Tag: gaslighting

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Frog in boiling water – why we stay in abusive relationships so long.

Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I see it until now? How could I have done this to myself and my children?

These are the questions I hear from abuse survivors ALL. THE. TIME.

They blame themselves for being abused. They take responsibility for the behaviour of their abuser. They carry soul crushing guilt for exposing their children to their abuser, as if somehow they could control it.

So here’s the answer to that question. The frog in the boiling water story.

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump straight out. It will escape immediately.

If you put a frog into cold water and turn the gas on, even as the water warms, boils and burns him, he doesn’t attempt to leave. He doesn’t notice that he’s literally being killed yet has the ability to escape at any time.

And that’s what it’s like in an abusive relationship. If you went on a first date, and the person you were with punched you, (whether provoked or not), it’s highly likely you wouldn’t ever see them again. You may even call the police. You would more than likely tell your friends and loved ones what they had done. But you wouldn’t for a second think it was your fault. Or at least, I hope you wouldn’t.

So now lets think about two years of relationship. Two years of being drip fed comments about how lucky you are they love you because no one else would ever put up with you. Two years of shared experiences. Two years of being trauma bonded through love bombing and withdrawal. Two years of being told you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, and two years of being chipped away at, niggled, nagged, belittled, put on a pedestal, taken off it, worshipped, raged against. Two years of a war waged against your self-esteem and autonomy.

And then they punch you.

And then they blame you.

And then they promise you they won’t ever do it again.

And somehow they become the victim for hitting you.

And you don’t know who to tell. You don’t know how to leave. You think it’s your fault. You think you deserve it.

And maybe they don’t do something as tangible as hit you. They ‘just’ dominate, control, threaten to leave, worship, idolise, shower with affection, scream at, buy presents for, put you down, pull you up.

They emotionally abuse you to the point you don’t even know if you like your steak done rare or well, you don’t even know if you LIKE steak! Weren’t you a vegetarian before you met them?

Your autonomy is lost. Your sense of self is gone. Your confidence in tatters. You don’t know how to exist without the push pull of the relationship, because you’re the frog in the water that’s been heating for the last two years.

That’s why we stay in abusive relationships. That’s why we don’t question that which surrounds us. That’s why people looking in from the outside are so horrified and perhaps so judgemental. Because if they walked into the relationship where you are right now, they would jump straight out.

Those who have lived it for the two years can’t see it. It isn’t until something finally breaks through the fog, that we can see the light. And even then we are still at risk. Because the trauma bond provokes the same chemical reactions in our brain as heroin addiction. And we all know how devastating that is. The pain of clearing the fog is more unbearable than the fog itself, and so we allow it to envelop us again.

So next time you are beating yourself up for someone else’s abuse of you/behaviour, remember that poor frog not noticing his water boiling around him. We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. Our responsibility only lies in helping ourselves understand why we ignored the behaviours that trapped us. And that takes a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and a lot of pain.

With that in mind, when you next share the hashtag #bekind, remember this:

That #bekind movement really needs to start with yourself.

Take care, stay safe, and if possible, stay home.
Helen x

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.

There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.

Society is shifting towards an understanding and awareness of mental health issues and conditions. There’s a growing acceptance that people struggle emotionally in all kinds of ways and as such we should still our judgement and increase our compassion and tolerance.

And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It’s amazing. It warms my heart and I’m so grateful that we are starting to normalise it.

But there’s a but.

What can get mixed up in that is that toxic behaviour can be assigned to mental illness. And it’s just not true. Lots of people have depression or anxiety, and aren’t toxic. However in narcissism, it is toxic behaviour that characterises the condition.

Here’s the thing. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know how to ‘play’ you. They know how to create the trauma bond. They know what their manipulative behaviours do to you.

They cannot be excused their abusive behaviours on the ground of their mental illness because they KNOW. (I have research to back this up if anyone wants the article name)

When we know we are using an unhealthy behaviour, even if it’s something that we’ve been using to survive emotionally, we have a responsibility to correct that behaviour.

