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Divorce isn’t failure. It’s success.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Not for me, but for a couple of people nearby.

The word I hear so often when it comes to the end of a relationship is ‘failure’.

What?!?

The WHOLE relationship was a failure?

I can’t believe that, because you would never have married them or stayed with them this long.

A relationship hasn’t failed because it’s ended. It’s just ended. We can be so quick to mark something failed because it’s ended. Even businesses or being fired from a job. We forget to look at all the good things that happened up until that point. We forget that there’s two people (typically) in a relationship and BOTH are responsible for making it work.

Any kind of relationship, whether romantic or otherwise does not depend solely on one person to invest in, aside from the first few years of parenting I suppose.

The end of something does not deem it a failure. Where you have chosen to leave a marriage or relationship because you are no longer happy, loved, cherished and having needs met, you haven’t failed.

In my opinion you’ve succeeded.

You’ve stood up and demanded more for yourself. You’ve recognised your self worth, your value and your needs.

You have empowered yourself to lift your head from the sand and look at what’s wrong and if it’s salvageable and you have faced the brutal reality that it isn’t. You are looking change square in the eye, something every single person I’ve met dislikes to one degree or another, (it’s to do with evolution but that’s another post!) and asked it to enter your life.

You’ve stepped out of a comfort zone and into a wilderness of break up, with all the financial insecurity, change in living situation that brings.

You’ve relinquished an uncomfortable comfort and acknowledged that rubbing along or moments of good isn’t enough, and that being single is better than being partnered.

If that doesn’t make you the one of the bravest badasses in the world I don’t know what will.

And you may be reading this blog thinking I didn’t choose it, they did. This doesn’t apply to me. I’m the one rejected. I don’t want to step out of the comfort zone, it was forced upon me and I don’t know what I did wrong etc.

Let me tell you this. If that’s you, if you are nursing rejecting and wounding, if you have been blindsided by a break up; you are the biggest badass that existed. Because you have been forced into a period of hurt and healing, but more importantly reflection. Looking at the relationship for clues of the intention. Was everything as rosy as you thought or were there signs?

And you’re going to face those questions, and they’re going to hurt potentially, but you know what? You’re going to rise up knowing you deserve more. You deserve value and you deserve to be cherished too.

We all do.

Of course this isn’t a black and white subject, but with all relationship breakdowns, we have to look at our own behaviour and be honest with ourselves. What can we learn from it? What can we take forward into a new relationship and what can we leave behind? Do we need to go to therapy to understand our relational patterns so we don’t repeat a cycle? What change must we implement?

For me, the end of your relationship isn’t a failure. It has the potential to be the greatest success you’ve ever known.

Take care

H x

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Addiction….not a dirty word

I’ve been wondering what to write about lately. Lots of my blogs are informed by client work or observations I’ve made, or even conversations with friends. This one isn’t so much, but it is something personal to me that feels important to share.

When I decided I wanted to become a therapist, I started out expecting to work within addiction, but as life does, I’ve moved away from that as a particular focus, although I obviously face it in the therapy space fairly regularly, and I welcome it. Here’s why:

Addiction is something that sparks great controversy. Whenever the subject arises, I brace myself for comments that are derogatory, unkind, judgemental, and dismissive. And sadly, I’m usually right to do so.

Addiction is something this country seems to be plagued by. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, work, fitness, food, whatever, if there’s a dopamine response, you can bet someone who is struggling with emotion will use the activity to supress their emotion.

And that’s what addiction is. It’s avoidance. It would really be better to call it that rather than addiction, so that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

When someone is in avoidance, whatever their substance or behaviour, they can be VERY challenging to be around. It is absolutely your right to put in strict boundaries that meant you aren’t taken advantage of, but it doesn’t mean you have to let go of compassion all together.

If you are in avoidance, it is hard to see, because those behaviours are keeping you SO safe. They help you function day to day, or at least you think they do, and it’s impossible to break out of the behaviour, because you to do so is to face the thing you are avoiding, and that is not only hideously painful, but also incredibly scary.

When in avoidance, everything becomes about maintaining that position. Everything. In avoidance, you heartily swerve anything that may make you look in the mirror to see your pain. In avoidance, you may hurt those around you to maintain that state. Unfortunately, that capitalises on your avoidance, because now you have to avoid the pain and guilt of hurting those you love.

