Tag: emotions

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You made it. HNY 2021

So here we are at the end of 2020.

It’s been an absolute rollercoaster, and I think most of us have got through it by clinging to each other, and perhaps by letting go of some.

Personally I’ve got through it by trying to keep as many things as ‘normal’ as possible. Trying to focus on the things I can control and allowing the things I can’t to continue through my brain without giving them too much space.

I made a very active decision to focus on the good that this situation has bought out in people. The kindness people have shown, and the support of those who are struggling. It hasn’t always been easy, there has been a global conversation that focuses on the negative and sometimes I got hooked into that, but I recognised the impact it was having on me, so I pulled myself out of it and focused on the things in front of me.
My family, and the joy they bring, my friends and the support they give, my clients and the growth and resilience they show, and my volunteer group which is always overflowing with kindness.

Of course there have been lost opportunities, lost dreams along the way this year, and far too much change for someone who isn’t the fondest of unexpected change 😉

And it’s okay to feel and grieve those things.

And if all you’ve done this year is make it to the next moment, then celebrate that. You have more strength and courage than anyone will ever understand. You are amazing.

A while ago I posted about how never before have therapists experienced the same thing at the same time as their clients, and how that shared experience has bought a depth to relationships I haven’t experienced before. Not because previous relationships weren’t deep and special, but because shared traumatic experiences either break or bond us, and it seems in this instance, it has bonded.

It has been a year filled with all sorts of emotions. Fear, anxiety, hatred, anger, joy, pride, hope, love. So if you are sitting on this last day of 2020, wondering what on earth there is to celebrate, being here today is enough. You’ve made it. You got here, you coped, you asked for help when you needed it, and maybe you didn’t but you helped someone else to help you too. You’ve focused on what your immediate need is. You’ve juggled, decided, changed your mind, decided again, and possibly changed your mind again, and that’s totally okay.

If you have lost someone this year, please take my sincerest condolences. This has been the very very worst year to experience loss I should think.

So with the end of 2020, I want to say thank you for your support throughout the year. It has meant a huge amount to me to have this space to share and support others and to receive your support too. Thank you.

But most of all, I want to say this:

Congratulations for making it to today, however the hell you got here.

nye2020 #madeit

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Frog in boiling water – why we stay in abusive relationships so long.

Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I see it until now? How could I have done this to myself and my children?

These are the questions I hear from abuse survivors ALL. THE. TIME.

They blame themselves for being abused. They take responsibility for the behaviour of their abuser. They carry soul crushing guilt for exposing their children to their abuser, as if somehow they could control it.

So here’s the answer to that question. The frog in the boiling water story.

If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump straight out. It will escape immediately.

If you put a frog into cold water and turn the gas on, even as the water warms, boils and burns him, he doesn’t attempt to leave. He doesn’t notice that he’s literally being killed yet has the ability to escape at any time.

And that’s what it’s like in an abusive relationship. If you went on a first date, and the person you were with punched you, (whether provoked or not), it’s highly likely you wouldn’t ever see them again. You may even call the police. You would more than likely tell your friends and loved ones what they had done. But you wouldn’t for a second think it was your fault. Or at least, I hope you wouldn’t.

So now lets think about two years of relationship. Two years of being drip fed comments about how lucky you are they love you because no one else would ever put up with you. Two years of shared experiences. Two years of being trauma bonded through love bombing and withdrawal. Two years of being told you’re the best thing that ever happened to them, and two years of being chipped away at, niggled, nagged, belittled, put on a pedestal, taken off it, worshipped, raged against. Two years of a war waged against your self-esteem and autonomy.

And then they punch you.

And then they blame you.

And then they promise you they won’t ever do it again.

And somehow they become the victim for hitting you.

And you don’t know who to tell. You don’t know how to leave. You think it’s your fault. You think you deserve it.

And maybe they don’t do something as tangible as hit you. They ‘just’ dominate, control, threaten to leave, worship, idolise, shower with affection, scream at, buy presents for, put you down, pull you up.

They emotionally abuse you to the point you don’t even know if you like your steak done rare or well, you don’t even know if you LIKE steak! Weren’t you a vegetarian before you met them?

Your autonomy is lost. Your sense of self is gone. Your confidence in tatters. You don’t know how to exist without the push pull of the relationship, because you’re the frog in the water that’s been heating for the last two years.

That’s why we stay in abusive relationships. That’s why we don’t question that which surrounds us. That’s why people looking in from the outside are so horrified and perhaps so judgemental. Because if they walked into the relationship where you are right now, they would jump straight out.

Those who have lived it for the two years can’t see it. It isn’t until something finally breaks through the fog, that we can see the light. And even then we are still at risk. Because the trauma bond provokes the same chemical reactions in our brain as heroin addiction. And we all know how devastating that is. The pain of clearing the fog is more unbearable than the fog itself, and so we allow it to envelop us again.

So next time you are beating yourself up for someone else’s abuse of you/behaviour, remember that poor frog not noticing his water boiling around him. We are not responsible for the behaviour of others. Our responsibility only lies in helping ourselves understand why we ignored the behaviours that trapped us. And that takes a lot of work, a lot of therapy, and a lot of pain.

With that in mind, when you next share the hashtag #bekind, remember this:

That #bekind movement really needs to start with yourself.

Take care, stay safe, and if possible, stay home.
Helen x

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.

There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.

Society is shifting towards an understanding and awareness of mental health issues and conditions. There’s a growing acceptance that people struggle emotionally in all kinds of ways and as such we should still our judgement and increase our compassion and tolerance.

And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It’s amazing. It warms my heart and I’m so grateful that we are starting to normalise it.

But there’s a but.

What can get mixed up in that is that toxic behaviour can be assigned to mental illness. And it’s just not true. Lots of people have depression or anxiety, and aren’t toxic. However in narcissism, it is toxic behaviour that characterises the condition.

Here’s the thing. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know how to ‘play’ you. They know how to create the trauma bond. They know what their manipulative behaviours do to you.

They cannot be excused their abusive behaviours on the ground of their mental illness because they KNOW. (I have research to back this up if anyone wants the article name)

When we know we are using an unhealthy behaviour, even if it’s something that we’ve been using to survive emotionally, we have a responsibility to correct that behaviour.

