Liberation Therapy Blog
Defensiveness:
When someone criticises us, it can be really hard not to fall into the black and white thinking of ‘they hate me, I’m a terrible person’…
You made it. HNY 2021
It’s been an absolute rollercoaster, and I think most of us have got through it by clinging to each other, and perhaps by letting go of some.
The dangling narrative
When we are small children, we hear messages (both positive and negative) about ourselves and the world that we internalise and create core beliefs, or our narrative, from.
Covert Sexual Abuse
So I posted on facebook a little while ago to get an idea of what people understood to be covert sexual abuse.
[TRIGGER WARNING – SEXUAL ABUSE, RAPE]
Frog in boiling water – why we stay in abusive relationships so long.
Why did I stay so long? Why didn’t I see it until now? How could I have done this to myself and my children
Self Gaslighting
This is something I want you to really listen to if you’ve grown up in a narcissistic household.
Killing the trauma bond
How do I stop caring? It’s a question I hear over and and over again. And the answer crushes me
Mental illness isn’t an excuse to abuse.
There is a permanent struggle with clients over whether the behaviours narcissists exhibit are in intentional. There’s a deeper struggle around the fact that narcissism is listed in the DSM, which officially makes it a mental illness.
DNA doesn’t equal a right to abuse.
You do not have to tolerate abuse or toxicity from anyone. ESPECIALLY those you share DNA with.
Good enough is good enough
Raising kids is really really hard. There’s a constant push pull between letting them fall and helping them fly…
The gift of Emotional Space
It never fails to amaze me that people seem scared to mention their names in case they upset me.
The complementary moral defence.
Those that know, know that the narcissist believes they are the epitome of perfection.
Mental Health Awareness Week. Month. Year. Lifetime.
So it’s mental health awareness week. I’ve been thinking about what I can post to be part of this worldwide movement, but I’ve been really struggling…
Love Bombing
I often get asked: ‘what’s the first sign of a narcissist?’ and whilst there are lots of answers around the behaviour, the most obvious sign of a narcissist is the Love Bomb.
Be kind to yourself…
YES. Be kind to yourself. It doesn’t matter if anyone has it worse, (in your eyes) or it could be worse, or it’s over with or any other reason you might find to minimise your experience.
Strict parent v Boundaried Parent
This is something I think about all the time. How many clients have sat opposite me telling me about their parent’s authoritative stance. The lack of collaboration, and instead have received harsh instruction.
Narcissistic parents and the complementary moral defence.
The biggest problem with this is that when there is parental narcissistic abuse, sometimes those who have suffered don’t realise until they’re a LOT older and have already experienced abusive relationships.
Procrastination….
Okay, so here’s the thing. I’ve been putting off a job that is crucial to my work. One of those things that I hate doing but I HAVE to do.
Valuing the right person
When we allow our worth to be determined by others, it will never be enough. Constantly looking to or for others to recognise our worth disempowers us and empowers those around us.
Divorce isn’t failure. It’s success.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently. Not for me, but for a couple of people nearby. The word I hear so often when it comes to the end of a relationship is ‘failure’. What?!? The WHOLE relationship was a failure?
Motivation isn’t necessary
Monday Motivation. Actually, this isn’t about having motivation, it’s about not NEEDING motivation. A lot of the time, I hear people explain how they are lacking motivation.
Being kind
I’ve lost my blogging mojo. I’m not really worried about it because I know it will come back. I’ve got loads of thoughts and ideas to share with you. I’ve just not had the impetus to sit down and write. And here’s the thing with that. It’s okay.
Liberation Day
Two years ago today I started this little business. I named it Liberation Therapy for a multitude of reasons. The obvious one is the freedom that therapy brings you from your pain and challenges, but the less obvious one is a bit more personal.
Active Mindfulness!
I’ve got a new go to mindfulnesss/self care thing. It helps me disconnect from my phone, the outside world, and gives me focus, a sense of accomplishment, and distraction, and at the end of it, I’ve got something to show for it. Lego!
Autism Awareness – Communication 3/3
Okay, so today is all about Autism and communication. I’m mildly optimistic that this won’t be terribly long, because in parts one and two, I have addressed non verbal cues, social cues, and meltdown behaviour.