When someone is in avoidance, rather than judging, or directing, or insisting they stop avoiding, perhaps it is more helpful to say you are there when they are ready to face what they are avoiding. Perhaps it is more helpful to ask them how their behaviour is helping them, and to listen to the response with compassion. Perhaps it is about saying ‘I won’t help you avoid, but I will help you heal’.

People in avoidance don’t need to be isolated further, they need to be embraced and sheltered from the storm inside their own bodies. People in avoidance are in pain and their pain needs to be held until they can look at it without wincing. (Please be clear, I am not asking you to suffer for someone else’s pain, you MUST keep yourself safe before anything else.)

I have never met someone in avoidance who hasn’t experienced a horrific trauma, or abuse, or particularly painful bereavement. I haven’t met someone in avoidance who has experienced emotional stability and been given emotional resilience in childhood. Every single person I have met (and there have been a fair few) who is in avoidance does not have the emotional tool kit to deal with the horrors they have experienced.

So please, when you see someone is destroying themselves and those around them with their avoidance, acknowledge their pain, keep yourself safe, don’t enable, but do try and offer them compassion.

Avoidance doesn’t discriminate, nobody is immune.

If you’ve been affected by avoidance, please get in touch with the wonderful Drugfam You can do so by clicking on their page.

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Why can’t they see the poison?

It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.

Especially in narcissistic families, when the scapegoat realises the parent is abusive it can be isolating and frustrating that others in the same family can’t or won’t acknowledge how unhealthy the behaviour is.

The same applies when someone is in an abusive relationship, and they keep accepting obvious and transparent lies, or emotional or physical abuse, without disengaging from the relationship.

It’s because the unknown, or rather the thought of the unknown is MUCH more terrifying than the current reality, however toxic and abusive it might be.

Adult children on narcissistic parents often ask ‘why can’t my sibling see it? Why do they think it’s okay?’

It’s such a heartfelt question and has so much pain attached to it that it can be overwhelming for the client. Naturally it touches me too.

Here’s the thing. We repeat patterns we know because they’re comfortable. Change is something everyone struggles with, and drastic dramatic change, such as leaving a partner or refusing to be abused in a toxic family system, is terrifying.

How can you help? Don’t judge, allow their process, occasionally notice behaviours you don’t agree with, but refer to self rather than them. When we try and prise someone’s eyes open, they merely shut them more tightly, most likely blocking us out too.

Hold that person in their space, and move at their speed. And when they finally open their eyes, you can be there to help them understand the new way of seeing.

 

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Suicide Part 2.

Suicide, part two.

When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore. I was describing what I can only describe as honest suicide.

As I wrote it, I knew I was missing a big piece of the story around suicide out, and it made me uncomfortable because it is big, it is vital to talk about it and I knew it was wrong not to bring it up. So here I am.

Very very often, emotional abusers will use suicide as a tactic to manipulate and control. They will threaten it, even attempt it to coerce and convince someone not to leave, because an empathic person will do anything to avoid the feeling of responsibility bestowed on them by the abuser.

Narcissists are well known for suicide attempts. In narcissists, suicide rates are higher than in general population. It’s thought that this is because eventually a narcissist will be ‘found out’, and the level of shame that this exposes them to provokes suicide.

It could however be argued that suicidal ideation is the best defence mechanism in the world for a narcissist/abuser. Because what person would criticise someone recovering from a suicide attempt? When attention is taken from a narcissist they will go to extreme lengths to pull the attention back on to them, including threatening or attempting suicide.

The point of this post is this. Whatever reason someone has for killing themselves, ultimately, that is THEIR choice. It’s the ultimate choice really, and their right to execute it with free will. I know there are legal situations where people have been pushed and provoked into suicide, so I exclude those.

We all have a responsibility for the choices we make, and choosing suicide lies entirely with that person.

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Suicide Part One.

I want to talk about suicide. It seems so current that I really feel like I need to voice some thoughts about it. I also suspect I’m saying something controversial that may not be well received. But I know those who are suicidal will relate to this, and I hope they will be grateful to be recognised, so this is for them.

There’s a comment I’ve heard SO many times around suicide that I find so deeply misguided and misunderstanding of what it means to suicidal that it feels important to correct it.

‘Suicide is SO selfish’.

No. Just no.

Suicide is not selfish; in the mind of the victim it is selfLESS.

People with suicidal thoughts and feelings often feel like they are a burden on everyone around them. Not just bothering people, but a millstone around the neck of every single person they’re in contact with, and an obelisk for those who love them.

