Tag: Freedom

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Frog in boiling water – why we stay in abusive relationships so long.

Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I see it until now? How could I have done this to myself and my children?

These are the questions I hear from abuse survivors ALL. THE. TIME.

They blame themselves for being abused. They take responsibility for the behaviour of their abuser. They carry soul crushing guilt for exposing their children to their abuser, as if somehow they could control it.

So here’s the answer to that question. The frog in the boiling water story.

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump straight out. It will escape immediately.

If you put a frog into cold water and turn the gas on, even as the water warms, boils and burns him, he doesn’t attempt to leave. He doesn’t notice that he’s literally being killed yet has the ability to escape at any time.

And that’s what it’s like in an abusive relationship. If you went on a first date, and the person you were with punched you, (whether provoked or not), it’s highly likely you wouldn’t ever see them again. You may even call the police. You would more than likely tell your friends and loved ones what they had done. But you wouldn’t for a second think it was your fault. Or at least, I hope you wouldn’t.

So now lets think about two years of relationship. Two years of being drip fed comments about how lucky you are they love you because no one else would ever put up with you. Two years of shared experiences. Two years of being trauma bonded through love bombing and withdrawal. Two years of being told you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, and two years of being chipped away at, niggled, nagged, belittled, put on a pedestal, taken off it, worshipped, raged against. Two years of a war waged against your self-esteem and autonomy.

And then they punch you.

And then they blame you.

And then they promise you they won’t ever do it again.

And somehow they become the victim for hitting you.

And you don’t know who to tell. You don’t know how to leave. You think it’s your fault. You think you deserve it.

And maybe they don’t do something as tangible as hit you. They ‘just’ dominate, control, threaten to leave, worship, idolise, shower with affection, scream at, buy presents for, put you down, pull you up.

They emotionally abuse you to the point you don’t even know if you like your steak done rare or well, you don’t even know if you LIKE steak! Weren’t you a vegetarian before you met them?

Your autonomy is lost. Your sense of self is gone. Your confidence in tatters. You don’t know how to exist without the push pull of the relationship, because you’re the frog in the water that’s been heating for the last two years.

That’s why we stay in abusive relationships. That’s why we don’t question that which surrounds us. That’s why people looking in from the outside are so horrified and perhaps so judgemental. Because if they walked into the relationship where you are right now, they would jump straight out.

Those who have lived it for the two years can’t see it. It isn’t until something finally breaks through the fog, that we can see the light. And even then we are still at risk. Because the trauma bond provokes the same chemical reactions in our brain as heroin addiction. And we all know how devastating that is. The pain of clearing the fog is more unbearable than the fog itself, and so we allow it to envelop us again.

So next time you are beating yourself up for someone else’s abuse of you/behaviour, remember that poor frog not noticing his water boiling around him. We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. Our responsibility only lies in helping ourselves understand why we ignored the behaviours that trapped us. And that takes a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and a lot of pain.

With that in mind, when you next share the hashtag #bekind, remember this:

That #bekind movement really needs to start with yourself.

Take care, stay safe, and if possible, stay home.
Helen x

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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DNA doesn’t equal a right to abuse.

You do not have to tolerate abuse or toxicity from anyone. ESPECIALLY those you share DNA with.

In fact. I would offer that rather than being more ready to ‘forgive’ someone from your blood family, perhaps they should have to work harder to earn your presence and trust.

Because it is within the bonds of blood where we are supposed to feel safest, most loved, most accepted, most wanted, and most needed. And when someone betrays that bond, it is a much deeper betrayal than that from someone whom you aren’t related to. After all. Those we love the most hurt us the most.

To be loved is a huge power and privilege, and therefore should be revered and respected. To not do so demonstrates the character of a person.

So put your boundaries in. Keep yourself safe. Don’t accept anything that doesn’t make you feel valued and accepted.

DNA doesn’t give someone the right to abuse you.

Blood doesn’t offer a gateway to toxicity.

And Boundaries are enforceable against everyone.

Whatever their position in your life ❤️

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Good enough is good enough

Raising kids is really really hard.

There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly, not to mention an attempt to retain some identity other than X’s Mummy.

So here are a few things I want to tell you about attachment theory:

If they cry when you leave, it’s a good thing. If they come to you when you return it’s a great thing.

The best thing we can do for our children is go away and come back. When they are old enough (6months plus perhaps) to understand; we mind map for them, explain what we are doing and why and that we would rather be with them and will be back as soon as we can.

Validate and mirror their emotions, reassure and listen and we build a secure attachment style.

Winnicott said that the good enough mother was good enough, and another statistic shows we only need to get it right 32% of the time to establish a secure attachment in our child.

Good enough means showing your children that mistakes are permissible.

Good enough means setting an achievable bar.

Good enough means allowing opportunity to model apologies and responsibility.

Good enough means empowering children by letting them question authority without fear.

Good enough means modelling acceptance of the fallibility of each and every human being including themselves.

Good enough fosters healthy boundaries and good self awareness, protecting mental health and relationships.

Good enough is good enough and gives everyone a break, especially the parent.

Ultimately what I’m saying is this.

Relax
Reassure
Validate
Mirror
Retreat
Return.

And your babies will be just fine ❤️

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The complementary moral defence.

The Complementary Moral Defence

Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection. That when someone has a problem with the narcissist’s behaviour, it is THEIR problem, not that of the narcissist.

It can be the most frustrating thing about interacting with a narcissist, they never accept responsibility, they devalue, discard, and smear the criticiser, and deflect from the main issue.

As adults that is hard enough to deal with, but what happens when that happens in a parent child relationship?

The child of a narcissistic parent develops something called ‘the complementary moral defence’.

Now hang on in there, this is going to get a bit technical, but I’ll do my best to keep it accessible!!

Daniel Shaw describes it thus:

‘the assertion on the part of the parent…usually implicit, and sometimes explicit, that one owns exclusive rights to “the goodness” …and the child therefore is the locus of any “badness” that arises.

The complementary moral defence is an intrapersonal response from someone in an interpersonal relationship with an abuser. In my instance, I’m applying it to the relationship between the child and the narcissistic parent. This is because, in this situation, it becomes a conditioned response to every relationship where someone disagrees with said child.

