Tag: depression

Categories
Uncategorized

Active v Passive Support

I have just seen a devastating post on facebook about a little boy who has died unexpectedly. In the comments was the statement ‘know that you can message me any time of night or day and I will be here for you’.

Now don’t get me wrong, that’s so clearly heartfelt and sincere, but it made me eye roll a bit.

‘that’s not very kind of you’ I thought to myself, ‘why did you do that?’

Ah. I see.

It’s because it’s the kind of passive support that sounds great but doesn’t actually do a lot. Because here’s the thing. When someone is in the depths of despair, when they are grieving a loss, of whatever kind, when they are suicidal, alone, lonely, broken and wounded, they are unlikely to have the mental strength to reach out to someone and ask for help. They may even feel ashamed of doing so. So when you put the burden of support on the sufferer, it’s not as helpful as taking the burden of support on yourself.

Putting the burden of support on the sufferer, or what I think of as ‘Passive Support’, relies on the injured party reaching out.

When you take the burden of support, or ‘Active Support’ upon yourself, you give space and room for the injured party to feel comforted without having to ask for it.

In grief it can sometimes feel as though you ‘should be over it by now’, and it is then that it is probably hardest. Being an active supporter, you would be the one reaching out consistently. Not always saying ‘I’m here if you want to talk’, but just a ‘how are you doing?’ or sending a funny picture, quote or story. Active is support is being in the background saying ‘I haven’t forgotten about your pain, I’m still here’, without reminding them constantly they have pain.

Active support is suggesting a walk, a coffee, a quiet place where tears won’t feel shamed into submission.

Active support is strong and silent but there. Active support isn’t rescuing, fixing or overwhelming, it’s respectful, holding and peaceful.

Reach out to those around you. Just a ‘how are you?’ can be so well timed that you may help without ever knowing. Please don’t expect someone who is struggling to tell you, don’t be passive, be active.

Categories
Uncategorized

Telling the truth….

The most frustrating thing for children of narcissists is represented in this image.

Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.

One of the questions on the AMA was ‘how can a family look so perfect from the outside, but be so toxic inside?’.

The truth of the toxicity is most fragile in those first few moments when the light begins to dawn on the hideous landscape you’ve been living in. There is a huge amount of self doubt, questioning, denial, minimalising and fear. The sense that things aren’t right but the fear of what it will mean to acknowledge that. The instinct is to hide. Pretend it isn’t real, and squash the emotions trying to bubble up to the surface. The cost of acceptance is so high it’s unfathomable. The potential loss of family, the scope of relearning, the inevitable pain and anger around this new fragile knowledge starts to take hold.

Imagine being in that position and trying to make sense of it. Imagine not knowing what’s real and what isn’t, whether your motivations, desires, pleasures are yours or theirs, how much you’ve missed out on because of their conditioning, rules, control. And then trying to tell someone.

Someone who responds ‘ah but your mum/dad are lovely’. Or ‘yeah but all parents are difficult’, or ‘well, it’s not that bad, they didn’t beat you or anything’.

Can you imagine? The dismissal? The dismissal of your emotion, much like has been done to you historically by your parent? The reinforced message of ‘don’t question us, we are your parents?’ The confirmation that once again you’re overreacting, over emotional, over sensitive.

That’s why it’s so hard to convince people. It’s not tangible. It’s constant messages of not being good enough, not meeting impossible expectations, not being helped, supported, loved unconditionally. The narcissist plays the perfect parent in public, only to make the child pay behind closed doors.

Convincing someone might need lists, of behaviours, of incidents, of conditioning, of criteria the parent meets. You may need to arm yourself, but you may find that someone is so well defended they can’t hear, because they are not ready to breathe yet. That’s on them. Not you.

It is not your job to convince someone of your truth. It is your job to know it.

If someone tells you their parent was difficult, simply respond with ‘I’m sorry, would you like to tell me more?’

Give space to people to find their feet in the new world, free from the fear of judgement or question.

You’ll be giving them a massive gift ❤️

Categories
Uncategorized

Anger.

Let’s talk about anger for a minute. I hear people saying ‘don’t be angry!’, ‘don’t make me angry!’ ‘I don’t want him to be angry with me!’.What I’m hearing there is an avoidance of anger. We are conditioned as a society to avoid and suppress anger ALL THE TIME.

Guess what?

That makes me angry!!