When someone famous (or not) dies by suicide, we often hear how those around them had no idea how low they were. Sure, they had been fighting depression, but she/he had seemed so positive recently. How they were happy and smiling merely hours before. That they never complained and no one would ever have known they were suicidal.

That’s possibly because they didn’t want to increase the burden they perceived themselves to be. Or sometimes when the decision is made to complete suicide the person finds relief and is relieved of their own burden and so is at peace knowing their own suffering and the perceived suffering of others around them will be over soon.

It is never ever a selfless act. It is never done because you weren’t good enough. It is more likely they thought you were TOO good for them. Too good to be imposed upon by them in any way shape or form.

You and I both know they’re wrong, but for them it’s an absolute truth. Suicide is not selfish. It hurts those around them. It causes untold damage on those who love them, but my experience shows me that it is an act of horribly misguided kindness on those they wish to free from the burden of their own pain.

I’m not advocating suicide. Merely suggesting that we have to stop and look at the people around us. There are constant messages that someone who is suicidal should reach out and ask for help. How can they possibly? How can someone who feels like a huge 50 ton weight on people ask to add more weight?

We have to look up and really see those around us. Check in with people. Ask ‘how are you feeling?’ Because when you ask ‘are you ok?’ There’s an unintended agenda for the response to be yes. Leave space for someone to share their true thoughts.

You may have notice I have not said ‘commit suicide’. That’s intentional. Suicide is no longer a crime and for families where suicide exists there’s a stigma attached to the word ‘commit’, so therapeutic parlance excludes that word. We now either say ‘killed themselves’, ‘completed suicide’, or ‘died by suicide’. It both removes the dismissiveness and criminal element attached to suicidal actions.

All this being said. If you’re feeling suicidal here are some contact details for various areas. Please feel free to message me and I will do what I can to find you help nearby. You will NOT be a burden on me. Suicide is often very present in my therapy room. And I welcome it in and sit with it comfortably. You are not alone. Please share this post. Without being overly dramatic; it may save a life.

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 010 195 202

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000

Hungary: 116123

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

USA: 18002738255

#suicide #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #itsokaynottobeokay #therapy #counselling

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Telling the truth….

The most frustrating thing for children of narcissists is represented in this image.

Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.

One of the questions on the AMA was ‘how can a family look so perfect from the outside, but be so toxic inside?’.

The truth of the toxicity is most fragile in those first few moments when the light begins to dawn on the hideous landscape you’ve been living in. There is a huge amount of self doubt, questioning, denial, minimalising and fear. The sense that things aren’t right but the fear of what it will mean to acknowledge that. The instinct is to hide. Pretend it isn’t real, and squash the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface. The cost of acceptance is so high it’s unfathomable. The potential loss of family, the scope of relearning, the inevitable pain and anger around this new fragile knowledge starts to take hold.

Imagine being in that position and trying to make sense of it. Imagine not knowing what’s real and what isn’t, whether your motivations, desires, pleasures are yours or theirs, how much you’ve missed out on because of their conditioning, rules, control. And then trying to tell someone.

Someone who responds ‘ah but your mum/dad are lovely’. Or ‘yeah but all parents are difficult’, or ‘well, it’s not that bad, they didn’t beat you or anything’.

Can you imagine? The dismissal? The dismissal of your emotion, much like has been done to you historically by your parent? The reinforced message of ‘don’t question us, we are your parents?’ The confirmation that once again you’re overreacting, over emotional, over sensitive.

That’s why it’s so hard to convince people. It’s not tangible. It’s constant messages of not being good enough, not meeting impossible expectations, not being helped, supported, loved unconditionally. The narcissist plays the perfect parent in public, only to make the child pay behind closed doors.

Convincing someone might need lists, of behaviours, of incidents, of conditioning, of criteria the parent meets. You may need to arm yourself, but you may find that someone is so well defended they can’t hear, because they are not ready to breathe yet. That’s on them. Not you.

It is not your job to convince someone of your truth. It is your job to know it.

If someone tells you their parent was difficult, simply respond with ‘I’m sorry, would you like to tell me more?’

Give space to people to find their feet in the new world, free from the fear of judgement or question.

You’ll be giving them a massive gift ❤️

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I don’t have a choice…. Or do I?

‘I have to go to a family event this weekend. I would rather stay at home, but I don’t have a choice.’

How often have you heard someone say something like that? How often have you yourself actually said it?