Back in the day I did a law degree. In criminal law, the defence of innocent by reason of insanity is only upheld when a person is unaware that what they’ve done is wrong. So for example, when someone murders someone else and hides the body, the act of hiding the body indicates they knew what they had done is wrong.

If they know what they’re doing they’re responsible.

Narcissism is borne from extreme abuse, neglect or smothering, where a child has to develop the idea that they are okay in the world for themselves because their parent doesn’t mirror that for them. To survive they develop narcissism. That isn’t their fault. But it is their responsibility.

What I’m trying to say is that you can hold people accountable for toxic manipulative abusive behaviour, even if they have a mental health issue.

Because the first time they do it might be about survival, but if they don’t take responsibility and they don’t change the behaviour, it’s toxic. End of.

You do not have to tolerate abuse because there is a mental illness. ❤️

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DNA doesn’t equal a right to abuse.

You do not have to tolerate abuse or toxicity from anyone. ESPECIALLY those you share DNA with.

In fact. I would offer that rather than being more ready to ‘forgive’ someone from your blood family, perhaps they should have to work harder to earn your presence and trust.

Because it is within the bonds of blood where we are supposed to feel safest, most loved, most accepted, most wanted, and most needed. And when someone betrays that bond, it is a much deeper betrayal than that from someone whom you aren’t related to. After all. Those we love the most hurt us the most.

To be loved is a huge power and privilege, and therefore should be revered and respected. To not do so demonstrates the character of a person.

So put your boundaries in. Keep yourself safe. Don’t accept anything that doesn’t make you feel valued and accepted.

DNA doesn’t give someone the right to abuse you.

Blood doesn’t offer a gateway to toxicity.

And Boundaries are enforceable against everyone.

Whatever their position in your life ❤️

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Good enough is good enough

Raising kids is really really hard.

There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly, not to mention an attempt to retain some identity other than X’s Mummy.

So here are a few things I want to tell you about attachment theory:

If they cry when you leave, it’s a good thing. If they come to you when you return it’s a great thing.

The best thing we can do for our children is go away and come back. When they are old enough (6months plus perhaps) to understand; we mind map for them, explain what we are doing and why and that we would rather be with them and will be back as soon as we can.

Validate and mirror their emotions, reassure and listen and we build a secure attachment style.

Winnicott said that the good enough mother was good enough, and another statistic shows we only need to get it right 32% of the time to establish a secure attachment in our child.

Good enough means showing your children that mistakes are permissible.

Good enough means setting an achievable bar.

Good enough means allowing opportunity to model apologies and responsibility.

Good enough means empowering children by letting them question authority without fear.

Good enough means modelling acceptance of the fallibility of each and every human being including themselves.

Good enough fosters healthy boundaries and good self awareness, protecting mental health and relationships.

Good enough is good enough and gives everyone a break, especially the parent.

Ultimately what I’m saying is this.

Relax
Reassure
Validate
Mirror
Retreat
Return.

And your babies will be just fine ❤️

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bereavement

The gift of Emotional Space

Oh this.

My family has experienced what could be described as more than our fair share of bereavement.

It never fails to amaze me that people seem scared to mention their names in case they upset me. I understand that, but actually, I would rather talk about them and be upset and share the pain of missing them than bottle it up and only share my memories with myself.

So please. If you know someone bereaved, allow them this space and gift. Allow them to direct it. If they don’t want to talk about it that’s totally fine and up to them but there is such freedom and warmth in being able to share the joy of knowing someone you loved, painful as that might be ❤️

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The complementary moral defence.

The Complementary Moral Defence

Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection. That when someone has a problem with the narcissist’s behaviour, it is THEIR problem, not that of the narcissist.

It can be the most frustrating thing about interacting with a narcissist, they never accept responsibility, they devalue, discard, and smear the criticiser, and deflect from the main issue.

As adults that is hard enough to deal with, but what happens when that happens in a parent child relationship?

The child of a narcissistic parent develops something called ‘the complementary moral defence’.

Now hang on in there, this is going to get a bit technical, but I’ll do my best to keep it accessible!!

Daniel Shaw describes it thus:

‘the assertion on the part of the parent…usually implicit, and sometimes explicit, that one owns exclusive rights to “the goodness” …and the child therefore is the locus of any “badness” that arises.

The complementary moral defence is an intrapersonal response from someone in an interpersonal relationship with an abuser. In my instance, I’m applying it to the relationship between the child and the narcissistic parent. This is because, in this situation, it becomes a conditioned response to every relationship where someone disagrees with said child.

What happens is this. When a child is raised by a narcissist, they are not allowed to criticise or reject the narcissistic parent’s personality, behaviour or need. As the narcissist believes they are the whole of all things good, they will refuse and deflect any responsibility around wrongdoing, in whatever format that might take.

When we are children, our parents are meant to represent a secure base from which to explore the world. A place of safety to which we can retreat if scared or unsure about our surroundings and relationships. This is called attachment. The attachment relationship is the most precious and idealised thing for a child. They will go to any and all lengths to maintain it, including accepting responsibility for all that is wrong in a relationship, which is what happens in the narcissistic parent/child relationship.

And that is what the complementary moral defence is. It is where a child will understand that in order to avoid rupturing their attachment with their narcissistic parent, they must hold ALL that is bad or wrong in the interpersonal relationship, and as such internalise the idea that they are fundamentally flawed and broken.

They then take this belief and translate it to all the relationships they experience moving forward, until they have a huge amount of therapy and understand that it isn’t possible for only one person to be bad, and that relationships are co-created, and that parents are fallible humans, and in fact parents need to recognise and own their own flaws before projecting them onto their child, as a matter of urgency, and children don’t understand the shades of grey around ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as adults do.

The complementary moral defence carries with it an omnipotent power over the emotions of others, where the sufferer will believe they have an unrealistic influence over how others think, feel and behave, because they have been told repeatedly sentences that start with the words ‘you make me……’

The adult child with this symptom of narcissistic abuse will struggle to say no to others, to hold others accountable for negative behaviour, and will feel huge guilt when they try and assert their need over someone else’s. They will need reassurance and support above that of someone who hasn’t experienced this, and will also feel guilt and shame for this too.

It’s hideous. The impact of this reaches into all other relationships, and makes the sufferer vulnerable to other abusers, believing them when they say ‘it’s your fault, you made me do it’.

Breaking out of this behaviour requires therapy, and thought challenging techniques. It requires the unpicking of learned messages and behaviours, and painful realisation that the parent wasn’t perfect at all, but possibly more flawed than most.