Autistic Traits – Social Interaction. Part 2 of 3.
So yesterday I posted about the behaviours that might be considered autistic traits and how you can help accommodate them and help the autistic person. Today’s blog is about social interaction and how that impacts an autistic person.
Autism Awareness – Behaviour
Today’s blog is all about the traits we commonly see in autistic people, and how we can help people who face these challenges living in a world which is dominated by neuro typical thinking.
Mothering Sunday
I’m sitting here thinking about all the people who are going to find tomorrow hard, and my heart is aching for you. For those who find Mothering Sunday hard, whether it’s because you aren’t one, don’t have one, wish you had a different one, or any of the other multitude of reasons, you’re in my thoughts.
Imposter Syndrome: Your Friend
Well, who am I to be telling you about this? It seems a lot of us suffer from the feeling that we don’t deserve what we’ve got, or that we’ve got to the place we are by luck, or that we’ve somehow tricked everyone into giving us the responsibility we have.
Narcissistic Parentification
What is Narcissistic Parentification? Well, if you’ve read the other blogs about instrumental and emotional parentification, it’s all those together and more. What makes Narcissistic Parentification unique is the ‘projection’ of the parent’s ideals onto the child.
Emotional Parentification
So, what is Emotional Parentification? Well, ultimately, and most simply, it is when the parent relies on their child for an inappropriate amount of emotional support.
Your circle
Your circle will accept you 100% as you are. They will never ask you to conform to something they need you to be. They will never ask you to be less, and they will never ask you to be more.
Instrumental Parentification
I’ll start with Instrumental Parentification. This is when, a parent burdens a child with too many of the household chores and responsibilities.
Toxic Masculinity
Toxic masculinity is the societal belief that men are the superior gender, and that by the power of penis they somehow deserve more, command more respect, and are entitled to more for less effort. So what happens when toxic masculinity plays out?
Addiction….not a dirty word
Whether it’s alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, sex, work, fitness, food, whatever, if there’s a dopamine response, you can bet someone who is struggling with emotion will use the activity to supress their emotion. And that’s what addiction is. It’s avoidance.
Genuine v Fake Apologies
Have you ever had someone apologise, but it doesn’t really feel right? Like it’s left you feeling as though somehow they don’t really feel sorry, even though they’ve said they are? It might be because it was a fake apology.
How to choose a therapist
Entering therapy can be really scary. It’s a bit like going to the dentist. We don’t want to, we know it’s going to hurt, but we also know that we have to look after ourselves and we sometimes can’t do that alone. So how do we go about picking a person who’s going to hear our deepest darkest secrets and thoughts?
Why can’t they see the poison?
It can be really tough when we see through someone’s behaviour, and recognise it for toxicity, and yet, others don’t.
Self Care isn’t just wine and bubble baths…
Everyday I’m doing something that means my down time is seriously limited, and as such, my down time is going to be crucial.
Grandiosity in Narcissism
What is grandiosity? Grandiosity is an unrealistic sense of superiority, with no basis in reality. For example the person who believes they’re a medic, despite never having done any training, and garnering knowledge from T.V. shows or articles.
Suicide Part 2.
When I wrote the previous post, I was thinking about people who experience suicidal ideation from a place where their external impact is perceived as one so negative that they wish not to be a burden anymore.
Suicide Part One.
I want to talk about suicide. It seems so current that I really feel like I need to voice some thoughts about it. I also suspect I’m saying something controversial that may not be well received. But I know those who are suicidal will relate to this, and I hope they will be grateful to be recognised, so this is for them.
Active v Passive Support
When someone is in the depths of despair, when they are grieving a loss, of whatever kind, when they are suicidal, alone, lonely, broken and wounded, they are unlikely to have the mental strength to reach out to someone and ask for help.
Telling the truth….
Imagine finally coming up for air from the constant brainwashing; realising your family system is toxic and entirely constructed to defend the mirage of the narcissists image, only to have your truth questioned by those around you.
Anger.
Let’s talk about anger for a minute. I hear people saying ‘don’t be angry!’, ‘don’t make me angry!’ ‘I don’t want him to be angry with me!’.What I’m hearing there is an avoidance of anger.