When we think like that, what we’re really saying is ‘I don’t want to confront a situation where I will feel guilty for meeting my own need’.

You see, there is ALWAYS choice.

In his amazing book ‘Mans Search for Meaning’,  Viktor Fankl writes about his harrowing experience of being in Nazi Germany, Auschwitz, and other concentration camps.

He says this:

‘Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.’

Even as people went to their known deaths, he observed a choice in the way they met that.

We always have choice. When we deny our choice, we disempower ourselves, and deny our need and authenticity. Sometimes we don’t want to make the difficult choice, because we perceive the cost of it to be high, and in order to avoid that truth, we deny there is choice in it.

Ultimately though, we are the ones that pay the price, whether emotional, physical or financial, it is us who suffers when we don’t meet our needs.

Being honest about the choices we have and making peace with the ones we take allows us to live a more genuine life, one that empowers us, and allows us to set boundaries. It prevents anxiety, overwhelm, exhaustion from meeting everyone else’s needs above our own.

A while ago I wrote about how ‘No’ is a full sentence. How we do not have to justify the choices we make. If you say no to someone and they are cross about it, or they change the way they view you, that is their issue, not yours.

Emotionally healthy, boundaried people will not need you to explain why your need is more important than theirs. They will accept your answer without question, and allow you to put yourself first as and when you need to. They will not attempt to guilt you, bribe you, coerce you or manipulate you into meeting their needs, and they will not hold it against you.

Sometimes making choices is hard, but perhaps it is easier to ask yourself

  1. Why do I HAVE to do this?
  2. What is the cost to me?
  3. What is it about this relationship that demands I ignore my own needs?
  4. Is that okay with me?

Often when we are little we haven’t really been given the chance to exert our will or choose for ourselves, so it’s not something that comes naturally. Over time however with practice, you will find it gets easier.

The next time someone asks you to do something and you feel a little tug of disappointment, dread or fear, pause and reflect briefly. If you need more time to decide, ask for it. Because as Frankl also says:

‘Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.’

Go out and grow! Take care,

Helen

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Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1940’s stage play and later film, Gas Light. In the story, the husband convinces his wife, and those around them, that she is insane by changing things in their environment and convincing her that she is mistaken or has misremembered things. One of the things is convincing her that she is wrong when she notices to him that the gaslights in their apartment have been dimming. In reality he is in the flat above looking for jewellery of a woman that he murdered, and his use of the lights up there causes the lights in their flat to dim.

Gaslighting therefore, is a term to describe an abuser’s attempt to control and undermine someone’s perception of reality. It would be classed as emotional abuse.

What gaslighting does then, is to lead victims to second-guess themselves, not trusting their instinct or the facts they KNOW they know.

Gaslighting occurs in all kinds of relationships, I think the most prominent and obvious ones are marital or romantic partnerships, parent and child, and bully and victim. It’s even been used to describe certain politicians who deny facts or their own words when presented with them, and even statements they’ve clearly made via social media or in interview.

An example of gaslighting might be a child remembering an event which doesn’t show the parent in a favourable light. If the parent has pathological narcissistic tendencies, they may outright deny the event, blaming a child’s youth as a reason for misremembering, or even suggest the child is fabricating the entire story for attention.

Another might be a cheating partner caught out by texts, and instead of owning his or her behaviour will turn it back on the other partner, and suggest they are overreacting and oversensitive, or even imagining the whole thing.

Signs within us that we are being gaslighted are:

1. The inability to make decisions

2. Second-guessing what we know to be true about events both past and present.

3. Feeling confused and at the edge of reality.

4. Apologizing for things that we have no need to apologise for.

5. Feeling misunderstood.

6. Referring to the abuser for clarification/understanding/validation of your emotional response.

7. Feeling afraid to express your emotions for fear they will be dismissed/mocked/used against you.

Tactics a Gaslighter might use:

1. Minimising – suggesting you are over sensitive, over reacting, and taking things too seriously.

2. Denial – Acting like things either didn’t happen, or you must have imagined it.

3. Avoidance – By refusing to discuss the subject, moving conversation away from the things you’ve raised until you’re talking about the supermarket shop and not the fact s/he’s cheated on you.

4. Confidence – By brazening out and acting so sure of their truth and opinion that it makes you question yours.

5. Discrediting – Suggesting to others you’re over emotional, irrational, crazy, paranoid, psychotic.

6. Twisting – Again, suggesting you’re over reacting ‘I barely touched you’ when in fact you’re in hospital from the beating. Or that you’ve remembered things wrong; and you’re wrong not them.