We are taught that anger is an emotion to be feared and avoided; that we must hold it in and avoid provoking it in other people. Sometimes we are taught it’s makes us or someone else looks silly. We are taught that anger is bad. Well I don’t think it is.

Anger is a really healthy and valid emotion, and one it’s important to make peace with because suppressed anger manifests in other ways, from anxiety, depression, self harm, addiction, eating disorders and many other psychopathologies. The avoidance and dismissal of anger is incredibly unhealthy, so it’s REALLY important to get in touch with our own anger, and understand what anger in other people provokes in us.

Apart from the damage internalised anger can do to our mental health, there’s another very good reason too.

Anger is often used by abusers to manipulate and control people into doing things they want them to do. Anger is used to provoke fear in others allowing the abuser to maintain a position of authority and dominance.

Anger is used by bullies in the same way.

Anger is set up to be a very powerful emotion, whereas, in fact, it’s not much different from any other emotion. One of the difficulties with anger is that we fear what we might do when angry, when the red mist comes down, we can’t control ourselves, and that seems scary. What if I told you that anger issues come from suppressing anger? That I believe that people who lose control in anger are doing so because they haven’t processed a root cause to their anger and so project it elsewhere and everywhere they see a trigger.

So how do we make peace with anger (oooo I love an oxymoron!)

Think back to when you were little. What happened in your family when you got angry? How did they react? Did they embrace it? Did they say they understood why you were so angry? Or did they dismiss it, looking at you as silly, mocking you, telling you you had no right to be angry?

When we understand the family narrative around an emotion we can start reframing it to a place we want it to be, and make friends with it.

The first thing to remember about anger that it is always a mask for another emotion. It is a defence emotion that helps us in survival mode to fight flight or freeze (or any of the other ‘f’s’).

So when we are trying to make friends with anger, we have to look carefully underneath it to see what’s actually going on.

Think back to a time you got angry. Perhaps you were overlooked for a promotion that you had been working really hard towards and now you’re angry that you haven’t got it. Why are you angry? Because it’s unfair? Because you’ve worked so hard? Or because it’s a rejection, and rejection hurts? Because it’s embarrassing to have been turned down and all your colleagues know? Because it feels shameful and humiliating to be left where you are and someone else chosen above you? (Which is ultimately rejection)

Once you know those feelings, you can start looking at them. How do you experience justice? Or more importantly, rejection?

If you are the opposite and find it difficult to connect with anger, try thinking about where anger sits in your body, and if it moves or grows as it gets stronger.

If you’re creative, try drawing it, give it a shape, colour, texture, size. If you don’t want to draw, describe it in writing. Tell the story of your anger and how you feel about being angry.

Find power in your anger. Not in a way to dominate or control, but in a healthy appropriate place where your anger helps you find your true feelings, and helps you set boundaries with others, because after all, it’s all about the boundaries!

I would love to hear your thoughts on this,

Helen

32621015_1709005792481489_3851329721585369088_n
Categories
Uncategorized

The Winner’s Triangle – The antithesis to The Drama Triangle.

I had some feedback from a group I’m in that the post about the drama triangle seemed victim shaming. It’s easy to see why, but it isn’t. It’s about accountability. When we are sucked into these conflicts by toxic people, how we respond can either perpetuate or end the situation. By understanding our own behaviour, only then can we change it. So it was never my intention to shame anyone, but merely to explain how vital it is to step back and ask how and if we are contributing to any of these roles, and ‘what I can do differently?’.

With that in mind, I wanted to explain The Winner’s Triangle. It was developed by Acey Choy in 1990. It shows us how we can still have a normal human experience, where we can help people, feel sad for things that have happened for ourselves, or actively get our needs met. The difference is the boundaries. The three roles are:

1. Vulnerable

2. Responsible

3. Potent/Assertive

Vulnerable:

The vulnerable person allows their emotional process when they’re having a rough time, but knows that they have the resource and abilities to find their own path and get their needs met. They can ask for help but won’t take a ‘No’ as a personal slight. They will respect another’s autonomy to set a boundary.

The skill a vulnerable person has learnt which distinguishes them from a victim role is problem solving.

Responsible:

A responsible person is a caring individual but rather than enabling dependent behaviour, they will encourage empowerment. They will recognise that their help is most effective when showing someone in a vulnerable position that they’re able to stand on their own two feet. They will be able to set healthy and respectful boundaries, being honest about their own needs, and being able to meet them within the responsible role.

The responsible person is able to listen, and allow a vulnerable person the space and room to find their own way.