It’s painful, it’s shocking, but holy moly it’s healing. By unpicking, it allows the establishment of boundaries, and a relief from the omnipotent power and responsibility over others.

Ultimately, it’s worth it.

Any questions?
H

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Mental Health Awareness Week. Month. Year. Lifetime.

So it’s mental health awareness week. I’ve been thinking about what I can post to be part of this worldwide movement, but I’ve been really struggling. And speaking to someone earlier today has helped me clarify why.

It’s because it seems so reductive to draw attention to an international, perpetual crisis for a week. One week of 52 we hear media outlets championing the causes of those struggling with mental illness.

For one week the spotlight is shone on those whose battle is never ending and brushed aside or away altogether, not given the funding or support it needs to help them exist in equity with those that don’t struggle.

And that’s not okay!

Sure, there are plenty of you wonderful people who share posts and photos regularly to show you are supportive and inclusive, and for that I thank you.

Here’s my biggest problem with it all though.

There is almost like a disinfectant affect around mental illnesses.

Because it seems to me when mental illness doesn’t come in a nice little package, we don’t know what to do with it.

When someone with depression uses substances to self medicate, suddenly they become an addict, they become ‘untreatable’ and ‘deserve’ what they get.

When someone with schizophrenia stands shouting at cars, half naked in the snow, they get laughed at and mocked, shoved in a police van, or abandoned to themselves altogether.

When someone with Emotional Dysregulation Disorder (formerly borderline personality disorder) attempts suicide ‘half heartedly’ they are attention seeking and pathetic.

When someone with attachment disorder sends one too many texts looking for reassurance and support they are labelled ‘psycho as and ‘crazy’.

But THAT’s the reality.

Mental Health isn’t just anxiety and depression, as crippling and dangerous as they are, it’s bigger than that, and we HAVE to accept that someone exhibiting behaviour that isn’t ‘normal’ isn’t crazy, psycho, attention seeking, skanky, or mad.

They are struggling.

So please. This mental health awareness week. Educate yourself and remember not being okay comes in many many forms. And don’t stop campaigning for better support, access and facilities for those who need it. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, everyone is at risk.

Be kind to yourselves, and each other

H ❤️

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Be kind to yourself…

YES. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter if anyone has it worse, (in your eyes) or it could be worse, or it’s over with or any other reason you might find to minimise your experience.

Emotional events are HARD. There is no ‘should’ to how you feel, how long you have felt, how long you feel that way, how you experience your emotions. You feel what you feel, and that’s okay.

As always however, there’s a boundary where we have to recognise where we’ve been triggered and perhaps our feelings are being amplified. That’s what therapy and increased self awareness helps with. Knowing our experiences and triggers helps us process emotion and understand it too

We also have to take responsibility for those triggers and responses. Recognise that sometimes we are feeling the way we feel because we have projected emotion from a past event onto a present one, and own it.

And the final boundary is recognising when we are in victim role, and making sure that we don’t use pain and experiences to excuse and justify our behaviours.

If you remember the drama triangle/winners triangle, the healthy role in the place of the victim role is ‘resourced’. So taking responsibility for your own emotional response and increasing your self awareness, so that when we are holding other people responsible for our emotions we realise that we have power and responsibility within that too.

Ultimately though, with the caveat of responsibility around triggers and processes, your emotions are valid, your pain is true and you’re allowed to struggle with it.

Be kind to yourself ❤️

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Strict parent v Boundaried Parent

This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.

Rather than creating a human who is able to know themselves, know their self worth, use their voice, trust those in authority and most importantly turn to their parent in times of difficulty; they create a hyper vigilant person. A person who lives in survival mode terrified of stepping a foot out of line but who has no idea where that line is.

They create someone who internalises and hides their thoughts and feelings, especially when they contradict those of a parent. They create someone who relies on other people to tell them they are ‘good enough’ rather than knowing it within their own core belief system.

They value the beliefs, emotions, needs of others before their own. And that requires a TON of therapy to overcome.

Don’t get me wrong. Boundaries in parenting are vital. But there’s a huge difference between telling a child what their boundaries should be, and allowing them to develop and discover their own.

Helping children develop boundaries starts when they’re tiny. Allowing them to make choices and to say no to their caregiver. Allowing them to say what they need and hearing and considering it before accepting or rejecting it.

That also means modelling good boundaries for them too. Showing them what it is to have and to hold a boundary around self worth/respect/esteem allows them the knowledge that they can do the same too.

By doing so we can teach our children to leave us, and to do so with a knowledge they will be okay in the world.

Equipping children with roots and wings is the most important thing parents can do.

By giving a child autonomy, the courage to leave the comfort of home, and the knowledge of their place being held there is the greatest gift you can give a child.

And we achieve that through minding our own boundaries and teaching them to find theirs too.

❤️

C89D3D20-4F4E-47D2-8C60-666AEA8324FE

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Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.

I love the words in this image, because we repeat what we know even if that means ending up in abusive situations.

The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.

Narcissistic parents create a world view, and as such will repeatedly tell their children that the childhood they had was amazing. And of course the children believe them.

Whenever someone tells me their childhood was perfect, I’m always wary. My spidey senses flare. And so far they’ve been right.

The problem is that you don’t know any different. You’ve been taught that everything the narcissistic parent has said and done, or the way they treat you or expect you to behave is completely normal. And because a lot of narcissistic abuse doesn’t involve physical abuse in the ‘traditional’ sense, a child doesn’t know the way they are being treated is wrong. We don’t get taught about emotional abuse in schools.

As a child you have no other point of reference, so whilst you might not have liked it very much, and maybe even rebelled against it now and again (or a lot!) you will have been taught that YOU are the problem. Nobody else, just you.

And so children of narcissists come to view themselves as fundamentally flawed and that they are lucky if anyone loves them at all, even if that love is abusive.

It’s called ‘the complementary moral defence’, and means the child of the narcissist has to absorb all the wrong in the relationship so as to maintain the attachment, because if challenged the narcissist will withdraw their ‘love’ as a punishment. To a child that isolation is catastrophic.

That complementary moral defence plays out over and over again in other relationships as the child grows, ultimately establishing itself in the adult love relationship.

It leaves children of narcissists vulnerable to abusive relationships and it’s why it’s SO important to understand all the ways in which you’ve been affected and educate yourself around all the different behaviours.