What happens is this. When a child is raised by a narcissist, they are not allowed to criticise or reject the narcissistic parent’s personality, behaviour or need. As the narcissist believes they are the whole of all things good, they will refuse and deflect any responsibility around wrongdoing, in whatever format that might take.

When we are children, our parents are meant to represent a secure base from which to explore the world. A place of safety to which we can retreat if scared or unsure about our surroundings and relationships. This is called attachment. The attachment relationship is the most precious and idealised thing for a child. They will go to any and all lengths to maintain it, including accepting responsibility for all that is wrong in a relationship, which is what happens in the narcissistic parent/child relationship.

And that is what the complementary moral defence is. It is where a child will understand that in order to avoid rupturing their attachment with their narcissistic parent, they must hold ALL that is bad or wrong in the interpersonal relationship, and as such internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed and broken.

They then take this belief and translate it to all the relationships they experience moving forward, until they have a huge amount of therapy and understand that it isn’t possible for only one person to be bad, and that relationships are co-created, and that parents are fallible humans, and in fact parents need to recognise and own their own flaws before projecting them onto their child, as a matter of urgency, and children don’t understand the shades of grey around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as adults do.

The complementary moral defence carries with it an omnipotent power over the emotions of others, where the sufferer will believe they have an unrealistic influence over how others think, feel and behave, because they have been told repeatedly sentences that start with the words ‘you make me……’

The adult child with this symptom of narcissistic abuse will struggle to say no to others, to hold others accountable for negative behaviour, and will feel huge guilt when they try and assert their need over someone else’s. They will need reassurance and support above that of someone who hasn’t experienced this, and will also feel guilt and shame for this too.

It’s hideous. The impact of this reaches into all other relationships, and makes the sufferer vulnerable to other abusers, believing them when they say ‘it’s your fault, you made me do it’.

Breaking out of this behaviour requires therapy, and thought challenging techniques. It requires the unpicking of learned messages and behaviours, and painful realisation that the parent wasn’t perfect at all, but possibly more flawed than most.

It’s painful, it’s shocking, but holy moly it’s healing. By unpicking, it allows the establishment of boundaries, and a relief from the omnipotent power and responsibility over others.

Ultimately, it’s worth it.

Any questions?
H

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Be kind to yourself…

YES. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter if anyone has it worse, (in your eyes) or it could be worse, or it’s over with or any other reason you might find to minimise your experience.

Emotional events are HARD. There is no ‘should’ to how you feel, how long you have felt, how long you feel that way, how you experience your emotions. You feel what you feel, and that’s okay.

As always however, there’s a boundary where we have to recognise where we’ve been triggered and perhaps our feelings are being amplified. That’s what therapy and increased self awareness helps with. Knowing our experiences and triggers helps us process emotion and understand it too

We also have to take responsibility for those triggers and responses. Recognise that sometimes we are feeling the way we feel because we have projected emotion from a past event onto a present one, and own it.

And the final boundary is recognising when we are in victim role, and making sure that we don’t use pain and experiences to excuse and justify our behaviours.

If you remember the drama triangle/winners triangle, the healthy role in the place of the victim role is ‘resourced’. So taking responsibility for your own emotional response and increasing your self awareness, so that when we are holding other people responsible for our emotions we realise that we have power and responsibility within that too.

Ultimately though, with the caveat of responsibility around triggers and processes, your emotions are valid, your pain is true and you’re allowed to struggle with it.

Be kind to yourself ❤️

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Strict parent v Boundaried Parent

This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.

Rather than creating a human who is able to know themselves, know their self worth, use their voice, trust those in authority and most importantly turn to their parent in times of difficulty; they create a hyper vigilant person. A person who lives in survival mode terrified of stepping a foot out of line but who has no idea where that line is.

They create someone who internalises and hides their thoughts and feelings, especially when they contradict those of a parent. They create someone who relies on other people to tell them they are ‘good enough’ rather than knowing it within their own core belief system.

They value the beliefs, emotions, needs of others before their own. And that requires a TON of therapy to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong. Boundaries in parenting are vital. But there’s a huge difference between telling a child what their boundaries should be, and allowing them to develop and discover their own.

Helping children develop boundaries starts when they’re tiny. Allowing them to make choices and to say no to their caregiver. Allowing them to say what they need and hearing and considering it before accepting or rejecting it.

That also means modelling good boundaries for them too. Showing them what it is to have and to hold a boundary around self worth/respect/esteem allows them the knowledge that they can do the same too.

By doing so we can teach our children to leave us, and to do so with a knowledge they will be okay in the world.

Equipping children with roots and wings is the most important thing parents can do.

By giving a child autonomy, the courage to leave the comfort of home, and the knowledge of their place being held there is the greatest gift you can give a child.

And we achieve that through minding our own boundaries and teaching them to find theirs too.

❤️

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Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.

I love the words in this image, because we repeat what we know even if that means ending up in abusive situations.

The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.

Narcissistic parents create a world view, and as such will repeatedly tell their children that the childhood they had was amazing. And of course the children believe them.

Whenever someone tells me their childhood was perfect, I’m always wary. My spidey senses flare. And so far they’ve been right.

The problem is that you don’t know any different. You’ve been taught that everything the narcissistic parent has said and done, or the way they treat you or expect you to behave is completely normal. And because a lot of narcissistic abuse doesn’t involve physical abuse in the ‘traditional’ sense, a child doesn’t know the way they are being treated is wrong. We don’t get taught about emotional abuse in schools.

As a child you have no other point of reference, so whilst you might not have liked it very much, and maybe even rebelled against it now and again (or a lot!) you will have been taught that YOU are the problem. Nobody else, just you.

And so children of narcissists come to view themselves as fundamentally flawed and that they are lucky if anyone loves them at all, even if that love is abusive.

It’s called ‘the complementary moral defence’, and means the child of the narcissist has to absorb all the wrong in the relationship so as to maintain the attachment, because if challenged the narcissist will withdraw their ‘love’ as a punishment. To a child that isolation is catastrophic.

That complementary moral defence plays out over and over again in other relationships as the child grows, ultimately establishing itself in the adult love relationship.

It leaves children of narcissists vulnerable to abusive relationships and it’s why it’s SO important to understand all the ways in which you’ve been affected and educate yourself around all the different behaviours.