Back in the day I did a law degree. In criminal law, the defence of innocent by reason of insanity is only upheld when a person is unaware that what they’ve done is wrong. So for example, when someone murders someone else and hides the body, the act of hiding the body indicates they knew what they had done is wrong.

If they know what they’re doing they’re responsible.

Narcissism is borne from extreme abuse, neglect or smothering, where a child has to develop the idea that they are okay in the world for themselves because their parent doesn’t mirror that for them. To survive they develop narcissism. That isn’t their fault. But it is their responsibility.

What I’m trying to say is that you can hold people accountable for toxic manipulative abusive behaviour, even if they have a mental health issue.

Because the first time they do it might be about survival, but if they don’t take responsibility and they don’t change the behaviour, it’s toxic. End of.

You do not have to tolerate abuse because there is a mental illness. ❤️

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DNA doesn’t equal a right to abuse.

You do not have to tolerate abuse or toxicity from anyone. ESPECIALLY those you share DNA with.

In fact. I would offer that rather than being more ready to ‘forgive’ someone from your blood family, perhaps they should have to work harder to earn your presence and trust.

Because it is within the bonds of blood where we are supposed to feel safest, most loved, most accepted, most wanted, and most needed. And when someone betrays that bond, it is a much deeper betrayal than that from someone whom you aren’t related to. After all. Those we love the most hurt us the most.

To be loved is a huge power and privilege, and therefore should be revered and respected. To not do so demonstrates the character of a person.

So put your boundaries in. Keep yourself safe. Don’t accept anything that doesn’t make you feel valued and accepted.

DNA doesn’t give someone the right to abuse you.

Blood doesn’t offer a gateway to toxicity.

And Boundaries are enforceable against everyone.

Whatever their position in your life ❤️

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The complementary moral defence.

The Complementary Moral Defence

Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection. That when someone has a problem with the narcissist’s behaviour, it is THEIR problem, not that of the narcissist.

It can be the most frustrating thing about interacting with a narcissist, they never accept responsibility, they devalue, discard, and smear the criticiser, and deflect from the main issue.

As adults that is hard enough to deal with, but what happens when that happens in a parent child relationship?

The child of a narcissistic parent develops something called ‘the complementary moral defence’.

Now hang on in there, this is going to get a bit technical, but I’ll do my best to keep it accessible!!

Daniel Shaw describes it thus:

‘the assertion on the part of the parent…usually implicit, and sometimes explicit, that one owns exclusive rights to “the goodness” …and the child therefore is the locus of any “badness” that arises.

The complementary moral defence is an intrapersonal response from someone in an interpersonal relationship with an abuser. In my instance, I’m applying it to the relationship between the child and the narcissistic parent. This is because, in this situation, it becomes a conditioned response to every relationship where someone disagrees with said child.

What happens is this. When a child is raised by a narcissist, they are not allowed to criticise or reject the narcissistic parent’s personality, behaviour or need. As the narcissist believes they are the whole of all things good, they will refuse and deflect any responsibility around wrongdoing, in whatever format that might take.

When we are children, our parents are meant to represent a secure base from which to explore the world. A place of safety to which we can retreat if scared or unsure about our surroundings and relationships. This is called attachment. The attachment relationship is the most precious and idealised thing for a child. They will go to any and all lengths to maintain it, including accepting responsibility for all that is wrong in a relationship, which is what happens in the narcissistic parent/child relationship.

And that is what the complementary moral defence is. It is where a child will understand that in order to avoid rupturing their attachment with their narcissistic parent, they must hold ALL that is bad or wrong in the interpersonal relationship, and as such internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed and broken.

They then take this belief and translate it to all the relationships they experience moving forward, until they have a huge amount of therapy and understand that it isn’t possible for only one person to be bad, and that relationships are co-created, and that parents are fallible humans, and in fact parents need to recognise and own their own flaws before projecting them onto their child, as a matter of urgency, and children don’t understand the shades of grey around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as adults do.