And that’s where hope lies. Because on the other side of that understanding and education are healthy relationships, self respect, self worth, self LOVE, self esteem, boundaries and so many other positive affects.

Going through and weeding out every unhealthy behaviour attributed to you is the only way to be free of the pattern but oh my goodness it’s worth it.

I watch clients go through this process and blossom into their true selves and it’s magical to see.

Be kind in the process, but process ❤️

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Valuing the right person

🙌🏼❤️

I read this and thought YES!!! Exactly! And then something niggled. And as I’ve learned to do, I stopped and let the niggle grow. Instead of squishing it down I listened.

And here’s what that was about.

When we allow our worth to be determined by others, it will never be enough. Constantly looking to or for others to recognise our worth disempowers us and empowers those around us.

Particularly when there are those struggling with their own insecurities and issues they might hide by behaving in a way that belittles and demeans us.

And so whilst the first part of this statement is true, and we should forget trying to be enough for those who won’t ever value us; and even though the second part is true too, it’s not someone else who gets to say you at your worst is enough.

Measuring our self worth using someone else’s barometer means we don’t always know what the temperature is. We don’t know how we are doing and we are using someone else’s tool to know ourselves.

So make sure that the right person is measuring your self worth, because they hold the key to your confidence, self esteem and resilience.

Make sure that the person measuring you at your worst knows that your flaws are what make you imperfectly perfect. Your down days only serve to feed your up days. Your needs, desires, loves and dislikes are all what makes up the wonderful uniqueness of you.

Make sure that person measuring you sees that you are more than so called positive character attributes, and that sometimes your ‘weaknesses’ facilitate your greatest strengths. For example, your depression or anxiety might make some people stigmatise you, but those things enable huge compassion, kindness and empathy for others.

Make sure that the person measuring you recognised that your bent to impatience is what drives you being the person to get something done, and your pedantry means you never miss a train/plane/automobile.

Make sure the person measuring you understand that to measure you is to know that nothing about you stands in isolation. You are a sum of all parts and the sum adds up to a whole.

Make sure they truly see you. Because the only the right person can do all those things. Only they can see the whole picture.

And guess what? Spoiler alert!

The right person is you.

#therapy #selfworth #loveyourself

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Divorce isn’t failure. It’s success.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Not for me, but for a couple of people nearby.

The word I hear so often when it comes to the end of a relationship is ‘failure’.

What?!?

The WHOLE relationship was a failure?

I can’t believe that, because you would never have married them or stayed with them this long.

A relationship hasn’t failed because it’s ended. It’s just ended. We can be so quick to mark something failed because it’s ended. Even businesses or being fired from a job. We forget to look at all the good things that happened up until that point. We forget that there’s two people (typically) in a relationship and BOTH are responsible for making it work.

Any kind of relationship, whether romantic or otherwise does not depend solely on one person to invest in, aside from the first few years of parenting I suppose.

The end of something does not deem it a failure. Where you have chosen to leave a marriage or relationship because you are no longer happy, loved, cherished and having needs met, you haven’t failed.

In my opinion you’ve succeeded.

You’ve stood up and demanded more for yourself. You’ve recognised your self worth, your value and your needs.

You have empowered yourself to lift your head from the sand and look at what’s wrong and if it’s salvageable and you have faced the brutal reality that it isn’t. You are looking change square in the eye, something every single person I’ve met dislikes to one degree or another, (it’s to do with evolution but that’s another post!) and asked it to enter your life.

You’ve stepped out of a comfort zone and into a wilderness of break up, with all the financial insecurity, change in living situation that brings.

You’ve relinquished an uncomfortable comfort and acknowledged that rubbing along or moments of good isn’t enough, and that being single is better than being partnered.

If that doesn’t make you the one of the bravest badasses in the world I don’t know what will.

And you may be reading this blog thinking I didn’t choose it, they did. This doesn’t apply to me. I’m the one rejected. I don’t want to step out of the comfort zone, it was forced upon me and I don’t know what I did wrong etc.

Let me tell you this. If that’s you, if you are nursing rejecting and wounding, if you have been blindsided by a break up; you are the biggest badass that existed. Because you have been forced into a period of hurt and healing, but more importantly reflection. Looking at the relationship for clues of the intention. Was everything as rosy as you thought or were there signs?

And you’re going to face those questions, and they’re going to hurt potentially, but you know what? You’re going to rise up knowing you deserve more. You deserve value and you deserve to be cherished too.

We all do.

Of course this isn’t a black and white subject, but with all relationship breakdowns, we have to look at our own behaviour and be honest with ourselves. What can we learn from it? What can we take forward into a new relationship and what can we leave behind? Do we need to go to therapy to understand our relational patterns so we don’t repeat a cycle? What change must we implement?

For me, the end of your relationship isn’t a failure. It has the potential to be the greatest success you’ve ever known.

Take care

H x

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Autistic Traits – Social Interaction. Part 2 of 3.

Me again! So yesterday I posted about the behaviours that might be considered autistic traits and how you can help accommodate them and help the autistic person. Today’s blog is about social interaction and how that impacts an autistic person.

As yesterday, please remember that within the diagnosis of autism, every single person is unique and may present in a different way.

As far as I can understand and see, social interaction is one of the biggest issues for autistic people. There’s often a belief that autistic people like to be alone, and don’t care whether they have friends, but that couldn’t be further from the truth for many.

Being able to relate to others is considered one of the most important factors when developing an emotionally healthy and meaningful life, so what happens when you find relating really hard?

Loneliness, confusion, isolation, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, low self-esteem and more.

So by understanding the following traits, you might be able to be a better friend/partner/colleague/parent to an autistic person.

  1. Non-verbal communication.

Neuro typical have this magic way of communicating by looking at each other. They can tell if someone is happy, angry, sad, disappointed, just by the way in which someone’s facial features are arranged.

Autistic people often can’t do that. Which makes life VERY hard, when someone makes a comment, and there is an implied context held within facial features! So when someone says something that seems mean but is actually sarcastic, the autistic person just hears mean. Or a deadpan/dry sense of humour can leave an autistic person feeling bewildered because they take it seriously.

The neuro typical non-verbal communication can be extremely confusing, and leave an autistic person feeling excluded, humiliated and stupid.