And that’s where hope lies. Because on the other side of that understanding and education are healthy relationships, self respect, self worth, self LOVE, self esteem, boundaries and so many other positive affects.

Going through and weeding out every unhealthy behaviour attributed to you is the only way to be free of the pattern but oh my goodness it’s worth it.

I watch clients go through this process and blossom into their true selves and it’s magical to see.

Be kind in the process, but process ❤️

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Divorce isn’t failure. It’s success.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Not for me, but for a couple of people nearby.

The word I hear so often when it comes to the end of a relationship is ‘failure’.

What?!?

The WHOLE relationship was a failure?

I can’t believe that, because you would never have married them or stayed with them this long.

A relationship hasn’t failed because it’s ended. It’s just ended. We can be so quick to mark something failed because it’s ended. Even businesses or being fired from a job. We forget to look at all the good things that happened up until that point. We forget that there’s two people (typically) in a relationship and BOTH are responsible for making it work.

Any kind of relationship, whether romantic or otherwise does not depend solely on one person to invest in, aside from the first few years of parenting I suppose.

The end of something does not deem it a failure. Where you have chosen to leave a marriage or relationship because you are no longer happy, loved, cherished and having needs met, you haven’t failed.

In my opinion you’ve succeeded.

You’ve stood up and demanded more for yourself. You’ve recognised your self worth, your value and your needs.

You have empowered yourself to lift your head from the sand and look at what’s wrong and if it’s salvageable and you have faced the brutal reality that it isn’t. You are looking change square in the eye, something every single person I’ve met dislikes to one degree or another, (it’s to do with evolution but that’s another post!) and asked it to enter your life.

You’ve stepped out of a comfort zone and into a wilderness of break up, with all the financial insecurity, change in living situation that brings.

You’ve relinquished an uncomfortable comfort and acknowledged that rubbing along or moments of good isn’t enough, and that being single is better than being partnered.

If that doesn’t make you the one of the bravest badasses in the world I don’t know what will.

And you may be reading this blog thinking I didn’t choose it, they did. This doesn’t apply to me. I’m the one rejected. I don’t want to step out of the comfort zone, it was forced upon me and I don’t know what I did wrong etc.

Let me tell you this. If that’s you, if you are nursing rejecting and wounding, if you have been blindsided by a break up; you are the biggest badass that existed. Because you have been forced into a period of hurt and healing, but more importantly reflection. Looking at the relationship for clues of the intention. Was everything as rosy as you thought or were there signs?

And you’re going to face those questions, and they’re going to hurt potentially, but you know what? You’re going to rise up knowing you deserve more. You deserve value and you deserve to be cherished too.

We all do.

Of course this isn’t a black and white subject, but with all relationship breakdowns, we have to look at our own behaviour and be honest with ourselves. What can we learn from it? What can we take forward into a new relationship and what can we leave behind? Do we need to go to therapy to understand our relational patterns so we don’t repeat a cycle? What change must we implement?

For me, the end of your relationship isn’t a failure. It has the potential to be the greatest success you’ve ever known.

Take care

H x

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Imposter Syndrome: Your Friend

Imposter Syndrome.

Well, who am I to be telling you about this? It seems a lot of us suffer from the feeling that we don’t deserve what we’ve got, or that we’ve got to the place we are by luck, or that we’ve somehow tricked everyone into giving us the responsibility we have. It seems many of us are scared that we are eventually going to be ‘found out’, and exposed as a fraud.

If you can relate to those feelings, you may be suffering from imposter syndrome.

So what is it?

Well, it’s all those feelings. It’s a psychological pattern that means the sufferer believes they’ve somehow got the achievements and accolades they have by luck, chance, or tricking others into giving them those things. It ignores the effort, work and external evidence of competence and ability and dismisses the experience and intelligence that others recognise.

Interestingly, when research first started, it focused on the prevalence among high achieving women, although it has now been recognised that men suffer it just as much. Equality rules!

Imposter syndrome is one of those things that nags at us like a little gremlin on our shoulder. The pervasive feeling that taints and stains every promotion, qualification, achievement or win of any kind is hard to ignore. Whilst everyone around you congratulates you, offers admiration, praise and acknowledgment, the gremlin sits, and whispers that you don’t deserve all that is bestowed on you.

And that whisper can be louder than any other noise in the room.

So why does it happen? Why do we dismiss our own achievements? Why do we minimise all our effort, blood, sweat and tears? Why do we sit waiting for someone to catch us out? Waiting for someone to see through this elaborate plan we’ve created to get us to the position we are in. Waiting for someone to say ‘wait a minute, you don’t belong here!’ at the top of their voice in a room full of other people waiting to agree.

Well, as ever there are a number of reasons, but largely as always in my school of thinking, it’s based in childhood. Our perception of what we are able or capable of doing is based in the messages we have received as a child. So for example, if you did well in a test, were you praised, or were you asked why you didn’t do better? Was your achievement revered as a stand-alone result of your hard work, or were you asked how everyone else in the class did? Were you told to study harder and harder or were you told you have worked hard enough, and it’s time for a break?

Essentially, what we are talking about is the knowledge that however good you are, however hard you’ve worked, it is GOOD ENOUGH.

People who struggle with imposter syndrome generally have low self-esteem and self-confidence. They may have grown up around messages such as that they aren’t trying hard enough, they aren’t doing well enough, just generally that they aren’t ‘enough’. It’s a horrible horrible feeling, and often this sense of fraudulence is something that holds people back from achieving their hopes and dreams, or even just trying for a promotion or pay rise at work, which is why it’s so important to challenge it. Imposter syndrome stops us from achieving our potential and leads to a lifetime of regret.

So how do we stop it happening? Obviously, my first thought is going to be therapy therapy therapy! If you can’t get to therapy, then you can start by challenging the thoughts associated with the feelings.

I’m going to break a boundary and share something personal with you. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I think it’s pertinent and relevant, and likely helpful.

When I got the email confirming the award of Master of Arts, my immediate response was ‘I’ve tricked them’.

My second response was ‘you’re not that clever’.

I don’t mean not clever enough to do a Masters (that battle had been beaten for me by a wonderful and supportive tutor), but clever enough to trick the two markers, and the full university exam board.

