Tag: communication

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Self Gaslighting

Self Gaslighting

Buckle up, this is going to be rough….trigger warning for emotional abuse and narcissistic abuse. Possibly also triggers around minimising and micro aggressions to self.

Okay, there’s the triggers out the way. If I’ve left anything out please let me know and I’ll add them in.

This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.

When you say to me: ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’, or ‘I’m really over emotional’, or maybe ‘she only wanted the best for me’; I hear you repeating the internalized messages from the years of gaslighting you have suffered.

You are literally doing their gaslighting for them. You are SELF GASLIGHTING.

Let’s take the first example I’ve used. ‘I don’t want to cause a fuss’.

Over the years, every time you have asked for a need of ANY kind to be met, if it hasn’t aligned with the need of the narcissistic parent, it will have been made very clear how much of a gross inconvenience that is. Every time you expressed an autonomous need, you will have been told something along the lines of ‘don’t make a fuss’. You may even have been physically assaulted for requesting it, possibly even sexually assaulted.

You will have internalized that every time you ask anyone for any kind of need to be met (a drink, a tissue, for them to stop kicking your seat on a plane, your food order is wrong etc etc) you are creating an ungodly fuss and EVERYONE hates you for it.

Let me say right now, they don’t.

And if they do, the chances are that it’s very much firmly in the camp of THEIR issue. Not yours. Remember what I say about boundaries? If we can honestly (key word right there!) look at the situation and without justification realise there isn’t anything we would change, then we have nothing to apologise for, and can go peacefully on with our day.

(Side note, if we are justifying, it may be that we are trying to convince ourselves as much as the other person, it might also be a sign that we’ve been emotionally abused and have to explain at length why we need to have our needs met – not healthy, not ok, not your fault. I’ll blog about it soon)

So how do we combat it? We have to adjust our boundaries and our language. One way we might do this is put ourselves in the shoes of the person we are asking to meet our need.

If you were a waitress in a restaurant and you got an order wrong, would you be angry/irritated with a customer who politely and quietly says ‘My order is wrong, could you correct it please?’

I really hope I’m right when I say ‘no, of course you wouldn’t!!’ You might feel a bit embarrassed you had got it wrong, you might even get seriously triggered, but that would be about you and your unresolved issues (probably around perfectionism/being good enough; thanks narcissistic parents!!!) not the customer.

Self gaslighting, does the work of the narcissist even when they’re nowhere to be seen. You are subconsciously continuing their abuse for them. By challenging this behaviour, you will start to establish some healthy boundaries around your self-worth and self-value, and you will break the cycle.

Be kind to yourself, this is hard, and it hurts to realise the perpetual insidiousness of their vile abuse, but awareness = healing, and I KNOW you can heal this. I know you can. Because you would have scrolled past this post and not even dared to read the rest of it. I’ve attached a table of examples of the taught message, the internalised messaged and the message we need to change it to. Read it, save it, and learn it. And heal. Stand up, you’re not an inconvenience you’re astounding.

All the love <3

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Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.

There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.

Society is shifting towards an understanding and awareness of mental health issues and conditions. There’s a growing acceptance that people struggle emotionally in all kinds of ways and as such we should still our judgement and increase our compassion and tolerance.

And that’s a BEAUTIFUL thing. It’s amazing. It warms my heart and I’m so grateful that we are starting to normalise it.

But there’s a but.

What can get mixed up in that is that toxic behaviour can be assigned to mental illness. And it’s just not true. Lots of people have depression or anxiety, and aren’t toxic. However in narcissism, it is toxic behaviour that characterises the condition.

Here’s the thing. The narcissist knows exactly what they’re doing. They know how to ‘play’ you. They know how to create the trauma bond. They know what their manipulative behaviours do to you.

They cannot be excused their abusive behaviours on the ground of their mental illness because they KNOW. (I have research to back this up if anyone wants the article name)

When we know we are using an unhealthy behaviour, even if it’s something that we’ve been using to survive emotionally, we have a responsibility to correct that behaviour.

Back in the day I did a law degree. In criminal law, the defence of innocent by reason of insanity is only upheld when a person is unaware that what they’ve done is wrong. So for example, when someone murders someone else and hides the body, the act of hiding the body indicates they knew what they had done is wrong.

If they know what they’re doing they’re responsible.

Narcissism is borne from extreme abuse, neglect or smothering, where a child has to develop the idea that they are okay in the world for themselves because their parent doesn’t mirror that for them. To survive they develop narcissism. That isn’t their fault. But it is their responsibility.

What I’m trying to say is that you can hold people accountable for toxic manipulative abusive behaviour, even if they have a mental health issue.

Because the first time they do it might be about survival, but if they don’t take responsibility and they don’t change the behaviour, it’s toxic. End of.

You do not have to tolerate abuse because there is a mental illness. ❤️

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Mental Health Awareness Week. Month. Year. Lifetime.

So it’s mental health awareness week. I’ve been thinking about what I can post to be part of this worldwide movement, but I’ve been really struggling. And speaking to someone earlier today has helped me clarify why.

It’s because it seems so reductive to draw attention to an international, perpetual crisis for a week. One week of 52 we hear media outlets championing the causes of those struggling with mental illness.

For one week the spotlight is shone on those whose battle is never ending and brushed aside or away altogether, not given the funding or support it needs to help them exist in equity with those that don’t struggle.

And that’s not okay!