To help an autistic person, try avoiding being sarcastic, or being so over the top with the delivery they find it easy to interpret. If you’re in conversation and notice someone struggling to understand context, don’t draw attention to it, but perhaps make a joke ‘oh John, you’re so sarcastic sometimes!’. That way you will have communicated what’s happening to the autistic person without shaming them.

  1. Social Filters

Neuro Typical people have these inbuilt filters that allow them to function in social situations by filtering out the noise and environment, read the non verbal communication, and know when and what to say.

This is something Autistic people can really struggle with. They can be very straightforward, to the point of rudeness, although they won’t understand they’re being rude. (There’s a whole side bar here about empathy and the difference between cognitive and relative empathy, but that’s a different blog!!)

They can also get very overwhelmed by all the noise and lights surrounding them as we saw in the first blog, and so have a hard time focusing on the important parts of the conversation. This overwhelm can and often does lead to meltdown. In fact it’s also another reason autistic people can often struggle with executive function.

It’s long been understood that if you say to an autist ‘go upstairs, to room C, get the papers about the ground work from Sally, take them to Bob so he can read them and sign them off and then come back down and do 50 copies of this paperwork on drainage’ they will be totally overwhelmed, will be unlikely to complete all the tasks, and may get triggered into meltdown.

It would be more helpful to say ‘room C, Papers from Sally, give to Bob. 50 copies of this paperwork’.

See how much unnecessary information I’ve filtered for them? Even better, would be only giving one or two tasks at a time, and even better than that would be to ASK them what they need/can cope with.

When socialising with an autist, try to be as straightforward as possible. If they say something you consider rude, perhaps quietly explain to them what they said and why it was rude.

It is filters that can also prevent autists to be able to feel comfortable in a group situation, and as such means they can be very overwhelmed trying to follow lots of different conversational threads.

If you notice this happening for someone, perhaps suggest a breath of fresh air, or maybe just talk to them for a moment so they don’t have to battle to join in the group.

  1. Rules

Ahhh rules. Well. Rules are here to keep us safe aren’t they, and due to the black and white thinking of the autistic brain, some autists can be VERY rule abiding and find it very difficult when someone around them breaks the rules. In children this can be particularly difficult, because you’re not the most popular person if you tell on others every time they commit a small infraction. In adults the same applies.

It’s difficult to say how to help someone in this instance, perhaps it’s about telling them they don’t need to worry about it because it won’t affect them, maybe it’s showing them that there are shades of grey in some rules, or maybe it’s just saying ‘yes you’re right, but it might make it more difficult for you if you tell someone else’.

Perhaps showing an autist the consequence of their own response helps them start to understand why it’s best to leave things alone.

  1. Social cues.

I’ve already talked about non-verbal communication, but this can go a bit further into social cues. The autist may struggle to know when you are bored of the conversation, meaning they don’t know when to stop talking, they can’t read a room, or know when they shouldn’t say a specific thing.

Being very clear with them, about your own needs, gently, explicitly but not unkindly can help them feel more secure with you and their ability to relate to you.

I’ve waffled on for ages now, so feel I should stop writing, even though I feel like I’ve missed out REAMS of stuff (sorry if you’re reading that and feel I’ve missed something vital, just pop it in the comments below!) but before I do I want to share this. Autistic people often struggle to form and maintain meaningful relationships, particularly friendships. This is thought to be largely due to the way in which they communicate socially, for all the reasons I’ve given above.

For me, that says, just as an autist is starting to feel safe and secure with someone, they trip up socially and are excluded/rejected.

Repeatedly. Every few years.

So if I can ask you anything at the end of this mammoth blog, it would be this. If you are upset or exhausted or struggling with someone socially who is possibly autistic, please talk to them and tell them. Explain clearly what you need to change so they can meet that need without feeling like they are foundering in the dark.

As ever, just, very simply, be kind.

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Autism Awareness – Behaviour