I started to reflect on everything I had done to get to that moment. I challenged thoughts that were saying ‘you couldn’t possibly have done this, you don’t deserve this’.

I looked for evidence. And that’s what I’m going to ask you to do when you’re feeling like you don’t deserve what you’ve achieved. Reflect on everything you’ve done to get there. Look at all the late nights and early mornings, the studying, the sacrifices. Look at why someone else might look at you and think ‘yeah, they deserve this’. Ask yourself how you would react if a friend spoke to you that way. Ask yourself if you would speak to anyone else that way.

And then tell that nasty little gremlin something that might surprise you to hear….

‘I know you’re there, and it’s okay. I’m sorry you feel like we don’t deserve this, but I promise we do. We worked hard to be here. We know what we’re doing. We didn’t hurt or sacrifice anyone else to get here, we belong here.’

Because you’re gremlin is scared. Scared of not being enough, of being caught out, and he’s trying to protect you. And in that way, he’s actually a little bit helpful.

Here’s the thing. That niggling feeling, that horrid squirmy, disconnected, ‘it’s not meant to be me’ feeling, is actually pretty helpful.

And here’s why:

It keeps you in check. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you working. It keeps you striving. It stops you from becoming complacent, arrogant, thoughtless, careless.

It helps you.

It’s a funny thing when you start to realise that once we’ve started building a relationship with our gremlin, once we get him into a proportional place, we can start using him to our advantage. Once we decide to talk back to him, he becomes our friend, and pushes us further than we ever thought we could go.

Thanks for waiting for this,

Helen Villiers LLB PG Cert., PG Dip., MA 😉

(no awards for drawing though 😉 )

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Narcissistic Parentification

So, here I am, the last in the instalments about parentification. Today’s offering is on Narcissistic Parentification. Grab a drink, a snack, and get comfy, because not only could this be long, but I suspect for some of you this might be painful, and I really want to ask you to keep yourselves safe in reading this.

Before you start reading, please make sure that you have some grounding techniques to hand for any anxiety it might trigger, or PTSD responses. This is a very concerned trigger warning.

Okay. Ready? Let’s go.

What is Narcissistic Parentification?

Well, if you’ve read the other blogs about instrumental and emotional parentification, it’s all those together and more. What makes Narcissistic Parentification unique is the ‘projection’ of the parent’s ideals onto the child.

This means the child lives out all the things the narcissistic parent idealises about themselves OR all the things the narcissistic parent loathes about themselves. It’s one huge ego trip, and results in defined family roles, that positions the child in either ‘golden child’, or ‘scapegoat’.

For the golden child, it sounds as though they get an easy ride, and in some ways that might be true, they certainly escape the worst of the abuse. But from where I sit, as a therapist, I sometimes think that as the scapegoats are more likely to escape the narcissistic abuse, in some ways they’re the lucky ones. Because at some point, they’re going to start questioning why it is they are always blamed for everything, or punished more severely, or excluded, or criticised more than their sibling. Because one day, they’re going to wake up and realise that they deserve more than being the vessel of their narcissistic parent’s self hatred, they will fight against the narrative they’ve been given, and they will figure out who they are, not who they’ve been TOLD they are.

My experience shows that the golden child is unlikely ever to do that. I’ve come across it once. Someone who knew they were the golden child, and were able to protect their sibling in adulthood. It stands so freshly in my memory because it is something I have never heard of before, and never come across since. I’m sure I will again, I’m sure it has happened, it’s just excruciatingly rare (in my experience).

As a result, the impact of narcissistic parentification for the golden child is just as big. The golden child will adopt the role of idolizing and defending their parent against all and any criticism (because as the projective object, they’re also defending themselves). They will likely become co dependent, possibly narcissistic themselves, and as a result be unable to self-actualise. This in turn will possibly cause depression and anxiety, unhealthy relationships, and an inability to break away from the image projected onto them by the parent.

The golden child will be moulded to hold everything good about the parent (as the parent sees it in themselves) the parent will likely ignore any wrongdoing or behaviour, and when the golden child offends, hurts, inflicts or does anything wrong towards the scapegoat, it will somehow become the scapegoat’s fault. The golden child will be exonerated from all responsibility and the scapegoat will be made to hold it all. So the golden child may never be able to form any kind of healthy relationship. It may seem like they have the blessed life in many ways, but they will be miserable, unable to sustain relationships, and unlikely to find their way to a place of health because the cost of recognising that they or the parental system are the problem is too high.

That’s why I feel sad for the golden child. And that’s why I think the scapegoat is the most likely to win in the horror that is a narcissistic family system.

So what about the scapegoat?

The scapegoat may also develop significant mental health issues, as a result of a crippling insecure attachment due to the barrage of abuse and criticism, the scapegoat may attempt to hold themselves to a level of perfection in order to gain any scraps of love or affection, but they will never be good enough. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships before therapeutic intervention, and may repeat the relational pattern of abuse. They are more likely to get involved with a narcissistic partner due to the relational pattern. They will likely be isolated and excluded if and when they start to fight back against the negative projection from family.

The scapegoat is the escape artist. The scapegoat has most chance of breaking the cycle.

So what else happens in narcissistic parentification?

Well, the narcissistic parent will rely on triangulation to divide and conquer their children (where there is more than one child). They will use Idealisation and Devaluing behaviours to do this. They will give with one hand and take away with another. The idealisation behaviours may extend as far as comparing one child to the other e.g. ‘why can’t you be clever/funny/pretty/lovely etc. like your sibling?’. They will use shame, blame, criticism and fear as a way to control both golden children and scapegoats. They will gaslight everyone around them especially the children. ‘I didn’t mean it like that’, ‘you’re being oversensitive’, ‘that’s not what happened’, ‘it’s your own fault because you did xyz’.

Basically, in a narcissistic family system, no one escapes unscathed. It is too easy to resent the golden child for the elevated position they inhabit, but their elevation is also their isolation. They know somewhere in their psyche that their position comes at a cost, that they must toe the line so as to remain in favour. The risk of the attachment rupture is too great to step away from their role.

The scapegoat faces such hideous emotional abuse; they are at real risk of developing significant attachment disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder. Should they attempt to break free from the abuse they are subjected to smear campaigns, and even in their absence will hold the position as the vessel that carries all the family dysfunction.