The complementary moral defence carries with it an omnipotent power over the emotions of others, where the sufferer will believe they have an unrealistic influence over how others think, feel and behave, because they have been told repeatedly sentences that start with the words ‘you make me……’

The adult child with this symptom of narcissistic abuse will struggle to say no to others, to hold others accountable for negative behaviour, and will feel huge guilt when they try and assert their need over someone else’s. They will need reassurance and support above that of someone who hasn’t experienced this, and will also feel guilt and shame for this too.

It’s hideous. The impact of this reaches into all other relationships, and makes the sufferer vulnerable to other abusers, believing them when they say ‘it’s your fault, you made me do it’.

Breaking out of this behaviour requires therapy, and thought challenging techniques. It requires the unpicking of learned messages and behaviours, and painful realisation that the parent wasn’t perfect at all, but possibly more flawed than most.

It’s painful, it’s shocking, but holy moly it’s healing. By unpicking, it allows the establishment of boundaries, and a relief from the omnipotent power and responsibility over others.

Ultimately, it’s worth it.

Any questions?
H

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Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.

I love the words in this image, because we repeat what we know even if that means ending up in abusive situations.

The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.

Narcissistic parents create a world view, and as such will repeatedly tell their children that the childhood they had was amazing. And of course the children believe them.

Whenever someone tells me their childhood was perfect, I’m always wary. My spidey senses flare. And so far they’ve been right.

The problem is that you don’t know any different. You’ve been taught that everything the narcissistic parent has said and done, or the way they treat you or expect you to behave is completely normal. And because a lot of narcissistic abuse doesn’t involve physical abuse in the ‘traditional’ sense, a child doesn’t know the way they are being treated is wrong. We don’t get taught about emotional abuse in schools.

As a child you have no other point of reference, so whilst you might not have liked it very much, and maybe even rebelled against it now and again (or a lot!) you will have been taught that YOU are the problem. Nobody else, just you.

And so children of narcissists come to view themselves as fundamentally flawed and that they are lucky if anyone loves them at all, even if that love is abusive.

It’s called ‘the complementary moral defence’, and means the child of the narcissist has to absorb all the wrong in the relationship so as to maintain the attachment, because if challenged the narcissist will withdraw their ‘love’ as a punishment. To a child that isolation is catastrophic.

That complementary moral defence plays out over and over again in other relationships as the child grows, ultimately establishing itself in the adult love relationship.

It leaves children of narcissists vulnerable to abusive relationships and it’s why it’s SO important to understand all the ways in which you’ve been affected and educate yourself around all the different behaviours.

And that’s where hope lies. Because on the other side of that understanding and education are healthy relationships, self respect, self worth, self LOVE, self esteem, boundaries and so many other positive affects.

Going through and weeding out every unhealthy behaviour attributed to you is the only way to be free of the pattern but oh my goodness it’s worth it.

I watch clients go through this process and blossom into their true selves and it’s magical to see.

Be kind in the process, but process ❤️

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Addiction….not a dirty word

I’ve been wondering what to write about lately. Lots of my blogs are informed by client work or observations I’ve made, or even conversations with friends. This one isn’t so much, but it is something personal to me that feels important to share.

When I decided I wanted to become a therapist, I started out expecting to work within addiction, but as life does, I’ve moved away from that as a particular focus, although I obviously face it in the therapy space fairly regularly, and I welcome it. Here’s why:

Addiction is something that sparks great controversy. Whenever the subject arises, I brace myself for comments that are derogatory, unkind, judgemental, and dismissive. And sadly, I’m usually right to do so.

Addiction is something this country seems to be plagued by. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, work, fitness, food, whatever, if there’s a dopamine response, you can bet someone who is struggling with emotion will use the activity to supress their emotion.