Hello!
So as I said yesterday on facebook, I wanted to run a series of blogs about Autism to raise awareness and understanding. Today’s blog is all about the traits we commonly see in autistic people, and how we can help people who face these challenges living in a world which is dominated by neuro typical thinking.
Autism is a wide condition (I struggle with the label disorder, as I think, especially for those classed as ‘high functioning’, it is largely a different way of operating and experiencing in the world, and on top of that, the word disorder implies it can be cured, which it can’t) and as such, the first thing to note is that everyone who exhibits autistic traits will be unique within their presentation. Not all people who have diabetes have the same problems, and the same can be said for autistic people.
So what are the autistic traits? Well, it might be easier to break the traits down into three sections. Behaviour, Social Interaction and Communication.
Let’s start with Behaviour.
Autistic people may have behaviour that neuro typical people find unusual or confusing. A lot of these behaviours are being used to self soothe, and calm the autistic person, and if you seem someone using them, it would be best to allow that person to continue what they are doing, as they are likely trying to cope with overwhelm, and avoid a meltdown.
As a quick aside, a meltdown is VERY different to a tantrum. Meltdown’s do not end because attention is withdrawn, whereas tantrums tend to. It is VERY dismissive and disrespectful to call a meltdown a tantrum, because the meltdown is there to release huge emotion and overwhelm. If you see someone in meltdown, or a parent/carer coping with someone in meltdown, ask what you can do, if anything at all. Parent’s especially face huge judgement around meltdowns in public places, such as supermarkets, because the assumption is the child is being denied something rather than the noise and lights are too much to bear on top of the other things that have happened that day.
Right. Rant over, on with the blogs!
The behaviours you might see are:
1. Repetitive body movements such as hand flapping, spinning, rocking, or what look like tics. These movements are often referred to as ‘stimming’, which is short for self-stimulatory behaviour. They are used to help calm the individual down. If you’ve ever found yourself jiggling your leg, tapping a pen or other repetitive behaviour, that would be considered stimming too. Sometimes autistic people need to stim in public, and whilst children may be able to do it with out consciousness of others, adults might find themselves doing it subtly so as not to draw attention to it.
If you notice someone stimming, please don’t ask them to stop, perhaps ask them if they need anything, or if something is making them uncomfortable, although that sort of question should be asked discreetly.
2. Typically, autistic people like things to be predictable and stable, and as such will prefer routines to be solid, doing things in a particular and exact order in order to meet that need. If you work with someone autistic, or if you are a friend, parent or carer to an autistic person, you could help them by giving enough warning if the routine is going to change. For example, if you have a meeting at 9.30 every morning, and one morning it will be moved to 10.30, you could give them a few days notice to get used to the idea. It would be best to ask them themselves how much notice they need to get used to change.
3. Another indicator of autism is intense interest in specialist subjects. When an autist finds their subject they will become very very focused (known as hyper focused) on it, and find it very difficult to move away from the subject when they are engaged. If you remember my post yesterday, I shared an image explaining tendril theory. Tendril theory explains what it’s like for an autistic person when you ask them to stop what they are doing without any warning. As I explained above, change is difficult for autistic people, and therefore as much preparation as possible should be given. As a fair warning however, sometimes too much notice can actually have the opposite of the intended affect, and cause an increase in anxiety. It’s a difficult line, but with adult autistic people, please just ask them what their specific need is.
4. Autistic people can experience sensory stimuli very differently. For example, eye contact, noise, pain, smell, textures and touch can be very overwhelming. I know of a child who walked around on a broken leg for 2 weeks before mentioning his leg hurt. That’s because he experienced big pain differently to neuro typical people. That same child also screamed bloody murder when they got a paper cut, for the same reason.
Autistic people find eye contact very challenging, because they are not able to process and filter the verbal communication at the same time as the visual communication. Temple Grandin wrote a brilliant book about the autistic brain, and in it she has a brain scan. The findings (which you can Google or buy the book!) showed that the nerves that process vision were much more enhanced or developed than the control brains. This explains both her brilliant vision, and her difficulty holding eye contact.
Many clothing stores are now bringing out autism friendly clothing, because they recognise that seams, labels, buttons and materials can trigger huge sensory overload, and making sure that autistic people have access to this type of clothing makes living in a neuro typical world a lot easier.
Helping someone with sensory overload means allowing them to retreat if they need to. In schools there is often a safe space created so the child can calm themselves down and I feel like this should be available in all communal spaces. Avoiding hand driers, cleaners, obligatory touching (such as handshakes) are all helpful to avoid sensory overload. In adults, the boundaries are somewhat different, because as in children this is all unique to the individual, but in adults, somehow they are often expected to put their autism aside and meet the needs of neuro typical people.
Given how much distress that causes, it’s not very fair is it?!
I started this blog intending to cover all three aspects, but I’ve written so much about behaviour, and because I don’t want to cut any out, I’m going to separate this into three blogs. So tomorrow, I will explain about social interaction in autism. Whilst I’ve touched on it here, it’s a big subject on it’s own, and as such deserves more space.
As ever, please don’t hesitate to ask questions, and please remember to respect the experience of others <3
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Imposter Syndrome: Your Friend

Imposter Syndrome.

Well, who am I to be telling you about this? It seems a lot of us suffer from the feeling that we don’t deserve what we’ve got, or that we’ve got to the place we are by luck, or that we’ve somehow tricked everyone into giving us the responsibility we have. It seems many of us are scared that we are eventually going to be ‘found out’, and exposed as a fraud.

If you can relate to those feelings, you may be suffering from imposter syndrome.

So what is it?

Well, it’s all those feelings. It’s a psychological pattern that means the sufferer believes they’ve somehow got the achievements and accolades they have by luck, chance, or tricking others into giving them those things. It ignores the effort, work and external evidence of competence and ability and dismisses the experience and intelligence that others recognise.

Interestingly, when research first started, it focused on the prevalence among high achieving women, although it has now been recognised that men suffer it just as much. Equality rules!

Imposter syndrome is one of those things that nags at us like a little gremlin on our shoulder. The pervasive feeling that taints and stains every promotion, qualification, achievement or win of any kind is hard to ignore. Whilst everyone around you congratulates you, offers admiration, praise and acknowledgment, the gremlin sits, and whispers that you don’t deserve all that is bestowed on you.

And that whisper can be louder than any other noise in the room.

So why does it happen? Why do we dismiss our own achievements? Why do we minimise all our effort, blood, sweat and tears? Why do we sit waiting for someone to catch us out? Waiting for someone to see through this elaborate plan we’ve created to get us to the position we are in. Waiting for someone to say ‘wait a minute, you don’t belong here!’ at the top of their voice in a room full of other people waiting to agree.

Well, as ever there are a number of reasons, but largely as always in my school of thinking, it’s based in childhood. Our perception of what we are able or capable of doing is based in the messages we have received as a child. So for example, if you did well in a test, were you praised, or were you asked why you didn’t do better? Was your achievement revered as a stand-alone result of your hard work, or were you asked how everyone else in the class did? Were you told to study harder and harder or were you told you have worked hard enough, and it’s time for a break?

Essentially, what we are talking about is the knowledge that however good you are, however hard you’ve worked, it is GOOD ENOUGH.

People who struggle with imposter syndrome generally have low self-esteem and self-confidence. They may have grown up around messages such as that they aren’t trying hard enough, they aren’t doing well enough, just generally that they aren’t ‘enough’. It’s a horrible horrible feeling, and often this sense of fraudulence is something that holds people back from achieving their hopes and dreams, or even just trying for a promotion or pay rise at work, which is why it’s so important to challenge it. Imposter syndrome stops us from achieving our potential and leads to a lifetime of regret.

So how do we stop it happening? Obviously, my first thought is going to be therapy therapy therapy! If you can’t get to therapy, then you can start by challenging the thoughts associated with the feelings.

I’m going to break a boundary and share something personal with you. I wouldn’t normally do this, but I think it’s pertinent and relevant, and likely helpful.

When I got the email confirming the award of Master of Arts, my immediate response was ‘I’ve tricked them’.

My second response was ‘you’re not that clever’.

I don’t mean not clever enough to do a Masters (that battle had been beaten for me by a wonderful and supportive tutor), but clever enough to trick the two markers, and the full university exam board.

I started to reflect on everything I had done to get to that moment. I challenged thoughts that were saying ‘you couldn’t possibly have done this, you don’t deserve this’.

I looked for evidence. And that’s what I’m going to ask you to do when you’re feeling like you don’t deserve what you’ve achieved. Reflect on everything you’ve done to get there. Look at all the late nights and early mornings, the studying, the sacrifices. Look at why someone else might look at you and think ‘yeah, they deserve this’. Ask yourself how you would react if a friend spoke to you that way. Ask yourself if you would speak to anyone else that way.

And then tell that nasty little gremlin something that might surprise you to hear….