They can enforce boundaries, heal, build new healthy relationships, but they will never have what they need; a healthy parent.

The impact of narcissistic parentification is so high that it’s impossible for me to capture it all in one blog. But if I can ask you to remember something, it would be this:

Whatever happens in the narcissistic family, no one escapes the horror. Not even the golden child.IMG_3119.JPG

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Toxic Masculinity

Okay, I’m going to try and venture into this topic. It’s contentious. I truly believe it’s a thing, and I also believe that it’s as damaging to men as it is women.

What is toxic masculinity?

You all gave such interesting answers; answers that gave me food for thought, and also helped me understand how women connect with the concept. Some responses were (rightly) angry. They referred to the privilege that comes with being born male. They referred to the sense of entitlement that seems to be taught to boys from a young age. They referred to misogyny, chauvinism; boys will be boys, oppression of women.

All of those are right in my humble opinion.

Here’s what it means to me.

Toxic masculinity is where a boy is taught to protect and defend his ego against every dent or damage above all else. Toxic masculinity is where a boy (who later becomes a man) is taught that to display emotion is weakness, need is weakness, a desire to be loved is weakness, to be rejected is weakness, to be less than a woman in any way is weakness.

Toxic masculinity is the societal belief that men are the superior gender, and that by the power of penis they somehow deserve more, command more respect, and are entitled to more for less effort.

So what happens when toxic masculinity plays out?

Well, in extreme circumstances it facilitates psychopathy, murder and rape. How many male serial killers have you heard about exacting their revenge on one individual by murdering other similar looking individuals (usually but not always women). How many women suffer as a result of toxic masculinity due to domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse?

And how many men suffer domestic, emotional and financial abuse because they’ve been taught that to be abused means they’re weak. To be in distress is weak, to have an EMOTION is weak.

Toxic masculinity comes in phrases such as ‘man up’, ‘be a man’, ‘don’t be such a girl’, ‘boys will be boys’, ‘ ‘boys don’t cry’, and so forth. Any phrase that shuts down a man’s right and ability to connect with his emotional response can be considered such a phrase.

Toxic masculinity no doubt has a hideous manifestation for women, but something that often gets lost in conversation is the impact it has on men.

The gender construct that means to be a ‘man’ demands that men shut off all emotional responses apart from anger. You may remember the blog I did a while ago about anger, (it’s here if not!) I stated that anger is ALWAYS a mask for pain. When someone shows me anger, I know they are hurting. They will often deny that, but usually come back to me a few weeks later saying they realised that it was rejection, disappointment, fear, loss or any other number of feelings.

So men can only express anger and have that emotion accepted. Now. I have spoken before about how a healthy sense of self is developed in childhood when the parent accepts and mirrors the emotional responses in their child. That way the child knows and accepts their own emotions. So when society teaches us that boys aren’t allowed to cry, be sad, hurt, dejected or any other emotion, so they get angry. (And then get punished for that, but not typically told they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be it)

The highest suicide rate in the UK in 2017 was for men aged 45-49 (Source) men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women. Three times.

So toxic masculinity incites entitlement, the absolute belief that they as male are totally within their rights to help themselves to whatever they want, be it career, women, presidencies 😉 or other, but it also oppresses men too.

I have seen many conversations on social media where a teenage boy has been raped by his female teacher, and largely men are suggesting he would have enjoyed it, that they would have loved a teacher like that har har.

So let’s flip the roles. If it was a teenage girl and her older male teacher we would be horrified. Why is it alright for a boy to be raped and not a girl? Toxic masculinity. The idea that men are only motivated by sex, that they all want to be getting it as much as they possibly can from the age of about 12 is toxic masculinity and it’s not right.

So, the big question. How do we fight it? If you are a parent of boys, teach them that all their feelings are valid. Teach them that they’re urges are natural; teach them they can be abused and that they can be sad. Teach them to be accountable, to take responsibility for their behaviour. Teach them that women are wonderful and equal to them. Teach them to judge on merit not gender. Teach them they are emotional beings who are allowed to exist outside of a social construct created to determine their gender.

 

Teach them they’re human.

Toxic Masculinity.JPG

 

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Addiction….not a dirty word

I’ve been wondering what to write about lately. Lots of my blogs are informed by client work or observations I’ve made, or even conversations with friends. This one isn’t so much, but it is something personal to me that feels important to share.

When I decided I wanted to become a therapist, I started out expecting to work within addiction, but as life does, I’ve moved away from that as a particular focus, although I obviously face it in the therapy space fairly regularly, and I welcome it. Here’s why:

Addiction is something that sparks great controversy. Whenever the subject arises, I brace myself for comments that are derogatory, unkind, judgemental, and dismissive. And sadly, I’m usually right to do so.

Addiction is something this country seems to be plagued by. Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, work, fitness, food, whatever, if there’s a dopamine response, you can bet someone who is struggling with emotion will use the activity to supress their emotion.

And that’s what addiction is. It’s avoidance. It would really be better to call it that rather than addiction, so that’s what I’m going to do from now on.

When someone is in avoidance, whatever their substance or behaviour, they can be VERY challenging to be around. It is absolutely your right to put in strict boundaries that meant you aren’t taken advantage of, but it doesn’t mean you have to let go of compassion all together.

If you are in avoidance, it is hard to see, because those behaviours are keeping you SO safe. They help you function day to day, or at least you think they do, and it’s impossible to break out of the behaviour, because you to do so is to face the thing you are avoiding, and that is not only hideously painful, but also incredibly scary.

When in avoidance, everything becomes about maintaining that position. Everything. In avoidance, you heartily swerve anything that may make you look in the mirror to see your pain. In avoidance, you may hurt those around you to maintain that state. Unfortunately, that capitalises on your avoidance, because now you have to avoid the pain and guilt of hurting those you love.

When someone is in avoidance, rather than judging, or directing, or insisting they stop avoiding, perhaps it is more helpful to say you are there when they are ready to face what they are avoiding. Perhaps it is more helpful to ask them how their behaviour is helping them, and to listen to the response with compassion. Perhaps it is about saying ‘I won’t help you avoid, but I will help you heal’.