So how do we fight back against gas lighting? It seems so flippant and dismissive to say ‘trust what you know’, but that’s what there is. Look for evidence, how do you know you’re right? How do you know you’re wrong even?

Pay attention. Look to see who is making you feel confused etc. It’s so subtle that you may have to look hard for the evidence. You’ll possibly have noticed it well the first couple of times, but have stopped questioning it as it’s worn you down. Talk to someone you trust. Try and disassociate from the gaslighter.

As ever, trust your instinct. If something feels off, it probably is.

Any questions?

(Picture copyright of Liberation Therapy)

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Trauma Bonding

Have you ever wondered why you, or your loved one can’t leave the person who hurts them? Whether physical or emotional, it can be impossible to understand why someone won’t leave, and sometimes we can feel judgemental of that, which is understandable, even if it makes us feel bad for feeling that way.

We’ve all most likely heard of the term bonding. When done healthily, it allows us to love our children, parents, partners and friends with abandon, to trust our feelings and theirs, as well as our relationships. When there is a cycle of abuse, something called ‘Trauma Bonding’ can occur.

Trauma bonding is created when an abuser uses love, fear, sex, and excitement to essentially weave a toxic web around a person. Sadly, if you have grown up in an abusive family you’re more likely to find yourself trauma bonded to an abusive partner.

The intensity of abusive relationships is incredibly overwhelming. The belief that no one else either understands you, or your partner, or the relationship between you is intoxicating. The idea that you belong to something that others just can’t or won’t experience sets you apart and allows your brain to justify the abuse, because the good times are SO good that you get hooked on them, and are willing to tolerate the bad times for those good times.

So how do we escape trauma bonding? It’s the 64 million dollar question I’m afraid, but it is possible.

The first thing to do is to try and gain an outside perspective.

1. Write the story of your relationship in the third person, from the very beginning to the very end. Be totally honest about all the good, and all the bad. Include as much detail as possible. If you’re in therapy, share the story with your therapist, but if not, with a friend. It can help to think ‘what would I tell my friend if she/he told me this?’

2. Now write a story about the partner you would like. How would they make you feel? How would they treat you? What do I bring to a relationship? What do I do well, and what do I not do well? Is my current partner living up to those hopes? Do I want things to stay the same or change?

3. Being very honest with yourself, write down the pros and cons of the current situation.

4. And then write down the pros and cons of leaving your current situation.

5. Ask yourself, how will I feel in a year if nothing has changed?

6. Look at your attempts to change your partner. Have you tried to? Have you had to explain to them how their behaviour affects you? Has it had any impact? The only person we can control is ourselves, and recognising that we have no influence on someone’s ability to change is half the problem solved.

7. Own your part in it. No one has any right to abuse another, in any way shape or form. However, we have to acknowledge what we do to contribute to, or rather, allow the behaviours towards us. This statement may feel very victim shaming, although it is in no way intended to be. This is about separating our behaviour from theirs, and owning ours so we can facilitate change. Why didn’t we walk away the first time they hit us? Why did we tolerate verbal abuse? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no? Understanding that can be a huge part of recovery, and prevention from getting into another abusive relationship.

8. Acknowledge your feelings. Often when we have experienced emotional/physical abuse whether from childhood or adulthood, we become very adept and practiced at avoiding or supressing our feelings. We squash them down so they become so buried we don’t even know what they are anymore. Often, they will manifest in other ways, through self sabotaging behaviours, or more than likely, anxiety and depression. Try writing them down, even if you can’t put a name to them, say how they make your body feel, and describe them in terms of colour, shape and texture. I will regularly ask clients to draw their feelings in an attempt to help them connect to them. Another thing that is really helpful is the word wheel which I have attached to the blog. Using that to understand our feelings can be very powerful and releasing.

9. Self care. Be kind to yourself. You are trying to undo something intangible and insidious, and it takes a lot of time. Find things that bring you joy, and allow yourself the time to indulge them.

10. Finally, finding a really good therapist with knowledge and understanding of trauma bonding is vital to recovery. A neutral person with no agenda in your relationship will help you understand yourself and help you establish strong resilient boundaries.

Please take great care of yourselves, and feel free to message or leave a comment if this has resonated with you.

Thank you

Helen