‘I know you’re there, and it’s okay. I’m sorry you feel like we don’t deserve this, but I promise we do. We worked hard to be here. We know what we’re doing. We didn’t hurt or sacrifice anyone else to get here, we belong here.’

Because you’re gremlin is scared. Scared of not being enough, of being caught out, and he’s trying to protect you. And in that way, he’s actually a little bit helpful.

Here’s the thing. That niggling feeling, that horrid squirmy, disconnected, ‘it’s not meant to be me’ feeling, is actually pretty helpful.

And here’s why:

It keeps you in check. It keeps you grounded. It keeps you working. It keeps you striving. It stops you from becoming complacent, arrogant, thoughtless, careless.

It helps you.

It’s a funny thing when you start to realise that once we’ve started building a relationship with our gremlin, once we get him into a proportional place, we can start using him to our advantage. Once we decide to talk back to him, he becomes our friend, and pushes us further than we ever thought we could go.

Thanks for waiting for this,

Helen Villiers LLB PG Cert., PG Dip., MA 😉

(no awards for drawing though 😉 )

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Narcissistic Parentification

So, here I am, the last in the instalments about parentification. Today’s offering is on Narcissistic Parentification. Grab a drink, a snack, and get comfy, because not only could this be long, but I suspect for some of you this might be painful, and I really want to ask you to keep yourselves safe in reading this.

Before you start reading, please make sure that you have some grounding techniques to hand for any anxiety it might trigger, or PTSD responses. This is a very concerned trigger warning.

Okay. Ready? Let’s go.

What is Narcissistic Parentification?

Well, if you’ve read the other blogs about instrumental and emotional parentification, it’s all those together and more. What makes Narcissistic Parentification unique is the ‘projection’ of the parent’s ideals onto the child.

This means the child lives out all the things the narcissistic parent idealises about themselves OR all the things the narcissistic parent loathes about themselves. It’s one huge ego trip, and results in defined family roles, that positions the child in either ‘golden child’, or ‘scapegoat’.

For the golden child, it sounds as though they get an easy ride, and in some ways that might be true, they certainly escape the worst of the abuse. But from where I sit, as a therapist, I sometimes think that as the scapegoats are more likely to escape the narcissistic abuse, in some ways they’re the lucky ones. Because at some point, they’re going to start questioning why it is they are always blamed for everything, or punished more severely, or excluded, or criticised more than their sibling. Because one day, they’re going to wake up and realise that they deserve more than being the vessel of their narcissistic parent’s self hatred, they will fight against the narrative they’ve been given, and they will figure out who they are, not who they’ve been TOLD they are.

My experience shows that the golden child is unlikely ever to do that. I’ve come across it once. Someone who knew they were the golden child, and were able to protect their sibling in adulthood. It stands so freshly in my memory because it is something I have never heard of before, and never come across since. I’m sure I will again, I’m sure it has happened, it’s just excruciatingly rare (in my experience).

As a result, the impact of narcissistic parentification for the golden child is just as big. The golden child will adopt the role of idolizing and defending their parent against all and any criticism (because as the projective object, they’re also defending themselves). They will likely become co dependent, possibly narcissistic themselves, and as a result be unable to self-actualise. This in turn will possibly cause depression and anxiety, unhealthy relationships, and an inability to break away from the image projected onto them by the parent.

The golden child will be moulded to hold everything good about the parent (as the parent sees it in themselves) the parent will likely ignore any wrongdoing or behaviour, and when the golden child offends, hurts, inflicts or does anything wrong towards the scapegoat, it will somehow become the scapegoat’s fault. The golden child will be exonerated from all responsibility and the scapegoat will be made to hold it all. So the golden child may never be able to form any kind of healthy relationship. It may seem like they have the blessed life in many ways, but they will be miserable, unable to sustain relationships, and unlikely to find their way to a place of health because the cost of recognising that they or the parental system are the problem is too high.

That’s why I feel sad for the golden child. And that’s why I think the scapegoat is the most likely to win in the horror that is a narcissistic family system.

So what about the scapegoat?

The scapegoat may also develop significant mental health issues, as a result of a crippling insecure attachment due to the barrage of abuse and criticism, the scapegoat may attempt to hold themselves to a level of perfection in order to gain any scraps of love or affection, but they will never be good enough. They may have difficulty forming healthy relationships before therapeutic intervention, and may repeat the relational pattern of abuse. They are more likely to get involved with a narcissistic partner due to the relational pattern. They will likely be isolated and excluded if and when they start to fight back against the negative projection from family.

The scapegoat is the escape artist. The scapegoat has most chance of breaking the cycle.

So what else happens in narcissistic parentification?

Well, the narcissistic parent will rely on triangulation to divide and conquer their children (where there is more than one child). They will use Idealisation and Devaluing behaviours to do this. They will give with one hand and take away with another. The idealisation behaviours may extend as far as comparing one child to the other e.g. ‘why can’t you be clever/funny/pretty/lovely etc. like your sibling?’. They will use shame, blame, criticism and fear as a way to control both golden children and scapegoats. They will gaslight everyone around them especially the children. ‘I didn’t mean it like that’, ‘you’re being oversensitive’, ‘that’s not what happened’, ‘it’s your own fault because you did xyz’.

Basically, in a narcissistic family system, no one escapes unscathed. It is too easy to resent the golden child for the elevated position they inhabit, but their elevation is also their isolation. They know somewhere in their psyche that their position comes at a cost, that they must toe the line so as to remain in favour. The risk of the attachment rupture is too great to step away from their role.

The scapegoat faces such hideous emotional abuse; they are at real risk of developing significant attachment disorders, including Borderline Personality Disorder. Should they attempt to break free from the abuse they are subjected to smear campaigns, and even in their absence will hold the position as the vessel that carries all the family dysfunction.

They can enforce boundaries, heal, build new healthy relationships, but they will never have what they need; a healthy parent.

The impact of narcissistic parentification is so high that it’s impossible for me to capture it all in one blog. But if I can ask you to remember something, it would be this:

Whatever happens in the narcissistic family, no one escapes the horror. Not even the golden child.IMG_3119.JPG

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Instrumental Parentification

One of the things that I hear repeatedly in therapy is the parentification of children from a young age, particularly children of narcissists. It’s something that parents need to be very careful not to do to children, so as to avoid the impact of that behaviour, which I’ll explain later.