And that’s what addiction is. It’s avoidance. It would really be better to call it that rather than addiction, so that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

When someone is in avoidance, whatever their substance or behaviour, they can be VERY challenging to be around. It is absolutely your right to put in strict boundaries that meant you aren’t taken advantage of, but it doesn’t mean you have to let go of compassion all together.

If you are in avoidance, it is hard to see, because those behaviours are keeping you SO safe. They help you function day to day, or at least you think they do, and it’s impossible to break out of the behaviour, because you to do so is to face the thing you are avoiding, and that is not only hideously painful, but also incredibly scary.

When in avoidance, everything becomes about maintaining that position. Everything. In avoidance, you heartily swerve anything that may make you look in the mirror to see your pain. In avoidance, you may hurt those around you to maintain that state. Unfortunately, that capitalises on your avoidance, because now you have to avoid the pain and guilt of hurting those you love.

When someone is in avoidance, rather than judging, or directing, or insisting they stop avoiding, perhaps it is more helpful to say you are there when they are ready to face what they are avoiding. Perhaps it is more helpful to ask them how their behaviour is helping them, and to listen to the response with compassion. Perhaps it is about saying ‘I won’t help you avoid, but I will help you heal’.

People in avoidance don’t need to be isolated further, they need to be embraced and sheltered from the storm inside their own bodies. People in avoidance are in pain and their pain needs to be held until they can look at it without wincing. (Please be clear, I am not asking you to suffer for someone else’s pain, you MUST keep yourself safe before anything else.)

I have never met someone in avoidance who hasn’t experienced a horrific trauma, or abuse, or particularly painful bereavement. I haven’t met someone in avoidance who has experienced emotional stability and been given emotional resilience in childhood. Every single person I have met (and there have been a fair few) who is in avoidance does not have the emotional tool kit to deal with the horrors they have experienced.

So please, when you see someone is destroying themselves and those around them with their avoidance, acknowledge their pain, keep yourself safe, don’t enable, but do try and offer them compassion.

Avoidance doesn’t discriminate, nobody is immune.

If you’ve been affected by avoidance, please get in touch with the wonderful Drugfam You can do so by clicking on their page.

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Genuine v Fake Apologies

Okay, so here it is, the blog I’ve been promising on apologies. It’s going to be long, so grab a drink, find a comfy spot and get ready!

Apologies are tricky. Have you ever had someone apologise, but it doesn’t really feel right? Like it’s left you feeling as though somehow they don’t really feel sorry, even though they’ve said they are?

It might be because it was a fake apology.

What makes a genuine apology?

Well, first it starts with ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I apologise’. Then there should be some expression of remorse. ‘I feel really bad for hurting you’ or ‘I wish I could go back and do it differently’.

Then, there needs to be acceptance of responsibility ‘I shouldn’t have done that, it was unkind of me’ or ‘I should have done things differently, and that’s my fault’.

Then there should be some kind of amend making, ‘I will try and make it up to you to earn your trust and respect back’.

Finally (or so they say) a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

That sounds really simple doesn’t it? Except so often, that’s not how people apologise. When someone is offering a fake apology, none of those steps happen, although it seems like it does, but we are left feeling deflated and defeated, and sometimes guilty for ‘making’ the other person feel bad for their wrongdoing. How on earth does that work!?

How do some people manage to walk away from apologising without actually having apologised, and how do we spot a fake apology?

Well for me, it comes down to four things. Acceptance of responsibility, or lack of, justification, deflection, and behaviour change.

Acceptance of responsibility:

When someone starts their apology with ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, or ‘that wasn’t my intention’, it’s fake. They aren’t taking responsibility. This can come down to boundaries, after all, I talk all the time about how we aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, but when we know we’ve screwed up (and we all do it from time to time) we don’t get to tell the other person they aren’t hurt. We acknowledge the pain we’ve caused and we accept what we did was wrong. We don’t make excuses, or turn it back on them, we own our behaviour and we take responsibility for it.

