth. Any phrase that shuts down a man’s right and ability to connect with his emotional response can be considered such a phrase.

Toxic masculinity no doubt has a hideous manifestation for women, but something that often gets lost in conversation is the impact it has on men.

The gender construct that means to be a ‘man’ demands that men shut off all emotional responses apart from anger. You may remember the blog I did a while ago about anger, (it’s here if not!) I stated that anger is ALWAYS a mask for pain. When someone shows me anger, I know they are hurting. They will often deny that, but usually come back to me a few weeks later saying they realised that it was rejection, disappointment, fear, loss or any other number of feelings.

So men can only express anger and have that emotion accepted. Now. I have spoken before about how a healthy sense of self is developed in childhood when the parent accepts and mirrors the emotional responses in their child. That way the child knows and accepts their own emotions. So when society teaches us that boys aren’t allowed to cry, be sad, hurt, dejected or any other emotion, so they get angry. (And then get punished for that, but not typically told they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be it)

The highest suicide rate in the UK in 2017 was for men aged 45-49 (Source) men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women. Three times.

So toxic masculinity incites entitlement, the absolute belief that they as male are totally within their rights to help themselves to whatever they want, be it career, women, presidencies 😉 or other, but it also oppresses men too.

I have seen many conversations on social media where a teenage boy has been raped by his female teacher, and largely men are suggesting he would have enjoyed it, that they would have loved a teacher like that har har.

So let’s flip the roles. If it was a teenage girl and her older male teacher we would be horrified. Why is it alright for a boy to be raped and not a girl? Toxic masculinity. The idea that men are only motivated by sex, that they all want to be getting it as much as they possibly can from the age of about 12 is toxic masculinity and it’s not right.

So, the big question. How do we fight it? If you are a parent of boys, teach them that all their feelings are valid. Teach them that they’re urges are natural; teach them they can be abused and that they can be sad. Teach them to be accountable, to take responsibility for their behaviour. Teach them that women are wonderful and equal to them. Teach them to judge on merit not gender. Teach them they are emotional beings who are allowed to exist outside of a social construct created to determine their gender.

 

Teach them they’re human.

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