So, I guess the first thing is to establish what it is.

There are three types of parentification. The first is Instrumental Parentification, the second is Emotional Parentification, and the third is Narcissistic Parentification.

Because this topic is big, I’m going to break it into individual blogs for each one, so I can do them each justice.

I’ll start with Instrumental Parentification (I suspect most of you want to know about Narcissistic Parentification, so sorry if I’m disappointing in the first two instances!)

This is when, a parent burdens a child with too many of the household chores and responsibilities. A child who is asked to look after a sick relative, or other children in the house, who is made to cook or clean more than is appropriate for their age. A child whose natural social development is inhibited by the responsibilities at home.

One example of that inhibition might be where a teenager is repeatedly required to stay home to look after younger children instead of joining their friends to go to the shops or for sleepovers etc. Once a month or every couple of months yes, but every weekend? No. It’s not appropriate for a child to raise children they didn’t have themselves.

So, finding the line between appropriate and inappropriate might be hard, but ultimately, it comes down to asking a child to do something that is beyond the scope of their years, and takes too much of their personal time.

For example, a 10 year old can unload the dishwasher and feed the dog every day, but they can’t hoover and mop the floors every day too. They can put the bins out for the rubbish lorry with some assistance, but they aren’t responsible for emptying all the bins and carrying all the bags outside. They can sit with their younger sibling for 10 minutes, but they can’t be left with them for hours without adult support and supervision. They aren’t responsible for cooking every day, or bathing smaller children.

Good parenting means teaching your child life skills such as cooking, cleaning and laundry, but it isn’t about making them wholly responsible for those chores, and punishing them when they get it wrong or if they aren’t ‘up to standard’.

Part of family life is pitching in, but finding the balance between teaching and holding responsible for is vital.

The impact of Instrumental Parentification is one where the child grows into an adult who feels they are responsible for much more than they are. Have difficulty asking for help, could have problems with perfectionism, anxiety, control. They may struggle with boundaries and being able to say ‘no’, even when completely overwhelmed and unable to complete the tasks they already have. They may be the complete opposite of that too!

They may feel their only contribution is to help others and not be able to accept help from others at all. They will seem strong and independent.

Please don’t misunderstand this. Children need to help around the house and learn what it takes to look after themselves, but they also need to be a kid and learn about balance and fun and joy in being young.

To help guide on what’s appropriate for the varying ages for household chores I have attached an image to explain. I cannot emphasise enough that, just because they are capable, it does not become their exclusive responsibility, merely something they do to help their parent.

As ever, please feel free to ask any questions.

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Toxic Masculinity

Okay, I’m going to try and venture into this topic. It’s contentious. I truly believe it’s a thing, and I also believe that it’s as damaging to men as it is women.

What is toxic masculinity?

You all gave such interesting answers; answers that gave me food for thought, and also helped me understand how women connect with the concept. Some responses were (rightly) angry. They referred to the privilege that comes with being born male. They referred to the sense of entitlement that seems to be taught to boys from a young age. They referred to misogyny, chauvinism; boys will be boys, oppression of women.

All of those are right in my humble opinion.

Here’s what it means to me.

Toxic masculinity is where a boy is taught to protect and defend his ego against every dent or damage above all else. Toxic masculinity is where a boy (who later becomes a man) is taught that to display emotion is weakness, need is weakness, a desire to be loved is weakness, to be rejected is weakness, to be less than a woman in any way is weakness.

Toxic masculinity is the societal belief that men are the superior gender, and that by the power of penis they somehow deserve more, command more respect, and are entitled to more for less effort.

So what happens when toxic masculinity plays out?

Well, in extreme circumstances it facilitates psychopathy, murder and rape. How many male serial killers have you heard about exacting their revenge on one individual by murdering other similar looking individuals (usually but not always women). How many women suffer as a result of toxic masculinity due to domestic violence, emotional and financial abuse?

And how many men suffer domestic, emotional and financial abuse because they’ve been taught that to be abused means they’re weak. To be in distress is weak, to have an EMOTION is weak.

Toxic masculinity comes in phrases such as ‘man up’, ‘be a man’, ‘don’t be such a girl’, ‘boys will be boys’, ‘ ‘boys don’t cry’, and so forth. Any phrase that shuts down a man’s right and ability to connect with his emotional response can be considered such a phrase.

Toxic masculinity no doubt has a hideous manifestation for women, but something that often gets lost in conversation is the impact it has on men.

The gender construct that means to be a ‘man’ demands that men shut off all emotional responses apart from anger. You may remember the blog I did a while ago about anger, (it’s here if not!) I stated that anger is ALWAYS a mask for pain. When someone shows me anger, I know they are hurting. They will often deny that, but usually come back to me a few weeks later saying they realised that it was rejection, disappointment, fear, loss or any other number of feelings.

So men can only express anger and have that emotion accepted. Now. I have spoken before about how a healthy sense of self is developed in childhood when the parent accepts and mirrors the emotional responses in their child. That way the child knows and accepts their own emotions. So when society teaches us that boys aren’t allowed to cry, be sad, hurt, dejected or any other emotion, so they get angry. (And then get punished for that, but not typically told they aren’t ‘allowed’ to be it)

The highest suicide rate in the UK in 2017 was for men aged 45-49 (Source) men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women. Three times.

So toxic masculinity incites entitlement, the absolute belief that they as male are totally within their rights to help themselves to whatever they want, be it career, women, presidencies 😉 or other, but it also oppresses men too.

I have seen many conversations on social media where a teenage boy has been raped by his female teacher, and largely men are suggesting he would have enjoyed it, that they would have loved a teacher like that har har.

So let’s flip the roles. If it was a teenage girl and her older male teacher we would be horrified. Why is it alright for a boy to be raped and not a girl? Toxic masculinity. The idea that men are only motivated by sex, that they all want to be getting it as much as they possibly can from the age of about 12 is toxic masculinity and it’s not right.

So, the big question. How do we fight it? If you are a parent of boys, teach them that all their feelings are valid. Teach them that they’re urges are natural; teach them they can be abused and that they can be sad. Teach them to be accountable, to take responsibility for their behaviour. Teach them that women are wonderful and equal to them. Teach them to judge on merit not gender. Teach them they are emotional beings who are allowed to exist outside of a social construct created to determine their gender.

 

Teach them they’re human.

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