On a side note, sometimes when we are being apologised to, we have to accept responsibility for our part in things too. It can go a long way to help resolving a situation when we offer that to the apologiser. When we can look at a situation and say ‘thank you for your apology, I should have done X differently too’, we are not vindicating someone, but merely showing we know where our part lies.

Justification.

I mentioned not making excuses. That is what’s called justification. When someone starts justifying, I know immediately that they know they’re in the wrong, but they’re incapable of taking responsibility. When ever someone starts an apology with ‘I’m sorry, BUT….’, I know they don’t mean their apology.

When someone uses the word ‘but’, everything before it becomes irrelevant (Name that show 😉 ). When we justify ourselves, we are excusing our behaviour on some flimsy basis. We are exonerating ourselves of responsibility due to external circumstances.

And that is not okay. It is not an apology, it is an excuse for behaviour, and does not go any way to making amends.

Another thing that can happen when someone is making a fake apology is deflection. Deflection is when the apologiser tries to divert attention from their behaviour to another subject. They may raise a past incident where you behaved in a way that upset them. They may even use this deflection as justification. When that happens, I would probably walk away and say ‘until you are ready to focus on the issue at hand, I won’t engage in further discussion’.

Basically by saying that, I’m not allowing the apologiser to shift blame for their behaviour onto me, and I’m not allowing the apologiser to distract me from their behaviour by dragging up past hurts. This only leads to escalation and removes the focus from their wrongdoing. Not okay.

And finally behavioural change. I said at the beginning that the final part of an apology is a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

For me, that isn’t enough. It has to be demonstrated. The best form of apology in my opinion is behavioural change. It’s showing how sorry we are by never repeating the thing that caused the hurt in the first place.

If for example, someone says to you, ‘I find it really difficult when you criticise my hair’ (random I know!), you apologise for causing hurt, you admit it wasn’t kind of you, and you never ever criticise their hair again. Ever. Not even once.

And it is that, that change in behaviour, that shows that the apology is genuine, heartfelt, and intentional.

Another thing to remember is how to accept an apology. I always think it’s best to say ‘thank you for your apology’ rather than ‘it’s okay’. That’s because when we say ‘it’s okay’ linguistically it could sound as though we are saying ‘your behaviour was acceptable, you can do it again’. By saying ‘thank you’ we acknowledge and accept the apology with the behavioural boundary in place. Hope I’ve explained that properly, I might come back to it!

Anyway, remember, when someone apologises, they do these things:

1. Start by saying sorry or a variant of.

2. They take responsibility for their part in the incident.

3. They make amends

4. The change their behaviour.

I hope you’ve had a good Christmas, and are looking forward to the New Year. Next Friday, I’m going to do a video on making change and how to stick to it.

As always, take great care, be kind to yourselves,

Helen x

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Grandiosity in Narcissism

Over the next few weeks I’m going to be writing to describe the way each of the core traits of narcissism presents interpersonally. That is to say, how the trait will act out when the narcissist is with others.

One of the core traits in narcissism is Grandiosity. Grandiosity is experienced either overtly or covertly. That means the grandiose belief is either obvious, or hidden.

What is grandiosity? Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority, with no basis in reality. For example the person who believes they’re a medic, despite never having done any training, and garnering knowledge from T.V. shows or articles. Grandiosity is believing that they are better than others and should be treated as such.

In narcissism, grandiosity is considered pathological when it comes at a cost to others, when someone’s belief in their superiority results in interpersonal dominance and antagonism. It’s hard to distinguish grandiosity from entitlement, but the main difference would be that entitlement is much more interpersonal and grandiosity is more intrapersonal, meaning that it does not necessarily need others to fulfil the belief.

When overtly presented, grandiosity might look like someone who likes fast cars and big houses, who dominates conversation with the belief that they’re the only one who knows everything, or that they’re the one who knows best.

When covertly presented, it might be that the individual believes they are better than others, but keep it well hidden, only excluding those who don’t comply with that belief system.