I don’t have a choice…. Or do I?
‘I have to go to a family event this weekend. I would rather stay at home, but I don’t have a choice.’ How often have you heard someone say something like that?
Toxic People
Dealing with toxic people is highly unpleasant, but sadly a likely part of life. Today I’m going to explain what makes someone toxic and how to identify them.
Projection
Projection: Psychological defence mechanism that people use to deny behaviours they perpetuate, by accusing others of doing the same things.
The Winner’s Triangle – The antithesis to The Drama Triangle.
The Winner’s Triangle was developed by Acey Choy in 1990. It shows us how we can still have a normal human experience, where we can help people, feel sad for things that have happened for ourselves, or actively get our needs met.
The Drama Triangle
The drama triangle is one of my favourite concepts. It certainly helped me understand some of my own unhealthy behaviours and lead me to be able to employ much more solid boundaries as a result. So what is it?
Gaslighting
Gaslighting Gaslighting is a term taken from the 1940’s stage play and later film, Gas Light. In the story, the husband convinces his wife, and those around them, that she is insane by changing things in their environment and convincing her that she is mistaken or has misremembered things.
Trauma Bonding
Have you ever wondered why you, or your loved one can’t leave the person who hurts them? Whether physical or emotional, it can be impossible to understand why someone won’t leave, and sometimes we can feel judgemental of that, which is understandable, even if it makes us feel bad for feeling that way.
Owning emotion.
There are times when we will tell someone ‘you make me feel…’. Unwittingly, we have given them power and relinquished responsibility of our feelings. There are certainly situations that provoke emotions, there’s no denying that, but even in those situations the emotion is ours and ours alone.
Mindfulness isn’t for everyone!
I’m going to let you into a little secret. It doesn’t work for everyone. It can be seriously helpful for some people, but it’s SO important to realised and acknowledge that it’s NOT GOOD for everyone.
Judgemental
Being judgemental is a vital life skill. Being judgemental is not a bad thing. Being judgemental is something that feeds the most primitive human instinct there is: survival.
Narcissism
Narcissism is a word we hear a lot in the media at the moment. It’s a word thrown around that seems to describe any behaviour that seems self indulgent or delusional.
Overt Narcissist
Bill is 45 years old. He is married and has 2 teenage children, a boy and girl. Bill is a manager of a large department store. He is well presented, charismatic and charming. The life and soul of the party, but he doesn’t seem to have any very close friends, or friends he’s had for a long time.
Covert narcissist
Angela is 63 years old; she’s a mother of 3 children, 2 girls and a boy. The boy is her middle child. She is divorced and re-married. Her youngest daughter and her son both are married with children, her oldest daughter is not married but has 2 children she is raising alone.
Depression is healthy
What if I told you, depression is healthy? What if I said depression isn’t illness, but a healthy response to the burden you’ve been carrying?
Forgiveness
I regularly see posts about how forgiving those who have wronged you is the only way to move on in life. How forgiveness liberates you and brings peace.
The Insidiousness of Victim Blaming
‘Victim Blaming’ is a phrase first used by psychologist William Ryan in his book ‘Blaming the Victim’ in 1971. He said it’s an ‘ideology to justify racism and social injustice against black people in the USA’.
I think therefore I am….
So today I want to talk about language and how it relates to our emotional understanding.
Making friends with grief.
Our family suffered a sudden and unexpected loss of a figure head. Naturally it has been a sad process coming to terms with his death but the thing that has struck me has been the way people outside the family have responded.
The Grey Rock Method
Today I want to explain how to implement the use of the grey rock method when in contact with toxic people.
Relational Patterns
When we are small, we learn how the world works from the people around us. We learn what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t from parents, siblings, friends and teachers.
Triangulation
Today, I’m going to look at triangulation. There are different types of triangulation, but the use of it is ultimately generates the same outcome: control and conflict.
Boundaries
So what are boundaries? Boundaries are rules we use and establish ourselves to determine what we will and won’t permit in terms of behaviour towards or from us.
Just Say No!
Being able to say ‘no’ can be one of the most important skills we can learn, but it also seems to be one we are often woefully lacking in. We seem to need to justify ourselves in our negative position, as though we show our right and entitlement to do so.