People in avoidance don’t need to be isolated further, they need to be embraced and sheltered from the storm inside their own bodies. People in avoidance are in pain and their pain needs to be held until they can look at it without wincing. (Please be clear, I am not asking you to suffer for someone else’s pain, you MUST keep yourself safe before anything else.)

I have never met someone in avoidance who hasn’t experienced a horrific trauma, or abuse, or particularly painful bereavement. I haven’t met someone in avoidance who has experienced emotional stability and been given emotional resilience in childhood. Every single person I have met (and there have been a fair few) who is in avoidance does not have the emotional tool kit to deal with the horrors they have experienced.

So please, when you see someone is destroying themselves and those around them with their avoidance, acknowledge their pain, keep yourself safe, don’t enable, but do try and offer them compassion.

Avoidance doesn’t discriminate, nobody is immune.

If you’ve been affected by avoidance, please get in touch with the wonderful Drugfam You can do so by clicking on their page.

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Genuine v Fake Apologies

Okay, so here it is, the blog I’ve been promising on apologies. It’s going to be long, so grab a drink, find a comfy spot and get ready!

Apologies are tricky. Have you ever had someone apologise, but it doesn’t really feel right? Like it’s left you feeling as though somehow they don’t really feel sorry, even though they’ve said they are?

It might be because it was a fake apology.

What makes a genuine apology?

Well, first it starts with ‘I’m sorry’, or ‘I apologise’. Then there should be some expression of remorse. ‘I feel really bad for hurting you’ or ‘I wish I could go back and do it differently’.

Then, there needs to be acceptance of responsibility ‘I shouldn’t have done that, it was unkind of me’ or ‘I should have done things differently, and that’s my fault’.

Then there should be some kind of amend making, ‘I will try and make it up to you to earn your trust and respect back’.

Finally (or so they say) a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

That sounds really simple doesn’t it? Except so often, that’s not how people apologise. When someone is offering a fake apology, none of those steps happen, although it seems like it does, but we are left feeling deflated and defeated, and sometimes guilty for ‘making’ the other person feel bad for their wrongdoing. How on earth does that work!?

How do some people manage to walk away from apologising without actually having apologised, and how do we spot a fake apology?

Well for me, it comes down to four things. Acceptance of responsibility, or lack of, justification, deflection, and behaviour change.

Acceptance of responsibility:

When someone starts their apology with ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’, or ‘that wasn’t my intention’, it’s fake. They aren’t taking responsibility. This can come down to boundaries, after all, I talk all the time about how we aren’t responsible for other people’s feelings, but when we know we’ve screwed up (and we all do it from time to time) we don’t get to tell the other person they aren’t hurt. We acknowledge the pain we’ve caused and we accept what we did was wrong. We don’t make excuses, or turn it back on them, we own our behaviour and we take responsibility for it.

On a side note, sometimes when we are being apologised to, we have to accept responsibility for our part in things too. It can go a long way to help resolving a situation when we offer that to the apologiser. When we can look at a situation and say ‘thank you for your apology, I should have done X differently too’, we are not vindicating someone, but merely showing we know where our part lies.

Justification.

I mentioned not making excuses. That is what’s called justification. When someone starts justifying, I know immediately that they know they’re in the wrong, but they’re incapable of taking responsibility. When ever someone starts an apology with ‘I’m sorry, BUT….’, I know they don’t mean their apology.

When someone uses the word ‘but’, everything before it becomes irrelevant (Name that show 😉 ). When we justify ourselves, we are excusing our behaviour on some flimsy basis. We are exonerating ourselves of responsibility due to external circumstances.

And that is not okay. It is not an apology, it is an excuse for behaviour, and does not go any way to making amends.

Another thing that can happen when someone is making a fake apology is deflection. Deflection is when the apologiser tries to divert attention from their behaviour to another subject. They may raise a past incident where you behaved in a way that upset them. They may even use this deflection as justification. When that happens, I would probably walk away and say ‘until you are ready to focus on the issue at hand, I won’t engage in further discussion’.

Basically by saying that, I’m not allowing the apologiser to shift blame for their behaviour onto me, and I’m not allowing the apologiser to distract me from their behaviour by dragging up past hurts. This only leads to escalation and removes the focus from their wrongdoing. Not okay.

And finally behavioural change. I said at the beginning that the final part of an apology is a promise that the behaviour won’t happen again.

For me, that isn’t enough. It has to be demonstrated. The best form of apology in my opinion is behavioural change. It’s showing how sorry we are by never repeating the thing that caused the hurt in the first place.

If for example, someone says to you, ‘I find it really difficult when you criticise my hair’ (random I know!), you apologise for causing hurt, you admit it wasn’t kind of you, and you never ever criticise their hair again. Ever. Not even once.

And it is that, that change in behaviour, that shows that the apology is genuine, heartfelt, and intentional.

Another thing to remember is how to accept an apology. I always think it’s best to say ‘thank you for your apology’ rather than ‘it’s okay’. That’s because when we say ‘it’s okay’ linguistically it could sound as though we are saying ‘your behaviour was acceptable, you can do it again’. By saying ‘thank you’ we acknowledge and accept the apology with the behavioural boundary in place. Hope I’ve explained that properly, I might come back to it!

Anyway, remember, when someone apologises, they do these things:

1. Start by saying sorry or a variant of.

2. They take responsibility for their part in the incident.

3. They make amends

4. The change their behaviour.

I hope you’ve had a good Christmas, and are looking forward to the New Year. Next Friday, I’m going to do a video on making change and how to stick to it.

As always, take great care, be kind to yourselves,

Helen x

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Why can’t they see the poison?

It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.

Especially in narcissistic families, when the scapegoat realises the parent is abusive it can be isolating and frustrating that others in the same family can’t or won’t acknowledge how unhealthy the behaviour is.

The same applies when someone is in an abusive relationship, and they keep accepting obvious and transparent lies, or emotional or physical abuse, without disengaging from the relationship.

It’s because the unknown, or rather the thought of the unknown is MUCH more terrifying than the current reality, however toxic and abusive it might be.

Adult children on narcissistic parents often ask ‘why can’t my sibling see it? Why do they think it’s okay?’

It’s such a heartfelt question and has so much pain attached to it that it can be overwhelming for the client. Naturally it touches me too.