Grandiosity is thought to be a self-enhancement, used to regulate self-esteem, and allows the individual the power to deny any characteristic flaws, and also gives the person unrealistic high expectations. When those expectations aren’t met, or the character flaws aren’t deniable, this can provoke what’s known as ‘narcissistic rage’.

Narcissistic rage involves the individual going to extreme lengths to gain revenge, and therefore rebalance the perceived power imbalance. If someone has in anyway contradicted or exposed the narcissists grandiose beliefs to be the hollow shell they are, that person will come under extreme attack from the narcissist, in the form of devaluing and discrediting, also known as the smear campaign.

Furthermore, when the narcissist feels threatened by attack, they will themselves attack as a form of defence. Grandiosity gives the overt narcissist the courage to keep ploughing their agenda, even when presented with contradicting evidence; and it might even be said the same of the covert narcissist, although it will appear much more subtly and passive aggressively.

The grandiose trait is one that doesn’t have an awful lot to say about it, other than a person with the pathological trait will believe they are better than others with not evidence to suggest why, and as such will probably avoid people who may indeed be better than them.

Whilst grandiosity doesn’t seem so harmful, in a family system, where others are an extension of the narcissist, if the partner or children do not comply with or fulfil the grandiose need, the narcissist will exclude, attack or smear campaign that person. It means children will be expected to achieve higher than anyone else, and will exist to please their narcissistic parent, and any signs of autonomy of failure will be met with one of those responses described above.

The exposer of this and any trait will likely be met with the narcissistic rage, and ultimately exclusion and isolation.

Next time, I will write about entitlement and exploitation together. 45640751_1946860695362663_6624783326601281536_n.jpg

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Suicide Part 2.

Suicide, part two.

When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore. I was describing what I can only describe as honest suicide.

As I wrote it, I knew I was missing a big piece of the story around suicide out, and it made me uncomfortable because it is big, it is vital to talk about it and I knew it was wrong not to bring it up. So here I am.

Very very often, emotional abusers will use suicide as a tactic to manipulate and control. They will threaten it, even attempt it to coerce and convince someone not to leave, because an empathic person will do anything to avoid the feeling of responsibility bestowed on them by the abuser.

Narcissists are well known for suicide attempts. In narcissists, suicide rates are higher than in general population. It’s thought that this is because eventually a narcissist will be ‘found out’, and the level of shame that this exposes them to provokes suicide.

It could however be argued that suicidal ideation is the best defence mechanism in the world for a narcissist/abuser. Because what person would criticise someone recovering from a suicide attempt? When attention is taken from a narcissist they will go to extreme lengths to pull the attention back on to them, including threatening or attempting suicide.

The point of this post is this. Whatever reason someone has for killing themselves, ultimately, that is THEIR choice. It’s the ultimate choice really, and their right to execute it with free will. I know there are legal situations where people have been pushed and provoked into suicide, so I exclude those.

We all have a responsibility for the choices we make, and choosing suicide lies entirely with that person.

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Telling the truth….

The most frustrating thing for children of narcissists is represented in this image.

Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.

One of the questions on the AMA was ‘how can a family look so perfect from the outside, but be so toxic inside?’.

The truth of the toxicity is most fragile in those first few moments when the light begins to dawn on the hideous landscape you’ve been living in. There is a huge amount of self doubt, questioning, denial, minimalising and fear. The sense that things aren’t right but the fear of what it will mean to acknowledge that. The instinct is to hide. Pretend it isn’t real, and squash the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface. The cost of acceptance is so high it’s unfathomable. The potential loss of family, the scope of relearning, the inevitable pain and anger around this new fragile knowledge starts to take hold.

Imagine being in that position and trying to make sense of it. Imagine not knowing what’s real and what isn’t, whether your motivations, desires, pleasures are yours or theirs, how much you’ve missed out on because of their conditioning, rules, control. And then trying to tell someone.