Potent/Assertive.

The potent/assertive position is someone who actively meets their own needs and drives, but unlike a persecutor, they won’t need to do it at the expense of anyone else. They will be good problem solvers and negotiators, finding a way to meet their needs, without shaming, belittling, or picking on others.

Knowing these two theories allows us to shift into healthier relationships, take responsibility for our own behaviour and feelings, and meet our needs without guilt or manipulation.

Any questions or additions?

Categories
Uncategorized

The Drama Triangle

The drama triangle is one of my favourite concepts. It certainly helped me understand some of my own unhealthy behaviours and lead me to be able to employ much more solid boundaries as a result.

So what is it?

Created by Stephen Karpman, it looks at how personal responsibility and power in conflicts are connected and what roles people can take or be put/drawn into when interacting with others.

There are (unsurprisingly!) 3 roles.

The Victim

The Rescuer

The Persecutor

The victim is someone who will constantly cry ‘poor me!’ whilst simultaneously avoiding taking any responsibility for their own part in their victimhood. I would say the victim is usually (but not always) the catalyst to all drama triangles. If a victim is not able to point the finger at a persecutor, they will fabricate one, maybe blame the system for example. The victim will look for a rescuer to enable their negative feelings and behaviours, whilst crediting them with being their saviour.

The rescuer is an enabler. They will offer to help, but will move from helping into rescuing. The difference is when we help someone we empower them to stand on their own two feet, and when we rescue someone we prevent them from standing on their own two feet. Interestingly, quite often the rescuer becomes the persecutor when the victim starts feeling frustrated by the disempowerment, and ends up unwittingly, and unintentionally becoming the victim, however for a long time the relationship between the victim and the rescuer is one of co-dependency as each are getting the ego strokes needed from the other.

The persecutor is anyone who calls the victim out on their behaviour. They will be saying ‘it’s your own fault’, or ‘stand on your own two feet’. They will be cast as a villain for not perpetuating or enabling the victim’s behaviour. Sometimes a persecutor is intentionally persecuting and can also start a drama triangle by enlisting others into conflict they start.

The drama triangle is fluid, participants move between roles, as described above when the rescuer can become the victim by being cast as the persecutor. Does that make sense!??!

To remove ourselves from the drama triangle takes rock hard boundaries, self awareness (where did I learn this role), and ownership. It can be hard to admit to ourselves we have been participating in these behaviours, but once we do, we can be freed from them and the constant dramas we find ourselves in as a result and move into a healthier place from where to have relationships.

Can you relate to any of this?

Categories
Uncategorized

Gaslighting

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1940’s stage play and later film, Gas Light. In the story, the husband convinces his wife, and those around them, that she is insane by changing things in their environment and convincing her that she is mistaken or has misremembered things. One of the things is convincing her that she is wrong when she notices to him that the gaslights in their apartment have been dimming. In reality he is in the flat above looking for jewellery of a woman that he murdered, and his use of the lights up there causes the lights in their flat to dim.

Gaslighting therefore, is a term to describe an abuser’s attempt to control and undermine someone’s perception of reality. It would be classed as emotional abuse.

What gaslighting does then, is to lead victims to second-guess themselves, not trusting their instinct or the facts they KNOW they know.

Gaslighting occurs in all kinds of relationships, I think the most prominent and obvious ones are marital or romantic partnerships, parent and child, and bully and victim. It’s even been used to describe certain politicians who deny facts or their own words when presented with them, and even statements they’ve clearly made via social media or in interview.

An example of gaslighting might be a child remembering an event which doesn’t show the parent in a favourable light. If the parent has pathological narcissistic tendencies, they may outright deny the event, blaming a child’s youth as a reason for misremembering, or even suggest the child is fabricating the entire story for attention.

Another might be a cheating partner caught out by texts, and instead of owning his or her behaviour will turn it back on the other partner, and suggest they are overreacting and oversensitive, or even imagining the whole thing.

Signs within us that we are being gaslighted are:

1. The inability to make decisions

2. Second-guessing what we know to be true about events both past and present.

3. Feeling confused and at the edge of reality.

4. Apologizing for things that we have no need to apologise for.

5. Feeling misunderstood.

6. Referring to the abuser for clarification/understanding/validation of your emotional response.

7. Feeling afraid to express your emotions for fear they will be dismissed/mocked/used against you.

Tactics a Gaslighter might use:

1. Minimising – suggesting you are over sensitive, over reacting, and taking things too seriously.

2. Denial – Acting like things either didn’t happen, or you must have imagined it.

3. Avoidance – By refusing to discuss the subject, moving conversation away from the things you’ve raised until you’re talking about the supermarket shop and not the fact s/he’s cheated on you.