Sure, there are plenty of you wonderful people who share posts and photos regularly to show you are supportive and inclusive, and for that I thank you.

Here’s my biggest problem with it all though.

There is almost like a disinfectant affect around mental illnesses.

Because it seems to me when mental illness doesn’t come in a nice little package, we don’t know what to do with it.

When someone with depression uses substances to self medicate, suddenly they become an addict, they become ‘untreatable’ and ‘deserve’ what they get.

When someone with schizophrenia stands shouting at cars, half naked in the snow, they get laughed at and mocked, shoved in a police van, or abandoned to themselves altogether.

When someone with Emotional Dysregulation Disorder (formerly borderline personality disorder) attempts suicide ‘half heartedly’ they are attention seeking and pathetic.

When someone with attachment disorder sends one too many texts looking for reassurance and support they are labelled ‘psycho as and ‘crazy’.

But THAT’s the reality.

Mental Health isn’t just anxiety and depression, as crippling and dangerous as they are, it’s bigger than that, and we HAVE to accept that someone exhibiting behaviour that isn’t ‘normal’ isn’t crazy, psycho, attention seeking, skanky, or mad.

They are struggling.

So please. This mental health awareness week. Educate yourself and remember not being okay comes in many many forms. And don’t stop campaigning for better support, access and facilities for those who need it. Mental illness doesn’t discriminate, everyone is at risk.

Be kind to yourselves, and each other

H ❤️

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Be kind to yourself…

YES. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter if anyone has it worse, (in your eyes) or it could be worse, or it’s over with or any other reason you might find to minimise your experience.

Emotional events are HARD. There is no ‘should’ to how you feel, how long you have felt, how long you feel that way, how you experience your emotions. You feel what you feel, and that’s okay.

As always however, there’s a boundary where we have to recognise where we’ve been triggered and perhaps our feelings are being amplified. That’s what therapy and increased self awareness helps with. Knowing our experiences and triggers helps us process emotion and understand it too

We also have to take responsibility for those triggers and responses. Recognise that sometimes we are feeling the way we feel because we have projected emotion from a past event onto a present one, and own it.

And the final boundary is recognising when we are in victim role, and making sure that we don’t use pain and experiences to excuse and justify our behaviours.

If you remember the drama triangle/winners triangle, the healthy role in the place of the victim role is ‘resourced’. So taking responsibility for your own emotional response and increasing your self awareness, so that when we are holding other people responsible for our emotions we realise that we have power and responsibility within that too.

Ultimately though, with the caveat of responsibility around triggers and processes, your emotions are valid, your pain is true and you’re allowed to struggle with it.

Be kind to yourself ❤️

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Autism Uncategorized

Autism Awareness – Communication 3/3

Okay, so today is all about Autism and communication.

I’m mildly optimistic that this won’t be terribly long, because in parts one and two, I have addressed non verbal cues, social cues, and meltdown behaviour.

In children autism is often indicated by a verbal delay, but from my experience, this isn’t always a strong indicator. I know many autistic children who have hit every milestone or even been way early on them.

What I have experienced, and which is also an indicator, for High Functioning Autism (formerly called Aspergers) is the ‘mini professor’ type of speaking. A vocabulary and turn of phrase usually attributed to adults.

For those further onto the ‘spectrum’ verbal communication may be non-existent (known as non-verbal), or may they may exhibit something called ‘selective mutism’. This means they choose or are unable to communicate verbally in certain situations.

If you are with someone who is non-verbal, or has selective mutism, never for a moment think they aren’t communicating. As a wise speech and language therapist friend said to me, ‘everyone is communicating all the time, whether they are speaking or not.’

It seems so obvious, but certainly my clients will tell you that I often notice to them a look that’s flashed across their face, the jiggle of their leg, their crossed arms, even a smile or a giggle, and ask what is happening in that moment.

Those non-verbal cues clients give me are telling me that there’s something they’re not saying. And often what they’re not saying is really really important.

So when you meet someone who has difficulty communicating verbally, look at the bigger picture and try and notice what they’re not saying. Remember the bit about stimming? Well, if you notice someone using a stim, perhaps they’re feeling anxious and need the environment or conversation to change.

Yesterday I explained that autistic people struggle with social filters and that when we give an instruction, we need to strip away all the unnecessary detail so they can process it better.

This also applies when we ask questions or are in conversation with them. Autists sometimes have difficulty processing information in order to give the necessary response, and neuro typical people often make the mistake of thinking they haven’t understood, so either repeat the question, or pose a different question, unwittingly doubling the task of processing, and overwhelming the autist with too much information to filter through.

To help someone with this, you can just wait. Allow them time to filter and process so they can answer. Get comfortable with the silence, and give them space. It’s such a little thing, but it will reduce the chance of meltdown and overwhelm.

Another co morbid trait is something called Echolalia. This is were someone repeats words from another person or a programme or film, by way of contributing to a conversation. It’s thought to be a coping mechanism and another way of communicating. Specifically to communicate intent to converse/contribute, or just because the repetition of the word or prhase makes the autist feel better, much like a stim.

So there we go. Some traits of autism explained. What’s most interesting for me is that they are presented so differently in each Autist, and just because we know one autist, it doesn’t mean we know them all.

Next week, I’m going to continue this series, looking at how to be a friend to a parent of an autistic child, the differences between girls and boys in autism,

Have a great weekend everyone, see you on Sunday for some self care

 

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