Someone who responds ‘ah but your mum/dad are lovely’. Or ‘yeah but all parents are difficult’, or ‘well, it’s not that bad, they didn’t beat you or anything’.

Can you imagine? The dismissal? The dismissal of your emotion, much like has been done to you historically by your parent? The reinforced message of ‘don’t question us, we are your parents?’ The confirmation that once again you’re overreacting, over emotional, over sensitive.

That’s why it’s so hard to convince people. It’s not tangible. It’s constant messages of not being good enough, not meeting impossible expectations, not being helped, supported, loved unconditionally. The narcissist plays the perfect parent in public, only to make the child pay behind closed doors.

Convincing someone might need lists, of behaviours, of incidents, of conditioning, of criteria the parent meets. You may need to arm yourself, but you may find that someone is so well defended they can’t hear, because they are not ready to breathe yet. That’s on them. Not you.

It is not your job to convince someone of your truth. It is your job to know it.

If someone tells you their parent was difficult, simply respond with ‘I’m sorry, would you like to tell me more?’

Give space to people to find their feet in the new world, free from the fear of judgement or question.

You’ll be giving them a massive gift ❤️

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Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1940’s stage play and later film, Gas Light. In the story, the husband convinces his wife, and those around them, that she is insane by changing things in their environment and convincing her that she is mistaken or has misremembered things. One of the things is convincing her that she is wrong when she notices to him that the gaslights in their apartment have been dimming. In reality he is in the flat above looking for jewellery of a woman that he murdered, and his use of the lights up there causes the lights in their flat to dim.

Gaslighting therefore, is a term to describe an abuser’s attempt to control and undermine someone’s perception of reality. It would be classed as emotional abuse.

What gaslighting does then, is to lead victims to second-guess themselves, not trusting their instinct or the facts they KNOW they know.

Gaslighting occurs in all kinds of relationships, I think the most prominent and obvious ones are marital or romantic partnerships, parent and child, and bully and victim. It’s even been used to describe certain politicians who deny facts or their own words when presented with them, and even statements they’ve clearly made via social media or in interview.

An example of gaslighting might be a child remembering an event which doesn’t show the parent in a favourable light. If the parent has pathological narcissistic tendencies, they may outright deny the event, blaming a child’s youth as a reason for misremembering, or even suggest the child is fabricating the entire story for attention.

Another might be a cheating partner caught out by texts, and instead of owning his or her behaviour will turn it back on the other partner, and suggest they are overreacting and oversensitive, or even imagining the whole thing.

Signs within us that we are being gaslighted are:

1. The inability to make decisions

2. Second-guessing what we know to be true about events both past and present.

3. Feeling confused and at the edge of reality.

4. Apologizing for things that we have no need to apologise for.

5. Feeling misunderstood.

6. Referring to the abuser for clarification/understanding/validation of your emotional response.

7. Feeling afraid to express your emotions for fear they will be dismissed/mocked/used against you.

Tactics a Gaslighter might use:

1. Minimising – suggesting you are over sensitive, over reacting, and taking things too seriously.

2. Denial – Acting like things either didn’t happen, or you must have imagined it.

3. Avoidance – By refusing to discuss the subject, moving conversation away from the things you’ve raised until you’re talking about the supermarket shop and not the fact s/he’s cheated on you.

4. Confidence – By brazening out and acting so sure of their truth and opinion that it makes you question yours.

5. Discrediting – Suggesting to others you’re over emotional, irrational, crazy, paranoid, psychotic.

6. Twisting – Again, suggesting you’re over reacting ‘I barely touched you’ when in fact you’re in hospital from the beating. Or that you’ve remembered things wrong; and you’re wrong not them.

So how do we fight back against gas lighting? It seems so flippant and dismissive to say ‘trust what you know’, but that’s what there is. Look for evidence, how do you know you’re right? How do you know you’re wrong even?