4. Confidence – By brazening out and acting so sure of their truth and opinion that it makes you question yours.

5. Discrediting – Suggesting to others you’re over emotional, irrational, crazy, paranoid, psychotic.

6. Twisting – Again, suggesting you’re over reacting ‘I barely touched you’ when in fact you’re in hospital from the beating. Or that you’ve remembered things wrong; and you’re wrong not them.

So how do we fight back against gas lighting? It seems so flippant and dismissive to say ‘trust what you know’, but that’s what there is. Look for evidence, how do you know you’re right? How do you know you’re wrong even?

Pay attention. Look to see who is making you feel confused etc. It’s so subtle that you may have to look hard for the evidence. You’ll possibly have noticed it well the first couple of times, but have stopped questioning it as it’s worn you down. Talk to someone you trust. Try and disassociate from the gaslighter.

As ever, trust your instinct. If something feels off, it probably is.

Any questions?

(Picture copyright of Liberation Therapy)

Categories
Uncategorized

Trauma Bonding

Have you ever wondered why you, or your loved one can’t leave the person who hurts them? Whether physical or emotional, it can be impossible to understand why someone won’t leave, and sometimes we can feel judgemental of that, which is understandable, even if it makes us feel bad for feeling that way.

We’ve all most likely heard of the term bonding. When done healthily, it allows us to love our children, parents, partners and friends with abandon, to trust our feelings and theirs, as well as our relationships. When there is a cycle of abuse, something called ‘Trauma Bonding’ can occur.

Trauma bonding is created when an abuser uses love, fear, sex, and excitement to essentially weave a toxic web around a person. Sadly, if you have grown up in an abusive family you’re more likely to find yourself trauma bonded to an abusive partner.

The intensity of abusive relationships is incredibly overwhelming. The belief that no one else either understands you, or your partner, or the relationship between you is intoxicating. The idea that you belong to something that others just can’t or won’t experience sets you apart and allows your brain to justify the abuse, because the good times are SO good that you get hooked on them, and are willing to tolerate the bad times for those good times.

So how do we escape trauma bonding? It’s the 64 million dollar question I’m afraid, but it is possible.

The first thing to do is to try and gain an outside perspective.

1. Write the story of your relationship in the third person, from the very beginning to the very end. Be totally honest about all the good, and all the bad. Include as much detail as possible. If you’re in therapy, share the story with your therapist, but if not, with a friend. It can help to think ‘what would I tell my friend if she/he told me this?’

2. Now write a story about the partner you would like. How would they make you feel? How would they treat you? What do I bring to a relationship? What do I do well, and what do I not do well? Is my current partner living up to those hopes? Do I want things to stay the same or change?

3. Being very honest with yourself, write down the pros and cons of the current situation.

4. And then write down the pros and cons of leaving your current situation.

5. Ask yourself, how will I feel in a year if nothing has changed?

6. Look at your attempts to change your partner. Have you tried to? Have you had to explain to them how their behaviour affects you? Has it had any impact? The only person we can control is ourselves, and recognising that we have no influence on someone’s ability to change is half the problem solved.

7. Own your part in it. No one has any right to abuse another, in any way shape or form. However, we have to acknowledge what we do to contribute to, or rather, allow the behaviours towards us. This statement may feel very victim shaming, although it is in no way intended to be. This is about separating our behaviour from theirs, and owning ours so we can facilitate change. Why didn’t we walk away the first time they hit us? Why did we tolerate verbal abuse? Why wasn’t I strong enough to say no? Understanding that can be a huge part of recovery, and prevention from getting into another abusive relationship.

8. Acknowledge your feelings. Often when we have experienced emotional/physical abuse whether from childhood or adulthood, we become very adept and practiced at avoiding or supressing our feelings. We squash them down so they become so buried we don’t even know what they are anymore. Often, they will manifest in other ways, through self sabotaging behaviours, or more than likely, anxiety and depression. Try writing them down, even if you can’t put a name to them, say how they make your body feel, and describe them in terms of colour, shape and texture. I will regularly ask clients to draw their feelings in an attempt to help them connect to them. Another thing that is really helpful is the word wheel which I have attached to the blog. Using that to understand our feelings can be very powerful and releasing.