Here’s the thing. We repeat patterns we know because they’re comfortable. Change is something everyone struggles with, and drastic dramatic change, such as leaving a partner or refusing to be abused in a toxic family system, is terrifying.

How can you help? Don’t judge, allow their process, occasionally notice behaviours you don’t agree with, but refer to self rather than them. When we try and prise someone’s eyes open, they merely shut them more tightly, most likely blocking us out too.

Hold that person in their space, and move at their speed. And when they finally open their eyes, you can be there to help them understand the new way of seeing.

 

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Self Care isn’t just wine and bubble baths…

Tonight, after spending a lovely day with family, driving 2 hours there and back, I stood at my ironing board and faced my least favourite household chore.

I’m not an ironer, I consider myself more of an ‘aggressive folder’, and when the creases finally defeat me, I throw the offending item onto the ironing pile and ignore it for at least 6 weeks. I’m terrible for it.

But tonight, I stood there and ironed everything that’s been waiting for my attention, and as I lamented the curse I had bestowed upon myself, I realised that this was actually my Sunday Self Care.

You see, here’s the thing. This week is manic. Everyday I’m doing something that means my down time is seriously limited, and as such, my down time is going to be crucial. By clearing my washing and ironing pile this weekend; by making sure every item of clothing I need is clean and in the right place, I’m self-caring for future me.

I’ve talked about this before, I know, a brief comment on how I was looking after future me, and here’s why.

Future me has a lot on her plate. Tons of responsibilities, inside and outside of client work. I’m SO lucky to be in that position, but the danger is if I don’t keep a handle on things, I will burn out. I will wake up one morning and the idea of getting up and ready will seem like an Everest task, rather than a molehill. I’m always trying to keep my tasks like molehills.

I’m not always successful, and that’s okay, I do what I can in the moment to help future me, or Wednesday me. For example, on a Thursday, I see clients until 8pm. I then do notes and tidy the room and get home about 9pm. That’s super late, and leaves me little time to chill out before I need to go to bed. So, I cook dinner in the morning, and I make sure I have everything in place, so all I have to do is walk in, eat, and zone out watching re runs of whatever box set I’m bingeing on Netflix.

So ironing on a Sunday night, or cooking dinner on a Thursday morning is self-care. Self care isn’t always a bubble bath and a scented candle, it’s making sure that morning you will thank evening you and vice versa for the job that we didn’t have to do when we were already stretched thin.

So when you think about self care like that, what do you do for future you?

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Suicide Part 2.

Suicide, part two.

When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore. I was describing what I can only describe as honest suicide.

As I wrote it, I knew I was missing a big piece of the story around suicide out, and it made me uncomfortable because it is big, it is vital to talk about it and I knew it was wrong not to bring it up. So here I am.

Very very often, emotional abusers will use suicide as a tactic to manipulate and control. They will threaten it, even attempt it to coerce and convince someone not to leave, because an empathic person will do anything to avoid the feeling of responsibility bestowed on them by the abuser.

Narcissists are well known for suicide attempts. In narcissists, suicide rates are higher than in general population. It’s thought that this is because eventually a narcissist will be ‘found out’, and the level of shame that this exposes them to provokes suicide.

It could however be argued that suicidal ideation is the best defence mechanism in the world for a narcissist/abuser. Because what person would criticise someone recovering from a suicide attempt? When attention is taken from a narcissist they will go to extreme lengths to pull the attention back on to them, including threatening or attempting suicide.

The point of this post is this. Whatever reason someone has for killing themselves, ultimately, that is THEIR choice. It’s the ultimate choice really, and their right to execute it with free will. I know there are legal situations where people have been pushed and provoked into suicide, so I exclude those.

We all have a responsibility for the choices we make, and choosing suicide lies entirely with that person.

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Suicide Part One.

I want to talk about suicide. It seems so current that I really feel like I need to voice some thoughts about it. I also suspect I’m saying something controversial that may not be well received. But I know those who are suicidal will relate to this, and I hope they will be grateful to be recognised, so this is for them.

There’s a comment I’ve heard SO many times around suicide that I find so deeply misguided and misunderstanding of what it means to suicidal that it feels important to correct it.

‘Suicide is SO selfish’.

No. Just no.

Suicide is not selfish; in the mind of the victim it is selfLESS.

People with suicidal thoughts and feelings often feel like they are a burden on everyone around them. Not just bothering people, but a millstone around the neck of every single person they’re in contact with, and an obelisk for those who love them.

When someone famous (or not) dies by suicide, we often hear how those around them had no idea how low they were. Sure, they had been fighting depression, but she/he had seemed so positive recently. How they were happy and smiling merely hours before. That they never complained and no one would ever have known they were suicidal.

That’s possibly because they didn’t want to increase the burden they perceived themselves to be. Or sometimes when the decision is made to complete suicide the person finds relief and is relieved of their own burden and so is at peace knowing their own suffering and the perceived suffering of others around them will be over soon.

It is never ever a selfless act. It is never done because you weren’t good enough. It is more likely they thought you were TOO good for them. Too good to be imposed upon by them in any way shape or form.

You and I both know they’re wrong, but for them it’s an absolute truth. Suicide is not selfish. It hurts those around them. It causes untold damage on those who love them, but my experience shows me that it is an act of horribly misguided kindness on those they wish to free from the burden of their own pain.

I’m not advocating suicide. Merely suggesting that we have to stop and look at the people around us. There are constant messages that someone who is suicidal should reach out and ask for help. How can they possibly? How can someone who feels like a huge 50 ton weight on people ask to add more weight?

We have to look up and really see those around us. Check in with people. Ask ‘how are you feeling?’ Because when you ask ‘are you ok?’ There’s an unintended agenda for the response to be yes. Leave space for someone to share their true thoughts.

You may have notice I have not said ‘commit suicide’. That’s intentional. Suicide is no longer a crime and for families where suicide exists there’s a stigma attached to the word ‘commit’, so therapeutic parlance excludes that word. We now either say ‘killed themselves’, ‘completed suicide’, or ‘died by suicide’. It both removes the dismissiveness and criminal element attached to suicidal actions.