Pay attention. Look to see who is making you feel confused etc. It’s so subtle that you may have to look hard for the evidence. You’ll possibly have noticed it well the first couple of times, but have stopped questioning it as it’s worn you down. Talk to someone you trust. Try and disassociate from the gaslighter.

As ever, trust your instinct. If something feels off, it probably is.

Any questions?

(Picture copyright of Liberation Therapy)

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Trauma Bonding

Have you ever wondered why you, or your loved one can’t leave the person who hurts them? Whether physical or emotional, it can be impossible to understand why someone won’t leave, and sometimes we can feel judgemental of that, which is understandable, even if it makes us feel bad for feeling that way.

We’ve all most likely heard of the term bonding. When done healthily, it allows us to love our children, parents, partners and friends with abandon, to trust our feelings and theirs, as well as our relationships. When there is a cycle of abuse, something called ‘Trauma Bonding’ can occur.

Trauma bonding is created when an abuser uses love, fear, sex, and excitement to essentially weave a toxic web around a person. Sadly, if you have grown up in an abusive family you’re more likely to find yourself trauma bonded to an abusive partner.

The intensity of abusive relationships is incredibly overwhelming. The belief that no one else either understands you, or your partner, or the relationship between you is intoxicating. The idea that you belong to something that others just can’t or won’t experience sets you apart and allows your brain to justify the abuse, because the good times are SO good that you get hooked on them, and are willing to tolerate the bad times for those good times.

So how do we escape trauma bonding? It’s the 64 million dollar question I’m afraid, but it is possible.

The first thing to do is to try and gain an outside perspective.

1. Write the story of your relationship in the third person, from the very beginning to the very end. Be totally honest about all the good, and all the bad. Include as much detail as possible. If you’re in therapy, share the story with your therapist, but if not, with a friend. It can help to think ‘what would I tell my friend if she/he told me this?’

2. Now write a story about the partner you would like. How would they make you feel? How would they treat you? What do I bring to a relationship? What do I do well, and what do I not do well? Is my current partner living up to those hopes? Do I want things to stay the same or change?

3. Being very honest with yourself, write down the pros and cons of the current situation.

4. And then write down the pros and cons of leaving your current situation.

5. Ask yourself, how will I feel in a year if nothing has changed?

6. Look at your attempts to change your partner. Have you tried to? Have you had to explain to them how their behaviour affects you? Has it had any impact? The only person we can control is ourselves, and recognising that we have no influence on someone’s ability to change is half the problem solved.

7. Own your part in it. No one has any right to abuse another, in any way shape or form. However, we have to acknowledge what we do to contribute to, or rather, allow the behaviours towards us. This statement may feel very victim shaming, although it is in no way intended to be. This is about separating our behaviour from theirs, and owning ours so we can facilitate change. Why didn’t we walk away the first time they hit us? Why did we tolerate verbal abuse? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no? Understanding that can be a huge part of recovery, and prevention from getting into another abusive relationship.

8. Acknowledge your feelings. Often when we have experienced emotional/physical abuse whether from childhood or adulthood, we become very adept and practiced at avoiding or supressing our feelings. We squash them down so they become so buried we don’t even know what they are anymore. Often, they will manifest in other ways, through self sabotaging behaviours, or more than likely, anxiety and depression. Try writing them down, even if you can’t put a name to them, say how they make your body feel, and describe them in terms of colour, shape and texture. I will regularly ask clients to draw their feelings in an attempt to help them connect to them. Another thing that is really helpful is the word wheel which I have attached to the blog. Using that to understand our feelings can be very powerful and releasing.

9. Self care. Be kind to yourself. You are trying to undo something intangible and insidious, and it takes a lot of time. Find things that bring you joy, and allow yourself the time to indulge them.

10. Finally, finding a really good therapist with knowledge and understanding of trauma bonding is vital to recovery. A neutral person with no agenda in your relationship will help you understand yourself and help you establish strong resilient boundaries.

Please take great care of yourselves, and feel free to message or leave a comment if this has resonated with you.

Thank you

Helen