9. Self care. Be kind to yourself. You are trying to undo something intangible and insidious, and it takes a lot of time. Find things that bring you joy, and allow yourself the time to indulge them.

10. Finally, finding a really good therapist with knowledge and understanding of trauma bonding is vital to recovery. A neutral person with no agenda in your relationship will help you understand yourself and help you establish strong resilient boundaries.

Please take great care of yourselves, and feel free to message or leave a comment if this has resonated with you.

Thank you

Helen

Categories
Uncategorized

Owning emotion.

There are times when we will tell someone ‘you make me feel…’.

Unwittingly, we have given them power and relinquished responsibility of our feelings.

There are certainly situations that provoke emotions, there’s no denying that, but even in those situations the emotion is ours and ours alone.

The secret is understanding that certain situations trigger certain emotions for us. So where someone being rude might not affect the person next to us, we might feel anger, or humiliation, or fear, or tearful.

So why does one person feel one thing, and another feel a different thing?

It all comes down to experience. Experience informs our emotional knowledge.

For example. When a car backfires, someone who has been exposed to gunshots might think they’re under attack and react accordingly. They may look for where it’s coming from, they may freeze, they may run. (Fight flight freeze etc.)

Someone who has spent their life around cars may know exactly what it is and not react at all.

Someone who has no idea what’s going on may just be curious and quickly forget about it.

So a car backfiring could trigger a PTSD flashback or nothing at all.

The same is true for all emotion. If you feel guilty saying no to someone, that may be because you were taught as a small child to meet the needs of others before your own. ‘Don’t be selfish, share your toys, do what mummy or daddy or teacher says’.

So when you come to say no as an adult, you feel guilty for doing so, for meeting your own needs.

In that situation we once again come back to boundaries. Who’s need is more important right now? If you meet their need over yours how will you be left feeling? Is that feeling okay with you? If you say yes, what is the cost?

What I’m saying is not to blame someone else for your feelings. That’s not to say you are somehow at fault, it’s saying take responsibility. Own what is yours and what is theirs. Define the boundary. Inevitably someone will do something that upsets us, so when that happens, we have to take responsibility for what we feel and they should take responsibility for their own ‘stuff’.

For example. Your partner behaves badly at a public event. How do you feel? Embarassed? Ashamed? Angry?

You may have said ‘you made me so embarrassed!’ As a result, but what you’re doing is blaming them to justify what you’re feeling. Instead of saying ‘you made me feel’, try rephrasing it to ‘I feel embarrassed/angry etc.’

As a result of being honest with ourselves and owning our emotions, we can manage our emotions. We can approach things more healthily, and set sturdier boundaries around how other people’s behaviour impacts us and how we respond to those behaviours.

To be clear, I’m not condoning bad behaviour or exonerating abuse, but asking you to be truthful with yourself about the fact that your emotions are yours alone, and owning them will empower you to respond actively and decisively. It will give you the clarity you need to step out of a place of victimhood into a resourced and emotionally independent place of pro activity.

It’s a difficult concept to explain, so please feel free to ask me questions!

Categories
Uncategorized

Mindfulness isn’t for everyone!

Okay, I’m going to get real for a moment.

There’s a HUGE buzz around mindfulness at the moment. It seems to be everyone’s answer to everything. If you’re stressed, try mindfulness; if you’re grieving, try mindfulness; if your boss is being mean, try mindfulness; if you’ve broken the coffee machine, try mindfulness. (actually don’t, panic, and replace it asap, thanks)

I’m going to let you into a little secret.

It doesn’t work for everyone.

It can be seriously helpful for some people, but it’s SO important to realised and acknowledge that it’s NOT GOOD for everyone.

If you are the sort of person who fills every second of their day with something because you can’t bear not to be busy, there’s a very very good reason for that.

Mindfulness could be a very dangerous thing for someone to suggest to you.

That level of ‘busyness’, indicates you’re avoiding something. It says to me your brain is protecting you and you are not safe enough to explore it alone yet.

It says that we need to tread carefully into the space that the brain is working so hard to protect, and take a candle, not Wembley stadium’s floodlights. Mindfulness is essentially trauma floodlights.

Mindfulness may create a space where all the thoughts and feelings flood back without any kind of safety net or control, which is obviously dangerous and puts your mental health at risk.

We have to take care. We have to take time. You have to be safe.

So please, if you can relate to this, think about therapy, think about writing a journal, think about doing anything other than mindfulness.