All this being said. If you’re feeling suicidal here are some contact details for various areas. Please feel free to message me and I will do what I can to find you help nearby. You will NOT be a burden on me. Suicide is often very present in my therapy room. And I welcome it in and sit with it comfortably. You are not alone. Please share this post. Without being overly dramatic; it may save a life.

Argentina: +5402234930430

Australia: 131114

Austria: 017133374

Belgium: 106

Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05

Botswana: 3911270

Brazil: 212339191

Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)

Croatia: 014833888

Denmark: +4570201201

Egypt: 7621602

Finland: 010 195 202

France: 0145394000

Germany: 08001810771

Holland: 09000767

Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000

Hungary: 116123

India: 8888817666

Ireland: +4408457909090

Italy: 800860022

Japan: +810352869090

Mexico: 5255102550

New Zealand: 045861048

Norway: +4781533300

Philippines: 028969191

Poland: 5270000

Russia: 0078202577577

Spain: 914590050

South Africa: 0514445691

Sweden: 46317112400

Switzerland: 143

United Kingdom: 08457909090

USA: 18002738255

#suicide #suicideawareness #suicideprevention #itsokaynottobeokay #therapy #counselling

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Telling the truth….

The most frustrating thing for children of narcissists is represented in this image.

Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.

One of the questions on the AMA was ‘how can a family look so perfect from the outside, but be so toxic inside?’.

The truth of the toxicity is most fragile in those first few moments when the light begins to dawn on the hideous landscape you’ve been living in. There is a huge amount of self doubt, questioning, denial, minimalising and fear. The sense that things aren’t right but the fear of what it will mean to acknowledge that. The instinct is to hide. Pretend it isn’t real, and squash the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface. The cost of acceptance is so high it’s unfathomable. The potential loss of family, the scope of relearning, the inevitable pain and anger around this new fragile knowledge starts to take hold.

Imagine being in that position and trying to make sense of it. Imagine not knowing what’s real and what isn’t, whether your motivations, desires, pleasures are yours or theirs, how much you’ve missed out on because of their conditioning, rules, control. And then trying to tell someone.

Someone who responds ‘ah but your mum/dad are lovely’. Or ‘yeah but all parents are difficult’, or ‘well, it’s not that bad, they didn’t beat you or anything’.

Can you imagine? The dismissal? The dismissal of your emotion, much like has been done to you historically by your parent? The reinforced message of ‘don’t question us, we are your parents?’ The confirmation that once again you’re overreacting, over emotional, over sensitive.

That’s why it’s so hard to convince people. It’s not tangible. It’s constant messages of not being good enough, not meeting impossible expectations, not being helped, supported, loved unconditionally. The narcissist plays the perfect parent in public, only to make the child pay behind closed doors.

Convincing someone might need lists, of behaviours, of incidents, of conditioning, of criteria the parent meets. You may need to arm yourself, but you may find that someone is so well defended they can’t hear, because they are not ready to breathe yet. That’s on them. Not you.

It is not your job to convince someone of your truth. It is your job to know it.

If someone tells you their parent was difficult, simply respond with ‘I’m sorry, would you like to tell me more?’

Give space to people to find their feet in the new world, free from the fear of judgement or question.

You’ll be giving them a massive gift ❤️

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Anger.

Let’s talk about anger for a minute. I hear people saying ‘don’t be angry!’, ‘don’t make me angry!’ ‘I don’t want him to be angry with me!’.What I’m hearing there is an avoidance of anger. We are conditioned as a society to avoid and suppress anger ALL THE TIME.

Guess what?

That makes me angry!!

We are taught that anger is an emotion to be feared and avoided; that we must hold it in and avoid provoking it in other people. Sometimes we are taught it’s makes us or someone else looks silly. We are taught that anger is bad. Well I don’t think it is.

Anger is a really healthy and valid emotion, and one it’s important to make peace with because suppressed anger manifests in other ways, from anxiety, depression, self harm, addiction, eating disorders and many other psychopathologies. The avoidance and dismissal of anger is incredibly unhealthy, so it’s REALLY important to get in touch with our own anger, and understand what anger in other people provokes in us.

Apart from the damage internalised anger can do to our mental health, there’s another very good reason too.

Anger is often used by abusers to manipulate and control people into doing things they want them to do. Anger is used to provoke fear in others allowing the abuser to maintain a position of authority and dominance.

Anger is used by bullies in the same way.

Anger is set up to be a very powerful emotion, whereas, in fact, it’s not much different from any other emotion. One of the difficulties with anger is that we fear what we might do when angry, when the red mist comes down, we can’t control ourselves, and that seems scary. What if I told you that anger issues come from suppressing anger? That I believe that people who lose control in anger are doing so because they haven’t processed a root cause to their anger and so project it elsewhere and everywhere they see a trigger.

So how do we make peace with anger (oooo I love an oxymoron!)

Think back to when you were little. What happened in your family when you got angry? How did they react? Did they embrace it? Did they say they understood why you were so angry? Or did they dismiss it, looking at you as silly, mocking you, telling you you had no right to be angry?

When we understand the family narrative around an emotion we can start reframing it to a place we want it to be, and make friends with it.

The first thing to remember about anger that it is always a mask for another emotion. It is a defence emotion that helps us in survival mode to fight flight or freeze (or any of the other ‘f’s’).

So when we are trying to make friends with anger, we have to look carefully underneath it to see what’s actually going on.

Think back to a time you got angry. Perhaps you were overlooked for a promotion that you had been working really hard towards and now you’re angry that you haven’t got it. Why are you angry? Because it’s unfair? Because you’ve worked so hard? Or because it’s a rejection, and rejection hurts? Because it’s embarrassing to have been turned down and all your colleagues know? Because it feels shameful and humiliating to be left where you are and someone else chosen above you? (Which is ultimately rejection)

Once you know those feelings, you can start looking at them. How do you experience justice? Or more importantly, rejection?

If you are the opposite and find it difficult to connect with anger, try thinking about where anger sits in your body, and if it moves or grows as it gets stronger.

If you’re creative, try drawing it, give it a shape, colour, texture, size. If you don’t want to draw, describe it in writing. Tell the story of your anger and how you feel about being angry.

Find power in your anger. Not in a way to dominate or control, but in a healthy appropriate place where your anger helps you find your true feelings, and helps you set boundaries with others, because after all, it’s all about the boundaries!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this,

Helen

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